Keep Working it

He who has begun a good work in
you will complete it until the day of
Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6

Kinda glad this came up in my Soul Detox.  I am also doing a Soul Awakening.  The two usually coincide.  So anyway I needed to come up my goals and my why-power,  reasonings, and a due date.  My original goal was to lose 75 pounds in the first year and go to California on a plane to see my step-daughter.  Well, as it turns out 75 pounds is a very time consuming number.  And my husband wants to go during Spring Break.  Which is at about a year.  Not going to happen by then.  So I did some recalculating.  At my weight loss rate I can see losing another 25 my Spring Break.  That will be a shorter term goal and my total 75 goal is June 1.  On June first I am going to reward myself with a "walk about".  A journey if you will.  A road trip.  Go to quirky places I want to go to that no one else does.  God began the work with me and he will keep it going.  I just need to focus and set it all down. 

hmmmmm

Well, Ive got a couple of things to journal about today and yet nothing really comes to mind.  I feel like I am supposed to let some of the control go and give it to my husband.  But then on the other hand, I think that's a stupid idea.  It seems that the more he gets the worse he gets.  At first when I started the Respect the Husband Challenge, he responded like gang busters;  but now it seems without me controlling stuff, he's getting kinda stupid.  And arrogant.  But maybe that's a phase too.  Like the kindness and affectionate phase.  Maybe I should ride this one out too.  See what happens.  But I am NOT letting him throw my clothes away and buy new ones that he likes, like the challenge suggested.  Who would do something like that?

Let each one live the life which the
Lord has assigned him, and to
which God has called him...
1 Corinthians 7:17

Hope Jar Review

"The Hope Jar" is the newest Amish Fiction novel by Wanda Brunstetter.  In this novel, Michelle, a former foster kid, assumes the identity of Sarah, a woman whose mother has recently died.  Sarah discovers upon her mother's death that her mother had grown up Amish and reaches out to get to know her grandparents.  Before she can meet them physically, they assume Michelle is their granddaughter.  They take her home and she convinces them she is the real Sarah for months.  While there Michelle learns what having a family is really like and comes to love the grandparents.  Of course she has to lie repeatedly to do so.
Now, this book isn't very true to life, it's kind of a stretch, but fiction sometimes does that.  It is a nice easy way to pass the time and relax.  Amish fiction fans will really like this book.  I received this book from Barbour's Review Crew.  "I received a complimentary copy of this book from Barbour Publishing and was under no obligation to post a review."

Throw Out Unrealistic Expectations

So I made a list of things that are bad about me.  Things I don't like or that I have been told are bad.  And I thought about what kind of person would be the opposite of all of those things.  And my first thought was "what kinda freaky person is this?"  A person who is the opposite of all I find negative would be pretty obnoxious to be around.  The person would be perfect and perfect is dumb.  It's also kind of boring.  Now some of the things on my list are things I could and should do something about.  But to do all of them would be unrealistic.  I am not even sure it would be possible.  So I am going to hit the ones I can do something about.  I am going to change the ones that are not serving me well.  The rest (big nose, weirdness) is everyone else's problem.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for
you, for My strength is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather
boast in my infirmities, that the power of
Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Outside Gratitude

Open the door or window and write something I am grateful for that I see.  Well, I see the trash station.  Not the dump, but where the garbage trucks come and go from when they are done.  So, yeah, I am grateful that we live where we don't throw trash just anywhere.  I saw this documentary on India.  They would probably appreciate a trash station.  I see the UPS office.  Love the UPS!  Brings my crap I don't need that I bought online.  I see a quiet neighborhood.  Except for all the loud big trucks going by and occasional train, it's pretty quiet.  I see a gorgeous blue sky.  (cerulean blue)  I am grateful that it's not that hot out.  A crisp 93.  I am grateful for a great, many things.

Happy Days

Today I am to write about a happy memory.  My best most recent memory is probably when we went to Field of Dreams a couple of weeks ago.  As I've said, my husband is a major complainer when we are traveling.  So we are traveling to Burr Oak Iowa and then on to see the three Laura Ingalls Wilder houses on our list that we haven't seen.  He decides he wants to go with us, but we need to go to Antique Archeology.  So ok, we drive about an hour out of our way to go to this store.  (He hates antiques, btw.  But he loves TV.)  On the way from the shop to Burr Oak, is the Field of Dreams.  My husband is a big Kevin Costner fan.  I am a big baseball fan.  Sounded like a good idea.  He complained the whole time we were going.  Dirt road.  Too far.  No civilization.  Whatever.  We get there and find an endless baseball game going on.  People are joining in and out of this game.  We join in.  Somebody's grandma is kicking butt all over the field.  It so so much fun!  Of course we had to get pictures of us going into the corn field.  Then we took a tour of the house.  "(People will hand over $20 to look around.  Not sure why they are doing it.)"  Bought shirts.  It was soooo much fun for all three of us.  Even my daughter who couldn't have cared less about baseball or the movie had fun.  There was a little run off creek and she took off her shoes and played in that.  It was a really good day.

The Wonder of Nature

I've been doing this Soulwoman Boot camp thing.  Where these two sisters set up a 7 day boot camp to get women (men too, I guess)  to develop there Spirituality.  Today I am to journal.  The subject I picked that was suggested was the wonder of nature.  I grew up on a farm, so nature is kind of my world.  Farmers always say that to be in nature is to be with God.  God shows himself in nature everyday.  I believe that to be true.  You can see both his power and gentleness in nature constantly.  One of my favorite things to do to release stress is to sit on my porch with no devices or music and just be in the green.  I like to exercise outside whenever possible.  My daughter needs grounding in nature to survive.  She must have it.  I used to garden a lot, but my husband kept killing everything, so now I just have a few pots.  Nature is where all beauty truly is, be it a thunder storm, or the desert, or snow in the mountains, or even dried up grass in your yard on a hot July day- so hot you burn your feet on the grass. 

Dear Me

Dear Body:
We've had quiet the road you and I.  Born weighing in at 4 pounds.  Lungs not quiet there yet.  Decades of chronic ear infections.  Bronchitis episodes that were not treated.  Then puberty decided to rear it's head when you were in 3rd grade.  Bringing growth to a halt and things that I was not prepared for started to happen.  Of course that meant that we were opening up to a lifetime of weight struggle.  Actually, no.  You were fine until the PTSD set in.  I was told repeatedly that you were too fat and out of shape, but when I look at pictures I can see that you were not.  All that struggle for no reason other than to make the other person feel superior.  But when the baby was born with HLHS and didn't sleep for over three years things started to change.  There was a significant weight gain.  Mostly due to the lack of sleep and need for a lot of carbs and sugar filled caffeinated beverages.  Staying awake for years and dealing with a terminally ill child was extremely hard on you as it would be to anyone.  You brought not one, but three children into the world.  Each one with it's own medical issues.  Depression and anxiety ridden.  The world was not kind to you and the cards were stacked.  In February of this year we reached a line.  We are going to get our shit together.  It is time to set the extra weight, the trauma, the terror down.  I have read that the trauma weight will be the last to burn off.  And I am finding it to be true with you.  We will need to work together to get through the denied issues from years ago in order to let them rest.  We couldn't before because we were trying to keep both the baby and ourselves alive.  Now is the time.  Or we will not live much longer.  We should be happy.  We fought for this, we should enjoy this.  It's our time.  (Goooniees!!)

More Grateful

My journal challenges and other things to keep on track mention gratitude a lot.  It does kinda work.  I spend more time focusing on the positive.  Even though I am aware of the negative, I don't see it as much.  Something I am grateful for now that I didn't have a year ago is that a lot of the clothes I have didn't fit well if at all last year.  This year they fit or are roomy.  I am much more comfortable.  I am going to need to jean shop this fall.  I am kind of scared about that.  I have been shopping online for jeans for quite awhile now.  But since I don't know what size to get I will have to go to a store.  I don't really want to do that.  It sounds so depressing.  I keep saying I am going to wait on the weight before doing it; but I'm going to need to do that before I am finished losing.  Otherwise I am starting to look ridiculous as well as denim chaffs when it doesn't fit right and that's just as uncomfortable as being too tight.  Anyway!  Gratitude.  However I wind up obtaining these new duds, I will have some new ones.

Simple Pleasures

What is a simple pleasure that I am grateful for? 
I have a bracelet that I got in Mansfield, MO as a souvenir from the Laura Ingalls Wilder Home that says simple pleasures are what makes us the happiest.  One of my simple pleasures is baseball.  I used to love to play it and when we went to Field of Dreams in Iowa I found that it is still fun.  I love to watch it be it the Royals, the T-bones, the West Franklin Falcons or even the Olpe girls coach pitch.  I love the game.  It's therapeutic, it's enticing, it's exciting.  All at the same time.
Another one is reading.  I love to read whether it is a cheesy novel, a classic, or a historical text book.  I even like being around books.  Walking into a library makes the world make sense. 

Something I am looking forward to

What is something I am looking forward to?  Well, I just got back from a road trip to Minnesota.  We went to Antique Archeology, of American Pickers fame and we went to The Field of Dreams.  We went to three of the Laura Ingalls' Houses.  We saw the Jurassic Park movie.  Visited some B&Bs, did a little swimming, etc.  It was a nice time.  My husband complained, but he always complains on every trip.  He just likes to complain.  I used to feel bad about it until one year after complaining endlessly in South Dakota he came home and told his mother how much fun it was.  He wanted to go back.  He made it sound like he had had the best time!  He never stopped complaining once!  So now, I just ignore him and do what I want.  It does make planning hard when you aren't sure what he is enjoying and what he's not, but I guess he could shut the hell up!  Anyway, back to what I am looking forward to.  The whole trip I kept thinking about the next one.  I want to take a train to the Grand Canyon.  I think that sounds fun.  With a side trip to White Sands and Roswell.  I would love to go to Roswell.  That is what I am planning right now.  My goal weight reward is a plane ride to San Diego to see our daughter for a long weekend.  But I am not going to plan that until I reach the goal.  I don't know how long that will take.  I am half way there, but I think the second half will take longer than the first half. 

Perfect Body

If I could take a pill and get the perfect body for me what would it look like?  I would make myself a little taller.  Just a couple inches or so.  I am 5 ft 2.  I don't mind being short, but for convenience sake, I would like to be taller.  It would make reaching things easier as well as finding clothes.  But mostly I would make myself a more athletic looking self.  I don't especially want to be skinny, but I would like to look like I could run some miles if I had to.  I would like to be strong.  I would like to set down the trauma weight and walk away from it without ever thinking about it again.  I would like some muscle definition.  I would like to look healthy.  I would also like thicker hair.  Fine, thin hair sucks. 

aah, Food

How do I feel about food?  Well, I like it.  Duh.  I like preparing it.  I like buying it.  I like planning meals.  I like getting food spur of the moment.  I like how it tastes.  I like how it makes me feel full when I am done.  Being hungry makes me nervous.  I like trying new recipes.  I even like growing and preserving it.  It is a wonderful thing. 
Now.  How do I wish I felt about food?  Since food hasn't done me any favors other than staying alive, I wish I could take it or leave it.  I wish it meant nothing to me.  I wish I were the type of person who forgot to eat.  I think it is a cruel joke to have someone love something they can never truly enjoy having.  It's mean, really.  But those are the cards that are dealt, I guess. 

Creating Space

What can I do to create some space for self-love?  Well, I am going to have to fight for it for one.  When someone has been given special treatment for a long time, equality feels like discrimination.  I imagine that is what most men feel like lately. I know that's how they felt when I was growing up in the 70's and "Women's Lib" (ooo, scary!) came to be.  What will all the men do without a woman around to take off their shoes after they get done kicking her around?  For too long I gave my husband first dibs on just about everything because it was easier.  Kind of like buying the candy when the kid just won't shut up.  Well, now we've all got a bunch of spoiled brats.  Some are younger, some are older.  The behavior is about the same.  I am trying to learn and act on something new.  Still giving my husband love and respect; but also giving myself love and respect. If the mama lion don't eat, nobody does!

What is hard to accept?

What am I having a hard time accepting?  Usually I am pretty good at accepting things.  I would guess good things are hard to accept.  It usually seems that when something good happens that is when something bad decides to come out of nowhere and knock you on your butt. 

How are you?

How am I feeling right now?  Well, I was a little disappointed that my weight wasn't going as planned, but then a family member laid a whopper of a plan to me and now I am nervous and bewildered.  Seems he is going to go to an extremely dangerous place and do dangerous activities leaving behind all of his plans and achievements.  Now, the details of my weight seem a bit trivial and I am fearing for his sanity at best, his life shortly.  Just read a devotional that said not to worry because I don't know everything and can only see things from my point of view.  At first I thought it was talking about my relative, but then it occurred to me that it was me that was being talked to.  This is not my plan it is God's and the man must deal with Him and not me.  I just need to be there for him when the outcome is here.  AAAAHHHHHH!

Me

What do I think about me?  If I met me I would probably think I was responsible, quiet, have a temper, a little boring, controlling, and plain.  From the inside, I would say I am funny, insecure, smart, have a temper, impatient, think too much but not about the right things, and trying to find myself.  This summer I have been discovering things about myself and the world around me.  I have found that I am not always anything.  I change and so does everyone else.  I am trying to stop judging unless it is for safety reasons.  Sometimes you gotta judge.  Sometimes everything.  I am trying to know better so I can do better.

Rachel Ray

If I could have any celebrity chef (cook) make dinner for me it would probably be Rachel Ray.  And I would have her make me a sammy.  Not only does her food usually turn out delicious when made by me, but imagine how good it would be if made by her.  I also like how she talks and how she's so no nonsense about it.  She just does it.  There ya are, eat it.  Her food is usually pretty healthy.  It's always got some oil somewhere.  And I wouldn't feel like I needed to impress her or make her think I liked it if I didn't, she wouldn't care.  She'd be all fine about it.  And then we'd go to a movie and laugh real loud.

What's in the Bag?

List 10 things that are in my bag:
wallet
coin purse
checkbook
equate acetaminophen
2 Football cards
ear buds
floss
tums
2 free coupons for ice cream at McDonalds
lip balm

Sounds kinda like a medicine cabinet.

Improve my health

What is the one thing I could do to improve my health?  Well I just got back from a road trip.  We went around Iowa and into Wisconsin and across Minnesota.  My husband usually picks the places to eat and we tended to eat fast food.  There is only so much grilled chicken sandwiches one can eat.  Anyway, so today I am getting my shit together.  Started a fast as soon as a got home.  Only liquids.  Then I will eat only 0 point foods for 24 hours.  I feel like  I need to reset things.  Get them going back in the direction I want them to go.  Tonight I will take a walk and do a post-vacation yoga program.  I think that will help.  I also plan to re-enroll in Weight Watchers.  Six months didn't cut it.  I think I need another 6.  I also plan to call the doctor soon and do a well-woman check up.  Who knows what kind of things he's going to find. 

Christmas

What is one thing I can do to prepare for Christmas today?  Today is August 5.  I haven't given Christmas a thought.  I guess I could do a list of people I need to start thinking of this Christmas.  Going to have a grandbaby this year.  Maybe.  Due on the 26th.  Probably need to start thinking of that this year. 

Top Priority

What is the one thing I can do to improve my number one priority?  Well, number one is health.  My worst problem is eating too much.   I am still eating a lot of the points.  More than I should.  Stress has been getting to me.  Maybe pick up on stress relieving activities and laying it all to God?  That's what the me would tell me.  Now, that it easier said than done.  I am taking the next three days off of work.  That will probably help.  My husband is too; if he is less stressed, we are all less stressed.  I will visit this idea again in a week and see if taking some time off helps.