cuz the preacher told me to

My church has not been meeting due to the state of Kansas being shut down.  Instead our preacher has been doing some videos on Facebook.  Some of his videos are a couple of minutes, just a magic trick or something(he's a professional clown).  Usually on Sundays he does one a little longer with a message and visuals.  This Sunday he said something about how we don't write when we meet together in church, we just talk, or sing, or hug or give.  He said we should write in a journal.  This is kinda like a journal.  Here goes.
Since the shut down has started I have probably been "going" to church more now than I ever did.  Before I went to my local church on Sundays.  I read a devotional and Upper room every morning or so.  That's about it.  Since then I have severely upped my religious game.  I now virtually attend a neighboring town's worship service that meets live on FB.  I also watch the videos from my own pastor.  I watch another church that is much larger in Texas on occasion.  I still do the morning devotionals, but also do a couple of scripture readings when I get to work as well.  I DVR Joyce Meyer everyday.  I can't help but feel like all of this down time is for our own good.  That we were getting out of hand, so God pulled the proverbial plug and is now counting to 30.  The typical reset to anything that has frozen up and won't respond.  Not that God plans pandemics, but you know.  silver linings and all.  I don't miss most of the usual extras.  The meetings, the games, the whatever.  I miss sports on TV.  I miss family get-togethers.  The rest can stay gone. 

Hold me Back

What holds me back from fully embracing God's love?  Well.  I guess it is the belief that I am not worthy.  That would probably be it.  I don't feel I am important or that I have done anything to deserve it.  Which, I guess no one has.  I should allow myself to feel it.  Allow it to come through.  There is no reason not to.  It's not like I can fool him.

Hope

We are all enduring something.  What has God already shown you while you wait?  He is showing me that I was doing too much and not paying enough attention to Him.  Since the world went into quarantine, I have started doing devotions and religious readings throughout the day.  I watch daily "speaks" through a local church and a Christian health influencer on Facebook.  I read the Bible more.  On Sundays I not only watch my own church's, but also a couple of others' services.  My connection to God has grown greatly since my connection to others has been set aside.  I think the whole world is going through similar changes.  I feel like God has pulled the cord and is counting to thirty. 

Overcommitment

"What are you over committing yourself that isn't serving you anymore?"  I have been on a weight program for about 2 years.  For the first year I lost almost 40 pounds.  For the second, I have gained 12.  I feel like the program is no longer serving and I need to do something different.  I feel more and more guilty and hate it constantly.  I would like some freedom.  If only that freedom didn't come with weight gain.  With this whole stay at home thing, I think I will practice more freedoms but need to start controlling myself without someone else making those decisions for me.  That is the new practice.  At least for awhile. 

Choices and Sacrifices.

Where can you accept sacrificing for what you want and where can you not?  Right now is a weird time.  I don't usually want to do anything much, but having the choice taken away I do not like.  I also do not like that I want to eat a lot and am having difficulty seeing why I shouldn't.  No one is going to see me anyway.  But.  Maybe weightloss and health shouldn't be about others seeing me.  It should be about me.  My health.  What I see and feel.  I have been others in the driver's seat too long.  I have a choice and I am giving it away and then having the nerve to complain about not having choices to make.  I have choices and always have.  I need to make the ones that will lead me to happiness.

Another day of Clarity

"What is dimming your soul right now?"  Well I gotta say it is fear.  I am far more afraid of the side effects of the virus than I am of the virus.  The panic will cause far more damage than the virus ever could.  I fear we are giving too much power to the government in order to keep us safe.  All of the guidelines sound awful familiar.  I fear the economy crashing.  I fear the lack of education that the children will be receiving.  I fear that the media has been lying to us for so long that we can no longer trust them therefore putting our very lives at risk.  This whole thing was created.  It's not a "thing" that just happened.  My soul is very dim.  

Clarity

"How do you know when you are connected to your soul?"  I am always connected to my soul.  My soul is me.  I am my soul.  This is no mystery.  I am who I am.