Joy in 2019

I have some goals for 2019.  I'd like to go on three trips.  I'd like to reach my goal weight by June 1.  I'd like to develop a closer relationship with God.  I'd like to heal from the inside out.  I'd like to set boundaries and be confident. 
Objectives:
1. Plan and Go!
2. exercise smartly, serious tracking, try Holy Mess
3.  Attend church weekly
4. Work on healing and spiritual challenges
5.  Set boundaries and do not react to others opinions.

Change One thing

If I could change one this that happened this year it would be that my daughter didn't have to suffer like she did this summer.  She had a horrible year, but especially a difficult summer.  Between the burns and the foot surgery she truly suffered.  If I could change anything it would be to say no to that surgery (I don't think the benefits were worth it) and I would have not let her make that ram an noodles.  Those two events were horrifying. 

World Goals

List of things I would like to see in the world:
1. Way less judgement in the way women look.
2. Less propaganda in the media
3. More acceptance with different ideas
4. More reasonable thinking
5.  Less domestic animal breeding for the hell of it.

Count your Blessings

1. country- best one in the world
2. home- I love it here
3. husband- we are meant to be together
4. children- both biological and step
5. grandchildren- those that are lost, those that are here, and those that are yet to come
6. weather- cold, but not too bad
7. pets- all are rescue, all are lucky to be here
8. food network
9. health
10. chiefs are in the playoffs
11. christmas will soon be over- getting pretty tempting in here
12.  naps
13. pjs
14. central heat and air
15. modern technology
16. Most importantly- Jesus- his birthday is soon which marks when he came to earth to teach us the word and to save us from our sins.

Most Proud of this year

The thing I am most proud of this year would be the weight loss.  I wish it had been more, like 50, but so far it has been 38.  And this Christmas season has been rough.  There are cookies everywhere!  But the 38 feels pretty amazing.  I am wearing three sizes smaller.  I feel a whole lot better.  I have been working on my health as a whole.  I feel like I know myself a lot better.  Spiritually as well as mentally.  I have had everything medically examined.  That's a relief.  I have worked hard and suffered a lot.  My goal for December was to just get through it without gaining and to enjoy it.  To actually enjoy it.  I did a lot of enjoying and not working.  I  mean I worked, but the Christmas activities weren't work.  They were enjoyed.  Today I wrapped presents with the help of my daughters.  Usually I have them wrapped a couple of weeks ago.  This year, I was too busy looking at lights, drinking cocoa and watching movies.  I have relaxed.  Last weekend we had a cookie extravaganza and I have been having a hard time staying out of them.  When I want one (some) I will either eat one and then a salad; or I will put one in a bowl along with some fruit, almonds, and cheese.  Or I just eat a handful and feel bad about it after.  I've only done that once.  I could do it a hundred times.  Come Wednesday, it is back to serious tracking and restricting.  I have kept up with my workouts.  That hasn't been a problem. 

Transformation

These two pictures are 10 months apart and 38 pounds difference.  It is 4 days till Christmas and all I want to do is cheat.  I need to look at these pictures.

What's in the bag?

So.  What is in my purse?
sunglasses
wallet
midol
checkbook
God with Us booklet
acetaminophen
coin purse
receipts (3)
football card
gift cards (3)
honey lip butter made from goat milk
4 pens


Exciting stuff, man.

Gratitude at Christmas

Top ten things I am grateful to do with family at Christmas:
1.  watch Christmas movies- Deck the Halls, Scrooged, Family Man, etc
2.  Make cookies with daughters
3.  Look at lights
4.  Worship service
5.  Outside Nativity
6.  gingerbread houses
7. School Christmas program
8.  Donation of some kind to charity
9. Put up decorations
10.  listen to carols in the car

Random Lists

Random lists from my Amazon account:

First 10 songs played on shuffle:
134 Days by karise Eden
Awake my Soul by Mumford & Sons
Let it Be Me by Joey & Rorie
Benefit for Mr. Kite by Across the Universe soundtrack
Christmas Love by Beckah Shae
Elsa and Anna by Frozen Soundtrack
All you need is Love by Across the Universe soundtrack
Don't you Remember by Adele
The Way it Is by Commitments soundtrack
Music by Beckah Shae


Three Random books on Kindle:
Finding Freedom by Alyssa Bethke
Phantom Evil by Heather Graham
The hearts of a Girl by Jessica Carmel


Last Five Things bought:
Dog bones from Amazon
1lb workout weights from Amazon
Robitussin from Walmart
Gingerbread house from Walmart
gas from Casey's

Weekend of Holiday Cheer

This weekend was pretty enjoyable.  Saturday morning I did a workout and then  my son came over to visit.  He got his first coyote on Saturday.  Then my daughters and I had a cookie extravaganza.  We each made a different cookie and used a recipe that we have never made before.  I receive a recipe daily from Betty Crocker.  Two of the recipes were those: Easy Russian Tea Snowballs and Chocolate Truffles.  I made Susan Lucci's grandma's peanut butter cookies.  Those were marvelous!  Following the bake-off we delivered to my grandmother's spreading holiday cheer.  Later that evening we went to Memory Lane light display.  Which inspired my husband to hang lights.  First time ever.  Been together 19 years. 
Today I went to church with my youngest daughter.  I hadn't been there in almost a month.  Between illness, snow storm, and a new grand baby being born last Sunday morning I hadn't been there.  Felt good to get back there.  This afternoon I took the dog on a long walk and then made gingerbread houses with my daughter.  Spent the rest of the afternoon watching Elf and taking a nap.  Was a real good weekend. 

Betty

You know how in life there are those women who are just better than anyone else?  Not prettier or smarter or anything like that, but there souls are just better than everyone else. And no matter how hard you tried, no one will ever be as good as they are. They are angels disguised as humans.  Mrs Dawson from Lyndon; Darlene Griffin from Ottawa, and Betty Driver from Pomona.  Yesterday, the world lost Betty Driver. I miss her.  And I am so sorry that I disappointed her.

The Year in Goals

In February my goal was just to lose weight.  Since then I have planned more goals and for the most part completed or improved in those areas.  I have upped my self care tremendously and am still nowhere near high maintenance.  I have demanded my health be taken care of.  I have been or have appointments in the medical field to have proper medical care.  I have been working on enjoyment.  I had none, no I do.  I am working on practicing mental health through mediation and journaling as well as other methods.  Self Love is being attempted to practice.  I have put into place a daily worship with God.  I have been working on boundaries.  My MIL is a little slow on the take with that one.  Each month or season I have some short term theme being focused on.  I was working on my plateau last.  This month I have been working on enjoying Christmas season while still maintaining my healthful living.  I think I have come a long way.  I still need to work on my weight loss.  I still need to work on it all.  But I am on the right path.  I am better.  I am enough.

Bad Habit

Bad habits, bad habits.  What is a bad habit?  Depends on who you are asking.  What isn't a bad habit to me might be to you if had to deal with me doing it.  I have a bad habit of eating more than I should.  I also tend to be nervous when it isn't warranted.  I have a horrible temper.  All are bad characteristics.  Bad habit though?  I bite off my hang nails with my teeth.  Which is tearing up my teeth.  I also have a habit of drinking too much caffeine.  And there you have it.  Must they be broken?  I will decide. 

Free Range

Free writing on my intuition.  hmmmm, that's a tuffy.  My intuition is usually pretty good, but can get a little messed up with my paranoia.  However, the world is pretty negative so sometimes paranoia doesn't mean they aren't after you.  I feel like my intuition would probably be better if when I said something, people would consider it instead of brushing it off as the ramblings of a nut job.  Even when the things happen, they don't connect it with me.  However, I could listen to it at anytime.  I could take myself seriously as well.  I don't take myself seriously.  I don't respect myself all that much.  I don't set up boundaries.  All of that I need to do.  For myself and my home.  Other people would benefit as well, but that's neither here nor there.  I was supposed to write three feelings I wanted to feel for the Christmas season.  The first one was appreciated.  That leaned on everyone else though.  Appreciation is overrated.  I changed it to Joy.  They can appreciate me all they want.  Or don't.  I should just have joy.  I also picked peace.  I kept that one.  The other I can't recall the original, but I changed it to wonder.  I would like to feel some wonder.  Endless wonder. 

15 Interesting

15 Interesting things about me.  I don't know about interesting, but they stand out more than other facts.
1. Mother of 3, stepmother of 4, has one child with hypoplastic left heart
2. Have a Bachelor's in Education
3. Met someone running for President of the US (Bob Dole)
4. Been arrested (never charged)
5. Been to Washington DC twice
6. Have heard a ghost
7. Know how to play a flute
8. Know someone on death row
9. Hate the holiday Thanksgiving
10. Saw a panther (in Kansas in the wild)
11.  I have eaten both chicken feet and squirrel (separate occasions)
12.  Have watched the X-Files over four times
13. I practice daily meditation
14.I am a daughter of God
15. Once I was in the pit at a Metallica/Guns-n-Roses concert and got a Metallica pick

The Cliff?

I've been on a plateau as far as my weight loss goes.  For over two months, three really, I have been bouncing around the 36-37lb loss.  Up and down the same three pounds.  I was aware that plateaus are normal so I figured while I was at it I would dive into some other things that needed looked at.  Health wise.  I had some medical procedures done for health maintenance.  I knocked around the psychological blockages.  I even dabbled in the spiritual and borderline witchcraft stuff.  All of which was fun and effective in their own ways, but none helped with weight loss.  I have been following a "Finding Freedom" program that had me do a disorder questionnaire.  Turns out I am more than a little screwed up.  One of the things I do is I will go on an emotional binge and then to "fix" it, I will come close to starving to make it right.  Which leads to another binge, which leads to another starve.  Turns out this is an eating disorder.  I started to do some research on plateaus and on another program, "Finish Lines," I came across that this method of eating can encourage a plateau because on the starve days I don't eat enough calories (approx 700) and the binge too many(well over 2000).  I also had not lifted weights in about 3 months.  My water intake had fallen off.  These were all simple fixes, but the leveling out the emotional eating was going to take a few weeks to get straitened out.  Well, it's been about three weeks and this weigh in I finally broke the barrier!  Which is surprising since it was Thanksgiving weekend and not only was there lots of food, but lots of stress.  I think I handled the stress ok.  On the food, I made a Thanksgiving rules list and stuck to it.  Going back to tracking the next meal.  I feel better.  I don't trust it all of the way, but I do feel some relief. 

Share and share alike

No matter the suffering, God is with me.  We suffer so that when others suffer we can be there with them and know what they are feeling.  I guess I am supposed to share my sufferings and comforts as well as my redemption.  I am hoping by what I am reading that if I share that God has helped me lose weight and get healthy that it will help others.  Of course first I have to lose weight. 

Doing my best

Every hindrance is to be thrown off and run with perseverance.  Toss sin aside.  Run amok! (Amok, Amok, Amok) If I keep my eyes on the prize (Jesus) I am not worried about stuff.  I am not ridden with guilt.  I am carefree and down right skippy.  Why do I blindly do what I am told by everyone else?  Out with the old, in with the new; give thanks.  Sin is no longer my master.  Fix my eyes on what is unseen.  I am renewed every day.  Be good. 

My Community

I live in a rural community in Kansas.  Though I live in the country, I am not a farmer.  I used to have a large garden and rabbits and stuff, but my kids outgrew the rabbits and my husband can't stand to have plants growing so I no longer do that.  I live near what could be considered a village.  About 200 people live there; that's at the top of a triangle between two small towns.  One, my kids go to school in, has about a thousand people in it; the other, that I work in, has about 10,000 people.  My church is in another village near by.  I wouldn't say I am especially close to that many people, but when you live in a small community all of your life everyone knows about everyone else always and it becomes close without really having to do the work.  If you know what I mean. 
I used to do a couple of exercise classes at local churches for exercise, but currently I just work on my own.  I have tried to incorporate my husband to exercise with me, but beyond the purchase of an extremely expensive piece of workout equipment, he hasn't done anything.  Some of the steps I have taken is to workout regularly, but not be crazy about it.  I hope that I can encourage him to join me, but he kind of has a confidence that is unreal.  Which is kind of great, but when he is wrong, there is no convincing otherwise.  Something I have been considering is getting a food counselor.  I think that might help.  I am starting to lose interest and I know in my heart that I am not finished. 

Thanksgiving

1. Jason
2. home
3. kids
4. business
5. health

Well, that was super easy.  Top 5 things I am thankful for without thinking.  Rejoice always.  Pray constantly.  Give thanks in everything. 

Customer Service

When I receive excellent customer service it makes me want to spend more money there.  However, I have seen people take extreme advantage of customer service and try to screw the company out of everything they can and boost their own egos while they are at it.  So it's a toss up as to whether it is effective or not. 
The opposite of my temptations with food and body image would be a healthy person who eats when they choose because they are hungry.  I tend to try to do creative math and justify reasons to get what I want.  I might me one of those greedy customers when it comes to my health. 
The bible says to love your neighbor as yourself.  But what about when you don't love yourself very much.  Could it also be read, love yourself as you love your neighbor?  Of the fruits of the spirits I would have to say self-control is the complete opposite of my customer service when it comes to my temptations.  This week is Thanksgiving.  I have already been struggling more and more as this plateau goes on, so Thanksgiving is probably going to really kick my ass.  I suppose some practical ways of going about this week would be to do my plateau practices that I recently put together, with Thanksgiving as a "no points counted" day.  No point in feeling horribly guilty about the whole thing.  I will be careful of portions and try to make the food on the lighter side and just don't keep points that day.  Even if I am careful, I will out-point and then feel terrible about Thanksgiving.  Which is not the point of Thanksgiving at all. 
I will be having guests on Thanksgiving.  I should focus on their interests and not on my own.  Not on my guilt or points or sin.  Just what do they need.  And hope that none of them become greedy customers. 

Stick together

Ecclesiastes 4 summed up would be: stick together.  I would not say I have a pack.  I have friends, but none that I consider especially close.  I really don't have any that I could talk about weight with.  I used to be with a couple of women that I was close to and we worked out together and everything.  But one moved away and the other had gastric bypass surgery.  My sister and mother neither one has a weight problem and most of my family either don't or do and have made peace with it. 
I should probably start going to WW meetings, but I am so afraid.  It's my experience that instead of support, people tend to give criticism to boost themselves rather than advice.  I have been struggling with a plateau for about 2 months.  It has gotten so that I feel disappointed and like giving up.  The old self-hatred thoughts have made there way back in.  I repeatedly think about the things that are frustrating me, including ones that I can't do anything about.  I am really feeling the need to binge.  I feel empty. 

63 days

I have been isolated in my struggle mainly because making it known opens up things for people to attack.  They will know it bothers me and go straight for it.  My husband usually goes straight for crazy.  My father did too.  It's in my experience that men tend to do that. Making a woman crazy makes her easier to handle.  You also don't have to admit that you are an asshole.  If I let it be known that my weight bothers me, it would give him a new target.  He already had a period of trying to control what I ate all the time.  He thought it was funny.  It was not funny.  My mother would be constantly giving me "helpful" advise.  Of course sometimes, she just makes it up.  Like completely.  No nutritional research at all.  I want to find a balance of not being ashamed and taking care of myself without boosting so many egos with my suffering. 
One thought that keeps coming back, "it doesn't matter to anyone".  Which may be true.  My weight truly doesn't and shouldn't.  The only time it does is to give someone an ego boost or ammunition to cut me down.  Whether my weight is up or down, really doesn't matter.  I should care about being healthy and that is it.  I've GOT to cut out some of this negativity in my life. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

This week I have discovered that I place too much on beauty.  If asked would I rather be a genius or beautiful, I would pick beautiful.  Why?  Cuz if I am beautiful, I don't need anything else.  If I am smart, I still need other things.  Over and over I have read that God thinks I am beautiful and that he created me to look like this.  This is exactly what he wants.  This probably has always been there.  I live in the modern world where a woman's looks mean everything and the older a woman gets the less value she holds.  However, looks change.  What is beautiful changes by the time and location.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  My beauty may not be what the media considers beautiful, but the media has an extremely narrow scope.  The media is stupid.

Holidays are Here

Things I love to do this time of year:

sit in the dark and look at the lights on the tree
listen to christmas music while I clean or drive
go shopping
drive around looking at lights
seeing snow if there is any ( I suspect this is going to be my lucky year)
open christmas cards in the mail
set up the nativity
hear that I will have no overnight guests
have kitties curl up next to me to get warm.

Food for Comfort

Of course I turn to food for comfort, duh!  No one is that hungry.  2 Corinthians says that we receive comfort so that we can give comfort.  Eating comfort is not possible to pass along.  Jesus asks for all who are weary.  He created the food for thanksgiving, to be enjoyed.  Today I will count my points and enjoy my food.

Tebow

Let's start this review with everybody loves Tim Tebow.  Even when they say they don't, they do.  I tend to carry around the books I am reading and read them at various places: practices, lessons, various other kid activities, and when I do people usually never comment on the book.  Unless it has Tim Tebow's picture on the front.  My boys (early twenties) argue over who gets the book next.  When it's Tebow.  "This is the Day" is Tim's newest book and it is about grabbing your dreams and making them happen through God.  He gets pretty honest in this book, sharing his minor league experiences.  When he talks about the things the other teams would do to them, though I can see where he wouldn't find them so funny, I thought they were hilarious! He had touching moments as well as once that really made you think.   I feel like this is his best book yet.  Perfect idea for stocking stuffers!

Out with the Old

It's comfortable to know that God and the universe have given me the tools needed to deal with things that go wrong.  I am finding that life is much easier when I know how to deal with it.  What stuck out the most is the impact my parents have had on my weight.  I can see the why now.  But I am no longer a kid and can do what I want.  I can say yes or no to whatever.  I just need to DO it. In             1 Corinthians 13 is says that as a child I thought like a child, but as a grown-up I put away childish things.  It is time to put away childish things. 

#trueyou

Three reason why I love myself:
Because I am the only body I got.
I get shit done!
What's not to like!

Three Reason I am grateful to be alive today:
Of all the times in history to be a woman, this would be the one I would want to be in.
Because I have so much I still want to do.
It's a wonderful world/

Three difficult things this week:
Family visited
harassment at work from various sources
trying out balancing/intuitive eating

Three things I will do next week:
Get balancing in line
Have birthday party for my 14 year old
get will done

Reasons I deserve happiness
everyone does
I have not done anything to deserve pain
I am a good person

Three ways I am closer to the #trueyou:
I am learning my sources
I am learning who I want to be
I no longer care what it takes to get there or what others think about it.

Wonderfully Made

This week I have had some things put upon me that I didn't especially want.  All were people trying to take advantage in various ways.  All have given me tons of stress and anxiety.  I want to hide when that happens.  I am getting kind of tired of people  I have been getting back on track and trying to even out a balance in things lately.  All of stress is binding that up.  However, I keep reading that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am how I am supposed to be.  That I need to love me as I am.  I can change things for the better, but that shouldn't be the reason I love myself.  I am working on it.  I noticed that this past week was easier to handle when I kept myself in mind.  For instance when I was being absorbed and used this week I snuck off and did some walking by myself.  Then sat on a park bench and meditated.  I felt ready after that.  I also took a candle lit bath one night when I knew people were wanting me to serve.  Screw 'em.  I'm taking a long soak. 
Now to get through the work related anxiety. 

do it myself

I would say there are two areas where I have no control.  Or normally have none.  I don't usually have control over the food going in and I don't usually have any control over my home where guests are concerned.  I am lately fighting for control over my thoughts.  I have been working considerably on my control over things and letting other things go.  For instance, I can let a lot of things that I try to control go.  Just let someone else do it.  And then controlling the things that actually matter to me.  Like my health.  I need to control my reactions to things I don't like.  I may not be able to control who comes over, how long, and to do what; but I can control whether I am there.  I know my not being there will hinder the enjoyment  as no one else is there to do the work, he will need to.  I can control what I am willing to do.  I can control how much activity I do for exercise.  The food part is harder.  I have come to realize that the binge/deprive thing I have been doing is not working.  I need to even things out.  That's what I am trying to do now.  Have a few treats spread out over the week.  
I don't think "I need to control" is a lie.  People need to control a little of something.  Otherwise, they are being controlled.  Sometimes control is a good thing.  Controlling everything; now that's a lie.

My flaws would be the need to control everything.  Not being able to control that which is actually in my control.  etc.

pie chart

I am loving the area of results in the area of smaller clothes.  No one has noticed yet.  I don't think anyone actually looks at 45 year old women anyway, and so no one probably will notice.  I notice.  I am disliking the results of my mind control.  I feel like I am losing control a little right now.  Mother-in-law is coming this weekend, baby shower, crazy lady called and yelled on phone, and creepy guy is coming by again.  Feel like I am not keeping peace.  I am not sure what I can do.  Other than hide.  That would not be appropriate.  Hold it together till Monday I guess.  Wish husband wasn't bailing on me this weekend.  But of course that is what he usually does.  That's how he deals with the stress. 
I am thankful for the visit being short.  I am thankful that I have come together with the tools I need to handle any situation. Just wish I didn't need to put them to use quite so soon. 
I tend to put others first to the point of harming myself.  I need to put myself first in the areas that my health is at risk.  I tend to soothe myself with food.  It tends to be more acceptable to do rather than say no.  It feels like everyone is constantly wanting something.  I need to do this; need to do that.  Even the dog!  Other people's demands tend to put my health on the back burner due to the fact that they won't stop whining.  I realize I am not important to others, but I should be important to myself and I have been working on my health even though others do not like how it improaches on their desires.  I buy much healthier food now and refuse to eat out with others near as often.  I also take at least 30 minutes a day to walk whether they like it or not.  Sometimes I can't figure out why they especially care other than just to control. 

macros, smacros

So I did some steps in the Metabolism Reset Challenge and discovered that some days I am no where near the calories or grams of anything and some days I am way over the calories.  It has been pointed out on two other things I follow (CWL and an Instagram blog) that bingeing or emotional eating is bad because of .......  So when it was put in mathematical format I could see it.  I need to stop over eating some days and then trying to make up for it on others.  Weight watchers has "weekly" points for special days, but I was using them to excess and then trying to make up.  I need to make it a more balanced week.  Balance is my November word.  I am going to work on balancing my diet before I go further into why I am not losing as quickly as I would like.
Culprits:
Stress
Vitamins (weird outta balance thing I got going on)
sleep
food sensitivities.  I have had blood work, I think that area is fine.

The Hurdles

What are my mental and emotional hurdles that I have been going through?  Well.....I have doing a lot of soul searching in the last few months.  Along with my physical health I felt the need to become healthy mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Which meant coming to deal with a lot of stuff in the past.  Most of which I feel I have come to terms with as of late.  I also felt the need to place it to the side for a bit.  Let it rest.  However, yesterday I received a call from my lawyer about going over the papers for our will.  We saw him in June and as most know, we had the summer from hell.  This unstable state was being had during the time the original papers were being drawn up for the will.  I thought I had put it to rest when he "came to", but as I keep reading I keep having flash backs to his behavior as well as all of the trauma of the summer.  It has become difficult to read the papers (and not just because they are in attorney speak).  I'm thinking maybe I am not ready to read and rehash.  I may need to take this in baby steps. 

Reflection

This week I have learned that Jesus had all of the exact same temptations as everyone else.  Which is something I kind of knew until I blended it with this: everyone in the world has the same temptations.  So in other words, the heroin addicts have the same temptations as me.  Yet I find myself not at all fighting the desire for heroin.  Yet, a Buzzard's Pizza?  So both me and the addict are enticed the same.  But I can say, "heroin?  No, I'm good."  Maybe the other guy can't.  Temptations are the same, we just say yes to different things.  We still fall.  Temptations are all the same, if you can turn down one you can turn down another.  Furthermore, you can't snub your nose as anyone falling to their temptations when you fall to yours.   I need to ask God's help in continuing the process, in fighting temptations, in balance.  The lies I believed that I need to stop is: my temptations aren't as bad as someone else's, that I am destined to be this way, that my pride doesn't get in the way. 

tools

What tools do I need to achieve my goals?  That is the question of the day. So I was thinking of things to buy.  However, my simple living blog I read said that more stuff is more stuff.  So what do I need that isn't more stuff?  I don't know.  I don't want to get stuff for the sake of getting stuff.  I will be needing some workout shoes shortly.  So there's that.  I also need to stock up on chicken, fish, and fresh fruits and veggies.  I am getting a little bored of the same old same old.  Need to liven things up.  Get some unique fruits and veggies.  Probably have to go to Lawrence for that. 

the way out

Weirdly two different bible readings gave the same verses this morning.  God must want me to know something.  And that something is......

All temptations are the same for everyone  and he will always give you a way out.  No temptation is more than anyone can bear.  He is faithful.  Jesus is the high priest and he was tempted in the same ways as me.  He never fell.  He knows what I'm talking about. 

Change

Paul's three step process
1. put out old self
2. be made new in attitude of minds
3. put on new self

Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Kindness is probably the easiest, self-control is the hardest.

CHANGE

I haven't really lost any weight in the last two months.  It has gone up and down the same 3 pounds by the week.  But I felt I was being called to work on something else for a time.  I had heard of weight loss plateaus and felt that that's what was happening and since it was, I might as well work on something else.  That something else being healing from past wounds.  Wounds that may very well have caused the weight issue to begin with.  I worked on several issues and wounds.  I worked on psychological aspects as well as emotional and stress related.  I dove pretty deep for a person without their main crutch.  That might be why I didn't lose anything as well.  I think I did pretty well considering.  It was an emotionally hard two months.  I also had some medical exams and tests done.  I am not one to visit the doc unless I am ill, so this was all pretty new.  Got a pap for the first time in about 10 years, first mammogram ever, blood work, etc.  All is well.  But now I am thinking I need to let it rest a bit.  Give my soul some time to heal and time to strengthen.  I want to focus back on basic eating and exercise.  My new goal is to be in one size smaller by spring break.  We are going to be on a plane and I would like my butt to be the size of the average American butt.  I am going to start focusing on more veggies and lower points.  I am going to continue to do walking,yoga and tai chi, but also to do more Pilates and strength training.  My goal is pretty simple.  I need some simple right now.  I am not going to drop the self-love and self-care, but I am going to put the major mental topics and actives on the back burner.  I need some down time in that department.

Week three

2. Yes it does.  I was thinking the other day about a woman who claims to be Christian and yet lives in a typically "unchristian like" fashion.  Then it occurred to me that she still may love God with all she has and that her behavior and love for God is none of my business nor any less real than mine.  She is his image same as me and no better or different.  His daughter too.

1.  I need to get rid of shame in bringing my health and consideration for it public.  Not necessarily public, but not hidden.  When you need to exercise, don't hide it just do it.  When you want to turn down a dessert, just turn it down.  If you want to eat it, just eat it.  Don't sneak it. 

3. In a way both.  I am encouraged that the spiritual war is there, because I know that all will end well and that there is nothing outside of my mind I can do about it.  On the other hand, there is nothing on the outside of my mind I can do about it.

Created

What I have learned this week:  I was created by him, for him, in him.  I will not be able to move forward until I have learned to accept myself as I am and to love myself as I am no matter how I am.  My body is a temple for God and I am to love it and me no matter what.  In response to this information, I need to learn to treat my body with care whether weight is lost or gained.  I will exercise because it is good for me, not just because I want something in return.  I should learn to meditate and journal because it it makes me feel good and stop when that goal is achieved.  I need to learn to eat when hungry and to enjoy the foods that I am eating.  It is a joy to eat; many people can't.

Prayer requests: I pray for willpower, enjoyment, and good health.  I pray for others to have access to the food that I have an abundance of.

Grateful:
1. time spent with husband doing something I had never done before (NASCAR).
2.  Spent time with both grandfathers.
3. things have calmed down at work.

One way food issues are stealing from me:  It is a big time consumer.  Whether weight watching or not, it seems to take a lot of time.

List of Courageous moments:
Continue to keep getting back up when people are mean to me
Fought for daughter when sexually assaulted
Watching for daughter when in hospital, every time.
Going against in-laws, time and again.
Divorcing while pregnant

Maybe I better look at my Why again

So my Why.  I did the "why" questions earlier and the point of the why was that I wanted to live to see my child grow up.  I have been to doctors and had scans to update my medical health and other than the cholesterol is a little high, I am going to live.  So now I still hope to lose the total of 75 pounds with 35 to go.  Lately I keep gaining and losing the same 2-3 pounds for the last 2 months.  So I need to re-evaluate my "why." 
Why do I want to lose 35 pounds?
Because it will be healthier and I will look better.
Why do you want to be healthier and look better?
Because though I am not at risk for dying, I want to live well.  I want to be more in shape.
Why do you want to be more in shape?
Because there are a lot of things I want to do and I don't want to be embarrassed or unable to do them.
Why do you want to do them?
Because I want to experience life and enjoy it.
Why do you want to experience life?
Because I see regrets in my grandparents and I don't want to be alone with them when I am older.  I not only want to live, but to live well.

dream goal

My comfortable goal is to "be healthy".  I have several goals that are attached to that.  One being to get all medical health check-ups updated and deal with results.  Check.  All that is left is eye doctor and I am due for that in December.  That was to be done by the New Year.  Second is lose 75 pounds in one year.  I have lost almost 40 in 7 months.  Scheduled due date has been moved to June 1.  I may have overestimated that one.  Another is to connect more with my husband, become closer to my God, overcome PTSD and anxiety and all the while actually learn to enjoy life and be happy.  Those are more vague goals.  Not really sure how to measure enjoyment.  Anyway, one thing I would like to do is run the 5K (they do two heart runs in KC).  They are both in June.  I would like to be able to run one of them.  Now, anyone who is 45 and had three kids knows that running is usually not a good idea (think wet pants) but I would like to be able to.  I need to loose the weight by the goal date and then really step up the fitness routine.  I will think more on that later.

Day Three

1. Galatians 1:11-24 is Paul's story.
2. That man who once persecuted us is now preaching the very message he used to try to destroy.  Their response was to recognize and worship God because of me.

Tomorrow I am supposed to take an eating disorder test, but I already took it on day one.  The test was pretty astonished at my results.  It appears I touch on just about all of them.  I don't have night time eating.  I also don't have bulimia.  Anymore.  I didn't think I had anorexia, but apparently the thing I do where I try to make up for bingeing is a type of anorexia.  I would say I am mostly a emotional binge eater.  I didn't have control over anything growing up.  My dad has OCD and he pretty much controlled everything.  So when I grew up, I wanted to take my control and in turn, did the same thing.  Except eating.  It was something I was always free at.  Except not really.  What I was considering freedom was more control over me.  I need to let the release the grip of a lot of the rest of my life and control the eating.  Hmmm, yeah, I should do that.

Arms of Mercy review

Ruth Reid strayed a little from her supernatural Amish Fiction, but has found her way back in her newest, "Arms of Mercy."  In her latest novel, Catherine finds herself between two men, Elijah, her ex who ran off and married another, and Zach, her man for years who doesn't seem to want to tie the knot.  Personally I don't know why this was a choice.  I would have dumped them both.  Which she kinda does.  She decides to go to Florida to work in a bakery, when Elijah (now widowed) gets on board the bus for a little long distance stalking.  While on their way, the bus wrecks, the two are separated and Catherine has amnesia.  While separated in a foreign land (Ohio), the learn to know themselves and do a little reevaluating.
This is a pretty good book.  I like Reid.  Thought the ending was predicted, the middle was certainly unpredictable.  I received this book in exchange for an honest review from www.booklookbloggers.com. 

Two

1. permanent memorial to for the People of Israel.
2. The flow of the Jordan was stopped in it's tracks.

Born to teenage parents in a small town in Kansas.  About three years later moved to a farm house owned by my grandfather.  Wonderful home to grow up in.  Grew  up a an extremely strict environment which left me unable to make decisions.  Went to college and became a prime target for the much more experienced.  God looked out for me then.  No lasting effects.  Married poorly in early twenties and had two children.  Divorced while pregnant with the second.  Husband completely abandoned all financial responsibility.  God looked out for me then.  Though was in poverty, maintained all means of reasonable life.  Married again and had terminally ill child.  God looked out for me then.  Child miraculously lived and is healthy though still has illness.  Though I have made some terrible decisions and have not done all that I knew was right, God has been there to shield me when needed. 

negative to a positive

Today I came to work and the phones were going crazy.  Which is good; we like business.  This was almost more than we could even answer, but we were doing well.  A meeting had been scheduled and clearly we were going to be too busy to handle a meeting, not to mention that the meeting had been had to no avail several times before.  The other person had come without all of the necessary information.  So I called to reschedule.  He was upset.  At the time I was listening to him chastise me, the school called for me to come get my sick kid.  I almost snapped.  It turned out being pushed to the edge by controlling men was a positive.  I "had" to leave the office to get her, giving me time to cool down.  I rescheduled, like it or not, proving that the limits needed to be set and doing things well was more important that making a man happy.  The time was freed up to take care of customers that were needing help.  When looked at in another point of view, things aren't nearly as trying as they first appeared. 

The only we thing we have to fear.....

My fears:
riding on a plane
getting kicked off of a roller coaster
water (drowning)
dropping suddenly
men
losing my husband to someone else
my child dying
my mil moving in with me


I would say other than the first two my fears are pretty founded.  They are things to be warned of and to take into account of.  They are not things that won't happen, they are things that quiet honestly could or will happen.  The first two are more of ego thing.  I don't want the humiliation.  This spring break I will be facing both of them.  I do not look forward to either.  My goal is to lose another 20 pounds by March to ensure that the humiliation part does not occur.  Though it still might.  I feel sick.

Gotta have goals

Short term goals:
weigh what my driver's license says by Thanksgiving
eye doctor by end of the year
get cholesterol down to normal by new year


Long term goals:
lose 20 pounds by spring break
goal weight by June 1
have two trips planned and preferably taken by New Year 2020.

theme vs passion

Lately I have been passionate about my health and it has morphed into being passionate about changing my life for the better.  Sometimes I wonder if I am changing everything I am, but I think I am becoming who I am.  All of this stuff was pretty much there all along.  I am just now acting on it.  Now, I don't really like to watch what I eat, but I am not changing too much really.  Just eating less of it or a light version.  I don't mind exercising, but I am discovering new types, like interval and ti chi.  There are a few things I have dabbled in that might go against my religion lately, and I have since decided that they are crap.  But I can see where psychologically they would help someone who did believe.  Like crystals (personally I think they are just pretty rocks) and that one thing where there is an informational highway running over your head with all the info from past lives. Yeah, I don't believe that. There are a couple of things I sorta believe.  Like Chakras.  I think that that area of the body does do that kinda and that eating certain foods help that area.  I also believe in archangels, but I don't think that Raphael is going to help me with my creativity.  Right now I am all about making myself healthier, happier, at peace, and healing from the past.  I do not think I can make a living at it. 

Let it Go

One of the mantras I have had to say time and again is  "I choose to let go of that which does not benefit me."  So, what am I ready to let go of?
Parents too young
Angry father
mother with a razor for a tongue
Bullied by boys in school
sexually assaulted
husband unfaithful
battered by husband
single parenthood
chronically ill child
harassing in-laws

There is probably more, but this is the highlights.

My ears have heard

Several days ago I began looking into non-traditional reasons for my ear troubles.  I have had ear problems all of my life.  Countless ear infections as well as ear drum bursts.  Of course this has made me hard of hearing.  I have often wondered why I am the only person I know over the age of 10 with so  many ear infections.  I discovered that unorthodox teachings of the ears having health issues is when the ear chakra is closed up.  Which sounds like horse shit until they started to explain.  When a child hears lots of sounds that are unwelcome they will start to close their ears to sounds.  Which will result in ear infections.  My parents fought constantly.  And they said some pretty horrible things to each other, as well as to me, and just in general.  They were incredibly young, poor, and angry.  Life wasn't being too kind to them.  That was how they expressed it.  They did better when they knew better.  Lately, I have been trying to open my ears.  I hadn't realized how much I wasn't hearing because I didn't want to.  So much white noise is now being heard. 
Today's activity was to listen to my favorite song and dance; the other was to listen to Broken Chains by Tasha Cobbs Leonard.  My favorite song is What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong.  The American Heart Association also said to listen to sounds of nature.  It seems Hearing is the word of the day.  With the combination of the three I have come to realize a few things.  One: in 1967 when the world could not have kind to Mr. Armstrong, he still sang and appeared to truly believe that the world was wonderful.  That it is time for me to break the chains that are not doing me or anyone else any favors.  Those days are long gone.  My parents are no longer young or poor.  I am not a child listening to bad things anymore.  I am a woman listening to crickets, trees blowing, and kitties meowing.  And some amazing music.

Enjoy Weight Loss

No one truly enjoys losing weight while it is happening.  I don't think.  It's kinda awful, not just because of the hunger and exhaustion, but the time consuming process of planing and scheduling and the just plan obsessing.  Always looking for something to "make do" with.  The high and low of success and disappointment.  Judgment from others: either something to make themselves feel better about not losing or something to make themselves feel better about not having to.  The humiliation of people seeing you eat light or workout when obviously it isn't the norm.  But once the novelty wears off and you get a little more comfortable with the new life style, and you make peace with back slides and plateaus as well as victories, I guess you could find something to enjoy about the process.  For instance though I am still a good 25 pounds from my goal weight I have already discovered that with each size that is dropped, the clothes get cuter.  They really should make cuter clothes for all sizes, but they don't.  So there's that.  When I go to things that involve a lot of walking and standing I find it is much easier to handle.  I can do more longer.  On most days I can't tell too much difference, but two weekends in a row I went to a car show and then the Renaissance festival.  Both were better when I didn't need to carry close to 40 pounds extra.  I haven't had heartburn in months.  That's good.  People have started looking at me.  Not in a checking me out way, but just looking at me in the face.  I hadn't realized that was happening until people started looking again.  That was kind of startling actually.  Besides the weight thing, I have been doing an all over health scan and awakening.  I don't have results on doctor exams yet, but I realize that that could be very dangerous thing to ignore due to size.  I simply didn't want to be weighed at the doctor's office.  So no doctor.  Also I feel my marriage is better due to mental and emotional things I have been taking care of as well as I feel that my mind and spirit are in better shape.  That makes me feel happier and more at peace.

favorite childhood memory

When I was a kid we lived in an old farm house in rural Kansas.  It was heated with a Warm Morning stove.  The mornings were anything but warm.  A Warm Morning is a heating unit that was set up in the living room and heated about 5 feet away.  The rest of the house was freezing.  Mainly because it was a house of odd additions with the heating system at the time of the additions being a wood stove.  Most of the rooms had a small stove originally.  All of the wood stoves were gone when we were there.  This meant we were freezing most of the time.  It also meant we wanted to sit directly in front of the stove.  Which pissed my dad off, because then the rest of the house was even colder.  So anyway, my sister and I would sneak up in the night after every one had gone to bed and sit in front of the stove.  It was always so pretty to look at the flames behind the glass and be all snuggled up with our dog, Porky.  Even though I know they had to have been awake and normally he would have spanked us good for it, we almost never got caught sitting there.  It was always so nice to get warm, in the dark, with the fire.

Blessings

1. husband
2. kids- all of them
3. my kitties
4. dog too
5. That I knew and loved Tinkerbelle
6. my home
7. that the heat is finally over
8. watching the Royals
9. lots of grandparents for my kids
10. weight watchers is working
11. live in America
12. live in modern times
13. mind is opening

Thanks a lot

Three things that I appreciate about my current self: mind is opening, I am impressed with what I have been through, including myself in my own happiness.

Ways my body has served me:  have brought three babies into the world, fed them after they were born, able to stay awake for long periods of time, relatively healthy, still kicking after all of the self abuse I have given it, durable, built exactly how God intended it.

Physical likes:  boobs are good, now that I follow a moisturizing regiment my skin feels soft, short enough men find it cute, eyes, hands, feet.

Thank you God for building me how you wanted.  I may not have done the same, but then I wouldn't be me.  I am learning to like me.  I am kinda impressed with myself lately.  Maybe you know what you're doing after all! 

Weekend of Gratitude

More Gratitude.  Well, this was weekend was full of things to be thankful for.  Starting off, my Fall goal is to get up-to-date on all of my medical check-ups.  So I am in the process of doing all of that.  Seems to get rather involved when you don't do it often, if at all.  So, Saturday I did my labs.   I am thankful that that is on it's way to getting done.  I traveled (safely) to Olpe and watched my niece play in a volleyball tournament.  I am grateful I got to see that and visit with family members as well.  I am thankful that she won the two games that I saw and that no one was injured on any of the teams.  I am thankful that my youngest daughter was able to have her best friend come over Saturday night and that they had a good time.  We went to the Renaissance Fair in KC on Sunday.  I am thankful that it was a nice day, that it wasn't crazy crowded, and that we had a good time.  I am grateful that my husband did a minimal amount of complaining.  I am grateful that we got back a little early so that we could all rest and get a few things done around the house: laundry & mowing.  Normally I have a wellness/health plan each day that I make up the night before.  Since the weekend was so busy, I did a bundle.  I  had an agenda for the weekend and could do any of the items at anytime on the weekend.  I got quite a bit accomplished.  I am thankful for that as well.  I am grateful for the changing seasons.  The humming birds have all left and my spring flowers are barely there, but my mums are pretty and the weather is wonderful!  What a life!

Weird Stuff

What is the weird stuff I do when alone?  Well, I dance.  I dance a lot.  That's not really all that weird, I assume everyone does that, but I don't usually do it when people are around.  I look up strange things on the net.  Like, what is a druid?  My search history is a little off.  I sort my shirts.  I have sooo many T shirts.  I like to get them all out and sort them.  I talk to my cats.  I have 4.  I like to tell them stuff.  They are very sympathetic and never tell a soul.  I meditate.  Again not weird, but if you live in a rural area, it is.  That's pretty much it.  Anything else I do when alone, I can pretty much do when people are here.

In a Minute

What is the reasoning behind my blog name?  Well, I have many daughters and one of their favorite movies of all time, whether it is 1994 or 2008, is Cinderella.  I have seen that movie at least 5000 times.  I know it all by heart.  One of the scenes that really speaks to me is when the step-mother and step-sisters are telling Cinderella to do all of this stuff while she is getting breakfast, feeding animals, whatever and she goes "in a minute" all sing-songy like it is all no big deal.  I always felt like that was me.  "in a minute"  I'll get to it, while everyone has no idea what they are asking, nor do they care, they just want it.  Especially when they are little.  And that pretty much sums up my life from the time I was 22 to now. 

In this very room

What am I grateful for in this room?  Well, I am sitting at a computer on the internet.  I am very grateful for that.  I am next to a glass of clear, clean water.  In many parts of the world, including America, they do not have access, so I am grateful.  On the counter is a baby bottle with change in it for the Life Care Center and a mug with pop tabs in it.  I am grateful for the people in both of those organizations as well as the people who have been putting the change and tabs in there.  I see pictures of four of my kids and my husband.  I am thankful for all them in my life.  I have an AC going in the room.  Can you imagine being in a metal building at 95 degrees with no AC?  There are many more things in here, but I will leave it at that. 

The Big 9

There are nine Fruits of the Spirit:  love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  Now.  Which of these are natural for me?  I wouldn't say any are natural,  but I guess faithfulness is the easiest.  I am pretty faithful.  Even if I don't especially like you, I will be faithful if I feel you are being crapped on.  The rest of the nine are fairly non-existent.  Well, I love pretty well too.  OK, the 7 are non-existent.  I would like God to help me develop all 9, but if I had to pick one I would say self-control.  But then I would feel kinda bad, cuz that only benefits me really.  However, maybe someone should be concerned about my self-control.  If not me, than who? 

What will they think?

Two people who come to mind when I think "What will they think" would be my mother and mother-in-law.  They are two judges that make Simon look like a weak, little man.  They both love the idea of a better life, but neither has the life they feel they want.  Both of their lives are fine.  They have good lives; but they are not extremely luxurious either.  My mom has judged since day one and the in-law has judged since the day she found out her son was going to purpose.  I didn't know he was going to, but I could see that something had flipped in her views.  Both are too old to change, so that would leave it to me.  I don't especially care what others think, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about it either.  I do a lot of avoidance.  That should change.  I realize that stating they aren't being nice and that I don't want to be around them if they are going to talk that way means that they will probably avoid me.  I guess that doesn't change much for me does it? 

RMH

What organization am I grateful for?  I would have to say the Ronald McDonald House.  Hands down.  We have stayed there several times during the hardest times of my life and it is such a wonderful organization.  They let you stay the night for free.  Or the week, or the month, or more!  They have baskets for toiletries for times when you have no warning that your life is about to be turned upside down.  They provide food.  They even have other organizations or families come in and serve hot food for suppers.  They also have Ronald McDonald rooms at the Children's Hospital for naps and hot lunches.  You can stay the night there as well if you are real hard up.  They also provide a laundry room complete with soap.  They have rooms in the houses for siblings to play or occupy their time.  This is an amazing organization.  We always save tabs and encourage our community to save tabs as well.  We donate money and toiletries.  Whatever.  These people are a God send and I will be eternally in their debt.  I can't say enough about the Ronald McDonald House.

Drew and Sean

What is an artist, author, or musician that I am grateful for?  For as long as I can remember Drew Barrymore and Sean Astin have been famous.  They are both about my age and they both have never really lost their famousness so they have always been there.  I have seen most of their movies or shows.  Not so much because they were in them, but because the movie sounded like something I would like.  They usually play dorks.  Not always, but usually.  Even when they don't, you can always kinda see the dork lurking behind the makeup.  It seems more like they are family than actors.  I am aware they are actors and that I don't actually know them at all.  But when someone is always there, be it in real life or on a screen, you start to count on them to always be there.  Like family.  So, I guess you could say I am grateful for these two lovely people.  Because to me, they are a couple of better-looking-than-average nerds that will be visiting as soon as they get off work. 

Anger Management

One by one my devotionals are pointing out anger.  And you shouldn't deny coincidences.  Anger is an issue.  Always has been.  It is a family tradition.  It is nothing to throw a glass across the room.  Abuse runs rampid.  When visiting my father recently he became angry over something I had said as a teen.  Twenty-five years ago.  He became angrier as he remembered.  I became angry because he was angry at me.  Then it occurred to me.... this was 25 years ago.  What the hell, man?  Talk about something else.  Anything else.  If we are going to be angry, lets me angry about something relevant.  Stop thinking about the past.  Stop predicting the future.  I don't want to be angry anymore.  I want to be at peace. 
This is something that wouldn't have occurred to me a year ago.  I would have had a fit, taken it out on someone, eaten something with lots of cheese and been pissed for a couple of days.  I didn't do any of that this time.  I am coming along!

Ganshert newest review

"No One Ever Asked" by Katie Ganshert is an amazing book.  The novel has three main characters: Camile, the top dog of moms at Crystal Ridge; Jen, a new white mother of adopted Jubilee, who is trying to come to grips with becoming a mother of an orphan; and Anaya, a new, black teacher in the Crystal Ridge school district.  When the neighboring school district loses it's accreditation, students have the right to go to neighboring Crystal Ridge.  The true problems lie with Crystal Ridge being an upper crust white district and the other is not. 
Ganshert dissects racism in Crystal Ridge, whether the residents realize it or not.  Most racism is an underlying discrimination that goes mostly unnoticed by the inflicting party. Much of it is obvious to everyone.  Ganshert peels back the layers and exposes them to the reader.  This book is very well done and I highly recommend it.  I received this book in exchange for an honest review from Waterbrook Publishing.

AAAHH, the Mistakes I've Made.

We've all made mistakes.  Some of them have been doozies. They say that what people regret the most is what they didn't do.  My grandpa is in the nursing home and one of his regrets is that he didn't go to Mount Rushmore.  Now, why didn't he go?  His wife and kids did.  He could have gone at any time.  He didn't.  I guess he thought there was always time.  There isn't.  I follow a woman on Facebook, Nourish You Sisterhood. She has "words" of the year.  This year my word is "health".  It was a mistake on my part to not take care of myself.  Now in some parts of my life, I was doing good just to keep going, let alone be healthy.  But some parts I was just lazy.  Next year my word will be "adventure".  I don't want to be sitting in a nursing home with feet and hands that no longer work and know that I can't go see "the mountain with the heads on it."  It is one of the saddest things I can think of.  Next year I am taking my new sized butt and taking a few trips.  Usually we drive, cuz: one- it's cheaper, and two- I am deathly afraid of being kicked off of a plane.  That means trips are either kinda boring, since I live in the Midwest; or long.  I want to be able to fly to New York in three hours rather than take 2 days to drive there.  I want to go on hikes in the desert or mountains and not be totally exhausted.  I want to take my journey on the road.  My other mistakes are pretty much, "eh, shouldn'ta done that." Run ins with the law, failed marriages, running my mouth when I shouldn't have.  But the failure to take care of myself could cost me my life.  And I can't brush that off.

Three Things I take for Granted

List three things I take for granted........ I take living in America for granted.  Do you have any idea how lucky I am?  We have people burning their Nike's for crying out loud!  There are parts of the world where they would loooove to have some clothes, let alone Nike's.  It is a country where a man can kneel at the flag in protest of something he has every reason in the world to be pissed about and he cannot be arrested.  Hated, yes.  But punished, no.  Is he still struggling, you betcha.  But he can go on and spread his message. 
I take being a woman for granted.  Now, you might think, and correctly so, that being a woman would kind of suck.  Physically and socially it is no picnic.  But, it has it's perks.  For instance, I can pretty much get what I want from my husband by standing near him while he is sitting down.  The right set of mammary glands will go a long way.  And at my age, I am basically invisible.  Being 45 is practically a superpower. 
I take being a mom for granted.  Being a mom is hard work and it can be easy to forget how wonderful it is.  I have three wonderful kids and four amazing step-kids.  Each child is such a wonderful gift and I haven't appreciated how fabulous each one is.  There are women who struggle to have children, biological or not.  There are women whose children do not turn out as planned (I don't mean they are wrong, but are lost to world or suffering immensely themselves).  There are women who have buried their children.  Mine are all here.  Mine are all well.  They are not perfect nor are they what I would have planned, but they are doing what makes them happy.  And that is something I should never take for granted. 

Turn that Frown Upsidedown

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true,
whatever things are noble, whatever things are
just, whatever things are pure, whatever things
are lovely, whatever things are of good report,
if there is any virtue and if there is anything
praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:8


This is today's scripture for my detox and coincidentally it was last night's reading as well.  Aaaand, my gratitude journal wants me to write something positive that I normally think negatively about.  Weird, huh.  I have been following and reading many assorted things this year and one of them had me name my weight problem.  I named it Terry after the sergeant on Brooklyn 99.  Another had me name the negative voices in my head. ( I don't actually hear them, it's just thoughts)  I named it Critical Christy.  No reason other than the name was supposed to be cute and since I think critically and Christy goes well with critical, I went with it.  Now, I am not sure the reason for the naming stuff, other than to belittle it?  But name it I did.  The critical part is something that I could use some quieting of.  So going over this verse time and time again, is pretty useful.  I think the voice is my mother, but who knows.  Anyway.  Let's positive the crap outta this!

Unhealthy input

And do not be conformed to this
world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind, that you
may prove what is that good and
acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2


Today in my Soul Detox, I am supposed to replace unhealthy input.  With healthy of course.  Her example was Worship music versus secular.  I almost never listed to Worship.  A lot of it gets on my nerves.  She posted links to 7 different ones.  So I thought each day for 7 days I will try these.  One a day.  The first is "spontaneous worship."  It seems a little weird at first with all of the people rocking back and forth.  Like a trance really.  It's much better to listen to.  If you are new the the Upper Room scene, don't watch it.  Propaganda is one thing that is starting to catch my attention.  Regardless of the medium, it seems that propaganda to pull people one way or the other is startling.  Especially women.  I run across them so often, even my own daughters, where they are easily pulled in whatever direction.  Without question!  Without thought, or any kind of investigation whatsoever.  Now, I know plenty of men who do the same, but not as many as the women.  I do wish the media was more fact sharing and leaving the view finding to the listener.  But I suppose all information has to benefit someone.  Otherwise they wouldn't share it.

What is gratitude anyway?

Gratitude means that you are aware of what the person or things does for you and that you appreciate it.  I am aware that without a great many things my life would suck.  I am aware that the world is a better place with certain people in it.  I am aware that things can always get worse and I appreciate that it is not.  Gratitude means you know how lucky you got it.

Give Thanks

Most of the time I think of food as the enemy.  The thing I turn to when times are bad.  Therefore I associate it with bad things.  The results of too much are bad.  Again, associate it with bad stuff.  But maybe I should take a minute and give thanks for the very food that I have learned to have a love-hate relationship.  For instance, it keeps me alive.  Ask anyone in a starvation situation and they will tell you how wonderful food really is.  I have always had it.  I grew up poor on a farm.  But no matter how poor you are, farms are where the food is.  We tended to eat seasonally: lots of meat in the winter (my dad hunted as well) and lots of veggies and fruit in the summer.  All organic by the way.  I enjoy cooking.  I love to work up stuff and see how it turns out.  I like altering recipes to see if I can give it my personal touch.  I love the taste of melted cheese, milk chocolate, fried chicken, spaghetti. Thank God for food!

10 things I am grateful for

1. home
2. husband is hard working
3. grandparents 70th anniversary
4. internet
5. washing machine
6. daughter's recovering health
7. 35lb weight loss
8. mom, grandma, and aunt returned from Alaska safely
9. freedom of religion
10. rain

New things I have learned from Restart:  not worrying as much, letting God have it if I can't do anything about it anyway.  You can't do anything about it.  And if you can, make an action decision and do it.  If it works, it works.  If it doesn't, do something else.  Having several back up plans isn't necessary.  Not trusting God, judging others, and complaining puts myself in God's place.  A place a have no business being nor can I even begin to be effective.  None of it is of any use.  Do what I can, trust God.  That's it.

Keep Working it

He who has begun a good work in
you will complete it until the day of
Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6

Kinda glad this came up in my Soul Detox.  I am also doing a Soul Awakening.  The two usually coincide.  So anyway I needed to come up my goals and my why-power,  reasonings, and a due date.  My original goal was to lose 75 pounds in the first year and go to California on a plane to see my step-daughter.  Well, as it turns out 75 pounds is a very time consuming number.  And my husband wants to go during Spring Break.  Which is at about a year.  Not going to happen by then.  So I did some recalculating.  At my weight loss rate I can see losing another 25 my Spring Break.  That will be a shorter term goal and my total 75 goal is June 1.  On June first I am going to reward myself with a "walk about".  A journey if you will.  A road trip.  Go to quirky places I want to go to that no one else does.  God began the work with me and he will keep it going.  I just need to focus and set it all down. 

hmmmmm

Well, Ive got a couple of things to journal about today and yet nothing really comes to mind.  I feel like I am supposed to let some of the control go and give it to my husband.  But then on the other hand, I think that's a stupid idea.  It seems that the more he gets the worse he gets.  At first when I started the Respect the Husband Challenge, he responded like gang busters;  but now it seems without me controlling stuff, he's getting kinda stupid.  And arrogant.  But maybe that's a phase too.  Like the kindness and affectionate phase.  Maybe I should ride this one out too.  See what happens.  But I am NOT letting him throw my clothes away and buy new ones that he likes, like the challenge suggested.  Who would do something like that?

Let each one live the life which the
Lord has assigned him, and to
which God has called him...
1 Corinthians 7:17

Hope Jar Review

"The Hope Jar" is the newest Amish Fiction novel by Wanda Brunstetter.  In this novel, Michelle, a former foster kid, assumes the identity of Sarah, a woman whose mother has recently died.  Sarah discovers upon her mother's death that her mother had grown up Amish and reaches out to get to know her grandparents.  Before she can meet them physically, they assume Michelle is their granddaughter.  They take her home and she convinces them she is the real Sarah for months.  While there Michelle learns what having a family is really like and comes to love the grandparents.  Of course she has to lie repeatedly to do so.
Now, this book isn't very true to life, it's kind of a stretch, but fiction sometimes does that.  It is a nice easy way to pass the time and relax.  Amish fiction fans will really like this book.  I received this book from Barbour's Review Crew.  "I received a complimentary copy of this book from Barbour Publishing and was under no obligation to post a review."

Throw Out Unrealistic Expectations

So I made a list of things that are bad about me.  Things I don't like or that I have been told are bad.  And I thought about what kind of person would be the opposite of all of those things.  And my first thought was "what kinda freaky person is this?"  A person who is the opposite of all I find negative would be pretty obnoxious to be around.  The person would be perfect and perfect is dumb.  It's also kind of boring.  Now some of the things on my list are things I could and should do something about.  But to do all of them would be unrealistic.  I am not even sure it would be possible.  So I am going to hit the ones I can do something about.  I am going to change the ones that are not serving me well.  The rest (big nose, weirdness) is everyone else's problem.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for
you, for My strength is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather
boast in my infirmities, that the power of
Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Outside Gratitude

Open the door or window and write something I am grateful for that I see.  Well, I see the trash station.  Not the dump, but where the garbage trucks come and go from when they are done.  So, yeah, I am grateful that we live where we don't throw trash just anywhere.  I saw this documentary on India.  They would probably appreciate a trash station.  I see the UPS office.  Love the UPS!  Brings my crap I don't need that I bought online.  I see a quiet neighborhood.  Except for all the loud big trucks going by and occasional train, it's pretty quiet.  I see a gorgeous blue sky.  (cerulean blue)  I am grateful that it's not that hot out.  A crisp 93.  I am grateful for a great, many things.

Happy Days

Today I am to write about a happy memory.  My best most recent memory is probably when we went to Field of Dreams a couple of weeks ago.  As I've said, my husband is a major complainer when we are traveling.  So we are traveling to Burr Oak Iowa and then on to see the three Laura Ingalls Wilder houses on our list that we haven't seen.  He decides he wants to go with us, but we need to go to Antique Archeology.  So ok, we drive about an hour out of our way to go to this store.  (He hates antiques, btw.  But he loves TV.)  On the way from the shop to Burr Oak, is the Field of Dreams.  My husband is a big Kevin Costner fan.  I am a big baseball fan.  Sounded like a good idea.  He complained the whole time we were going.  Dirt road.  Too far.  No civilization.  Whatever.  We get there and find an endless baseball game going on.  People are joining in and out of this game.  We join in.  Somebody's grandma is kicking butt all over the field.  It so so much fun!  Of course we had to get pictures of us going into the corn field.  Then we took a tour of the house.  "(People will hand over $20 to look around.  Not sure why they are doing it.)"  Bought shirts.  It was soooo much fun for all three of us.  Even my daughter who couldn't have cared less about baseball or the movie had fun.  There was a little run off creek and she took off her shoes and played in that.  It was a really good day.

The Wonder of Nature

I've been doing this Soulwoman Boot camp thing.  Where these two sisters set up a 7 day boot camp to get women (men too, I guess)  to develop there Spirituality.  Today I am to journal.  The subject I picked that was suggested was the wonder of nature.  I grew up on a farm, so nature is kind of my world.  Farmers always say that to be in nature is to be with God.  God shows himself in nature everyday.  I believe that to be true.  You can see both his power and gentleness in nature constantly.  One of my favorite things to do to release stress is to sit on my porch with no devices or music and just be in the green.  I like to exercise outside whenever possible.  My daughter needs grounding in nature to survive.  She must have it.  I used to garden a lot, but my husband kept killing everything, so now I just have a few pots.  Nature is where all beauty truly is, be it a thunder storm, or the desert, or snow in the mountains, or even dried up grass in your yard on a hot July day- so hot you burn your feet on the grass. 

Dear Me

Dear Body:
We've had quiet the road you and I.  Born weighing in at 4 pounds.  Lungs not quiet there yet.  Decades of chronic ear infections.  Bronchitis episodes that were not treated.  Then puberty decided to rear it's head when you were in 3rd grade.  Bringing growth to a halt and things that I was not prepared for started to happen.  Of course that meant that we were opening up to a lifetime of weight struggle.  Actually, no.  You were fine until the PTSD set in.  I was told repeatedly that you were too fat and out of shape, but when I look at pictures I can see that you were not.  All that struggle for no reason other than to make the other person feel superior.  But when the baby was born with HLHS and didn't sleep for over three years things started to change.  There was a significant weight gain.  Mostly due to the lack of sleep and need for a lot of carbs and sugar filled caffeinated beverages.  Staying awake for years and dealing with a terminally ill child was extremely hard on you as it would be to anyone.  You brought not one, but three children into the world.  Each one with it's own medical issues.  Depression and anxiety ridden.  The world was not kind to you and the cards were stacked.  In February of this year we reached a line.  We are going to get our shit together.  It is time to set the extra weight, the trauma, the terror down.  I have read that the trauma weight will be the last to burn off.  And I am finding it to be true with you.  We will need to work together to get through the denied issues from years ago in order to let them rest.  We couldn't before because we were trying to keep both the baby and ourselves alive.  Now is the time.  Or we will not live much longer.  We should be happy.  We fought for this, we should enjoy this.  It's our time.  (Goooniees!!)

More Grateful

My journal challenges and other things to keep on track mention gratitude a lot.  It does kinda work.  I spend more time focusing on the positive.  Even though I am aware of the negative, I don't see it as much.  Something I am grateful for now that I didn't have a year ago is that a lot of the clothes I have didn't fit well if at all last year.  This year they fit or are roomy.  I am much more comfortable.  I am going to need to jean shop this fall.  I am kind of scared about that.  I have been shopping online for jeans for quite awhile now.  But since I don't know what size to get I will have to go to a store.  I don't really want to do that.  It sounds so depressing.  I keep saying I am going to wait on the weight before doing it; but I'm going to need to do that before I am finished losing.  Otherwise I am starting to look ridiculous as well as denim chaffs when it doesn't fit right and that's just as uncomfortable as being too tight.  Anyway!  Gratitude.  However I wind up obtaining these new duds, I will have some new ones.

Simple Pleasures

What is a simple pleasure that I am grateful for? 
I have a bracelet that I got in Mansfield, MO as a souvenir from the Laura Ingalls Wilder Home that says simple pleasures are what makes us the happiest.  One of my simple pleasures is baseball.  I used to love to play it and when we went to Field of Dreams in Iowa I found that it is still fun.  I love to watch it be it the Royals, the T-bones, the West Franklin Falcons or even the Olpe girls coach pitch.  I love the game.  It's therapeutic, it's enticing, it's exciting.  All at the same time.
Another one is reading.  I love to read whether it is a cheesy novel, a classic, or a historical text book.  I even like being around books.  Walking into a library makes the world make sense. 

Something I am looking forward to

What is something I am looking forward to?  Well, I just got back from a road trip to Minnesota.  We went to Antique Archeology, of American Pickers fame and we went to The Field of Dreams.  We went to three of the Laura Ingalls' Houses.  We saw the Jurassic Park movie.  Visited some B&Bs, did a little swimming, etc.  It was a nice time.  My husband complained, but he always complains on every trip.  He just likes to complain.  I used to feel bad about it until one year after complaining endlessly in South Dakota he came home and told his mother how much fun it was.  He wanted to go back.  He made it sound like he had had the best time!  He never stopped complaining once!  So now, I just ignore him and do what I want.  It does make planning hard when you aren't sure what he is enjoying and what he's not, but I guess he could shut the hell up!  Anyway, back to what I am looking forward to.  The whole trip I kept thinking about the next one.  I want to take a train to the Grand Canyon.  I think that sounds fun.  With a side trip to White Sands and Roswell.  I would love to go to Roswell.  That is what I am planning right now.  My goal weight reward is a plane ride to San Diego to see our daughter for a long weekend.  But I am not going to plan that until I reach the goal.  I don't know how long that will take.  I am half way there, but I think the second half will take longer than the first half. 

Perfect Body

If I could take a pill and get the perfect body for me what would it look like?  I would make myself a little taller.  Just a couple inches or so.  I am 5 ft 2.  I don't mind being short, but for convenience sake, I would like to be taller.  It would make reaching things easier as well as finding clothes.  But mostly I would make myself a more athletic looking self.  I don't especially want to be skinny, but I would like to look like I could run some miles if I had to.  I would like to be strong.  I would like to set down the trauma weight and walk away from it without ever thinking about it again.  I would like some muscle definition.  I would like to look healthy.  I would also like thicker hair.  Fine, thin hair sucks. 

aah, Food

How do I feel about food?  Well, I like it.  Duh.  I like preparing it.  I like buying it.  I like planning meals.  I like getting food spur of the moment.  I like how it tastes.  I like how it makes me feel full when I am done.  Being hungry makes me nervous.  I like trying new recipes.  I even like growing and preserving it.  It is a wonderful thing. 
Now.  How do I wish I felt about food?  Since food hasn't done me any favors other than staying alive, I wish I could take it or leave it.  I wish it meant nothing to me.  I wish I were the type of person who forgot to eat.  I think it is a cruel joke to have someone love something they can never truly enjoy having.  It's mean, really.  But those are the cards that are dealt, I guess. 

Creating Space

What can I do to create some space for self-love?  Well, I am going to have to fight for it for one.  When someone has been given special treatment for a long time, equality feels like discrimination.  I imagine that is what most men feel like lately. I know that's how they felt when I was growing up in the 70's and "Women's Lib" (ooo, scary!) came to be.  What will all the men do without a woman around to take off their shoes after they get done kicking her around?  For too long I gave my husband first dibs on just about everything because it was easier.  Kind of like buying the candy when the kid just won't shut up.  Well, now we've all got a bunch of spoiled brats.  Some are younger, some are older.  The behavior is about the same.  I am trying to learn and act on something new.  Still giving my husband love and respect; but also giving myself love and respect. If the mama lion don't eat, nobody does!

What is hard to accept?

What am I having a hard time accepting?  Usually I am pretty good at accepting things.  I would guess good things are hard to accept.  It usually seems that when something good happens that is when something bad decides to come out of nowhere and knock you on your butt. 

How are you?

How am I feeling right now?  Well, I was a little disappointed that my weight wasn't going as planned, but then a family member laid a whopper of a plan to me and now I am nervous and bewildered.  Seems he is going to go to an extremely dangerous place and do dangerous activities leaving behind all of his plans and achievements.  Now, the details of my weight seem a bit trivial and I am fearing for his sanity at best, his life shortly.  Just read a devotional that said not to worry because I don't know everything and can only see things from my point of view.  At first I thought it was talking about my relative, but then it occurred to me that it was me that was being talked to.  This is not my plan it is God's and the man must deal with Him and not me.  I just need to be there for him when the outcome is here.  AAAAHHHHHH!

Me

What do I think about me?  If I met me I would probably think I was responsible, quiet, have a temper, a little boring, controlling, and plain.  From the inside, I would say I am funny, insecure, smart, have a temper, impatient, think too much but not about the right things, and trying to find myself.  This summer I have been discovering things about myself and the world around me.  I have found that I am not always anything.  I change and so does everyone else.  I am trying to stop judging unless it is for safety reasons.  Sometimes you gotta judge.  Sometimes everything.  I am trying to know better so I can do better.

Rachel Ray

If I could have any celebrity chef (cook) make dinner for me it would probably be Rachel Ray.  And I would have her make me a sammy.  Not only does her food usually turn out delicious when made by me, but imagine how good it would be if made by her.  I also like how she talks and how she's so no nonsense about it.  She just does it.  There ya are, eat it.  Her food is usually pretty healthy.  It's always got some oil somewhere.  And I wouldn't feel like I needed to impress her or make her think I liked it if I didn't, she wouldn't care.  She'd be all fine about it.  And then we'd go to a movie and laugh real loud.

What's in the Bag?

List 10 things that are in my bag:
wallet
coin purse
checkbook
equate acetaminophen
2 Football cards
ear buds
floss
tums
2 free coupons for ice cream at McDonalds
lip balm

Sounds kinda like a medicine cabinet.

Improve my health

What is the one thing I could do to improve my health?  Well I just got back from a road trip.  We went around Iowa and into Wisconsin and across Minnesota.  My husband usually picks the places to eat and we tended to eat fast food.  There is only so much grilled chicken sandwiches one can eat.  Anyway, so today I am getting my shit together.  Started a fast as soon as a got home.  Only liquids.  Then I will eat only 0 point foods for 24 hours.  I feel like  I need to reset things.  Get them going back in the direction I want them to go.  Tonight I will take a walk and do a post-vacation yoga program.  I think that will help.  I also plan to re-enroll in Weight Watchers.  Six months didn't cut it.  I think I need another 6.  I also plan to call the doctor soon and do a well-woman check up.  Who knows what kind of things he's going to find. 

Christmas

What is one thing I can do to prepare for Christmas today?  Today is August 5.  I haven't given Christmas a thought.  I guess I could do a list of people I need to start thinking of this Christmas.  Going to have a grandbaby this year.  Maybe.  Due on the 26th.  Probably need to start thinking of that this year. 

Top Priority

What is the one thing I can do to improve my number one priority?  Well, number one is health.  My worst problem is eating too much.   I am still eating a lot of the points.  More than I should.  Stress has been getting to me.  Maybe pick up on stress relieving activities and laying it all to God?  That's what the me would tell me.  Now, that it easier said than done.  I am taking the next three days off of work.  That will probably help.  My husband is too; if he is less stressed, we are all less stressed.  I will visit this idea again in a week and see if taking some time off helps.

Top Three

What are the top three priorities in my life right now?  Well, currently, I would say it is my health.  I've been working on several different aspects of my health and it is very important to me.  During this journey it has become clear that my health only matters to me.  It is a bit disappointing that I seem to be the only one that cares; but I guess it's time I did.  At least someone should.  The second would be my children.  My youngest has had a really rough summer with injuries, surgeries, and depression.  Keeping her going has been a very trying time.  Third I would say work. It is how we make our living, but it has become apparent that my husband needs me more.  He hasn't been doing well with my attention placed on other things than him. I need to give him more, I guess.  I just don't really want to.  I feel he's had enough.  He disagrees. 

Prayer Life

What is one thing I need to do to improve my Prayer Life?  Honestly, it is to remember to do it.  I do challenges a lot and prayer before eating comes up a lot.  I forget almost every time.  Prayer first thing in the morning also comes up.  Forget to do that too.  Seems I can't remember unless there is something major going on.  Which is probably why there is always something major going on.  I need to set up something that will remind me.  I pray when it is included in my readings and devotions.  You would think that would remind me to have a conversation; but no.  That is the one thing I need to do.

Delegation

Where in my life do I need to delegate more?  That would be housework.  I live with a husband, a 22 year old daughter and a 13 year old daughter.  I should not be doing all that I am doing.  I have been reading Faith, Fitness, and something; I can't remember.  Anyway, it said I need to give my teens more responsibility and decision making.  I have started doing a lot more of that.  The 22 year old should be doing some shopping and more decision making.  I have been having her do that.  She still isn't thinking of it on her own, but I think that will come with time. I've also been giving her some cooking duties.  I enjoy cooking, so it's not that I want her to take over, but I have her doing some marinating and side dishes.  The 13 year old has been getting more such as deciding and doing her own laundry.  She also has been deciding things for meals such as type of fruit or whatever.  These are small things, but decisions I have been making and it would be good if they did some of that.  More than just the chores I leave for one or the other to do daily and their own stuff.  I deserve a break today!

The Loop

What is going to attempt to throw me for a loop this month?  Well that's easy.  Vacation.  Four days of traveling, B&Bs, gas stations, fast food, my worst nightmare!!!!!  I want to go badly, need to go.  I am on a light cleanse right now to prepare (get ahead of the game?) and plan to go on a major one when we get back.  But those 4 days are going to be doozies.  i went to Abilene, Ks on a weekend during Spring Break and I don't think I came close to keeping within my points.  And I was very careful.  Stayed with water, tea, and diet soda for drinks.  Tried to stay in the realm of poultry and fish for entrees.  But man, being on the road is murder for the ol' point system.  That cleanse when I get back is going to be severe!

Kinder, Gentler, me

What is one thing I could do today that would make a quieter and gentler me?  Well, I would need plenty of time alone.  When I get busy and stressed, when people keep demanding from me is when I get mean and loud.  I tend to be quiet when I get some quiet.  I can be gentle when I have time to step away from the demands.  My job, however, is taking calls from people whose ACs are broken and placing a technician to see them.  Which means I get all of the hot and mad people calling me and if things don't work out perfectly, they call again.  Hotter and Madder.  It can be a pretty stressful job.  Luckily, it has been cool (low 90s) lately.  But, the other office woman is on vacation and it is Monday.  So today might be a doozy.  I plan to meditate now and at lunch take a walk around the block.  I also plan to eat outside, away from the phone.  These little breaks should, hopefully, keep me calm.