Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Maybe I better look at my Why again

So my Why.  I did the "why" questions earlier and the point of the why was that I wanted to live to see my child grow up.  I have been to doctors and had scans to update my medical health and other than the cholesterol is a little high, I am going to live.  So now I still hope to lose the total of 75 pounds with 35 to go.  Lately I keep gaining and losing the same 2-3 pounds for the last 2 months.  So I need to re-evaluate my "why." 
Why do I want to lose 35 pounds?
Because it will be healthier and I will look better.
Why do you want to be healthier and look better?
Because though I am not at risk for dying, I want to live well.  I want to be more in shape.
Why do you want to be more in shape?
Because there are a lot of things I want to do and I don't want to be embarrassed or unable to do them.
Why do you want to do them?
Because I want to experience life and enjoy it.
Why do you want to experience life?
Because I see regrets in my grandparents and I don't want to be alone with them when I am older.  I not only want to live, but to live well.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

dream goal

My comfortable goal is to "be healthy".  I have several goals that are attached to that.  One being to get all medical health check-ups updated and deal with results.  Check.  All that is left is eye doctor and I am due for that in December.  That was to be done by the New Year.  Second is lose 75 pounds in one year.  I have lost almost 40 in 7 months.  Scheduled due date has been moved to June 1.  I may have overestimated that one.  Another is to connect more with my husband, become closer to my God, overcome PTSD and anxiety and all the while actually learn to enjoy life and be happy.  Those are more vague goals.  Not really sure how to measure enjoyment.  Anyway, one thing I would like to do is run the 5K (they do two heart runs in KC).  They are both in June.  I would like to be able to run one of them.  Now, anyone who is 45 and had three kids knows that running is usually not a good idea (think wet pants) but I would like to be able to.  I need to loose the weight by the goal date and then really step up the fitness routine.  I will think more on that later.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Day Three

1. Galatians 1:11-24 is Paul's story.
2. That man who once persecuted us is now preaching the very message he used to try to destroy.  Their response was to recognize and worship God because of me.

Tomorrow I am supposed to take an eating disorder test, but I already took it on day one.  The test was pretty astonished at my results.  It appears I touch on just about all of them.  I don't have night time eating.  I also don't have bulimia.  Anymore.  I didn't think I had anorexia, but apparently the thing I do where I try to make up for bingeing is a type of anorexia.  I would say I am mostly a emotional binge eater.  I didn't have control over anything growing up.  My dad has OCD and he pretty much controlled everything.  So when I grew up, I wanted to take my control and in turn, did the same thing.  Except eating.  It was something I was always free at.  Except not really.  What I was considering freedom was more control over me.  I need to let the release the grip of a lot of the rest of my life and control the eating.  Hmmm, yeah, I should do that.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Arms of Mercy review

Ruth Reid strayed a little from her supernatural Amish Fiction, but has found her way back in her newest, "Arms of Mercy."  In her latest novel, Catherine finds herself between two men, Elijah, her ex who ran off and married another, and Zach, her man for years who doesn't seem to want to tie the knot.  Personally I don't know why this was a choice.  I would have dumped them both.  Which she kinda does.  She decides to go to Florida to work in a bakery, when Elijah (now widowed) gets on board the bus for a little long distance stalking.  While on their way, the bus wrecks, the two are separated and Catherine has amnesia.  While separated in a foreign land (Ohio), the learn to know themselves and do a little reevaluating.
This is a pretty good book.  I like Reid.  Thought the ending was predicted, the middle was certainly unpredictable.  I received this book in exchange for an honest review from 


1. permanent memorial to for the People of Israel.
2. The flow of the Jordan was stopped in it's tracks.

Born to teenage parents in a small town in Kansas.  About three years later moved to a farm house owned by my grandfather.  Wonderful home to grow up in.  Grew  up a an extremely strict environment which left me unable to make decisions.  Went to college and became a prime target for the much more experienced.  God looked out for me then.  No lasting effects.  Married poorly in early twenties and had two children.  Divorced while pregnant with the second.  Husband completely abandoned all financial responsibility.  God looked out for me then.  Though was in poverty, maintained all means of reasonable life.  Married again and had terminally ill child.  God looked out for me then.  Child miraculously lived and is healthy though still has illness.  Though I have made some terrible decisions and have not done all that I knew was right, God has been there to shield me when needed. 

Thursday, October 11, 2018

negative to a positive

Today I came to work and the phones were going crazy.  Which is good; we like business.  This was almost more than we could even answer, but we were doing well.  A meeting had been scheduled and clearly we were going to be too busy to handle a meeting, not to mention that the meeting had been had to no avail several times before.  The other person had come without all of the necessary information.  So I called to reschedule.  He was upset.  At the time I was listening to him chastise me, the school called for me to come get my sick kid.  I almost snapped.  It turned out being pushed to the edge by controlling men was a positive.  I "had" to leave the office to get her, giving me time to cool down.  I rescheduled, like it or not, proving that the limits needed to be set and doing things well was more important that making a man happy.  The time was freed up to take care of customers that were needing help.  When looked at in another point of view, things aren't nearly as trying as they first appeared. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

The only we thing we have to fear.....

My fears:
riding on a plane
getting kicked off of a roller coaster
water (drowning)
dropping suddenly
losing my husband to someone else
my child dying
my mil moving in with me

I would say other than the first two my fears are pretty founded.  They are things to be warned of and to take into account of.  They are not things that won't happen, they are things that quiet honestly could or will happen.  The first two are more of ego thing.  I don't want the humiliation.  This spring break I will be facing both of them.  I do not look forward to either.  My goal is to lose another 20 pounds by March to ensure that the humiliation part does not occur.  Though it still might.  I feel sick.