Friday, April 15, 2011

got hope?

just came back from iowa last night.  that is one long, boring trip.  if you are thinking of going and don't have a medical issue that needs to be solved at Iowa University, skip the trip.  On the other hand, if you know a little girl who is 8 and has basilar invagination then by all means, see the country.  We went originally to sit with the family during her 12 hour surgery, but God intervened and she was finished when we got there almost 5 hours early.  That makes everything, surgery and recovery so much better.  Like her dad says, "thank you Good Sir Above".  Medically she is doing great, but trauma and anxiety levels are through the roof.  Trauma is a very powerful thing.  It can change everything. 
I was a little apprehensive about going at first.  Everytime I read her (mom's) blog I have flashbacks.  Sometimes they are flashes, sometimes they almost knock me down.  At 7:15 when she was due for surgery, I thought "now she is handing over her child".  It still almost kills me.  I can not only remember handing over mine (three times) I can feel it.  I am scared, terrified actually.  That is the worst thing anyone can ever do.  Hand over that child knowing they are more than likely going to die.  Luckily both kids beat the statistics, but I didn't know that at the time.  I felt sick after leaving the hospital the day of the Iowa girl's surgery.  I couldn't seem to shake it.  Next day was much better.  For me anyway.  Iowa girl is still in pain and still has a long road. Her parents.  Long road too.  I wish I could say that my personal hospital traumas made me stronger and better, but not really.  I am broken.  One little flash of memory and I am a mess.   I think the Iowa trip actually did me good.  I can read the updates and feel comfortable.  I mean, I certainly wish she wasn't in pain, I wish her neck had magically healed itself, I wish a lot of things, but I think of it as her and not me.  Which is where my attention should be.  On HER healing.  Because she is the one who needs it.  I can pray for her with all that I have with nothing else in my mind. 

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