Thankful Day

 10 Big things I am thankful for.

1. That even though I canceled thanksgiving, no one had a fit.

2. That I live in a country that has elections.

3.  That I had enough money to donate to charities for Giving Tuesday

4.  That I have not gotten COVID.

5.  That I was able to buy toilet paper yesterday

6.  That the weather is still nice.

7.  That I lost 1.5lb last week instead of gaining.

8.  That I am free 

9. That Charlie Brown is on PBS

10.  That my husband recovered.

Grateful Day 2

 Dear Beckie: I am thankful for you.  You are courageous.  You are unique.  you are amazing.  You are worth it.  I am grateful I am: smart, funny ( I think I am), and confidant.  

Acknowledgment

 Three things I have accomplished lately:

1.  kept off 20 pounds

2.  finished book room

3.  

Three things I love about me:

1. I think I'm funny

2. smart

3. nice rack

Peace in the year 2020

 So my word of the year is Peace.  God has a sense of humor.  At first I thought having peace during a mandatory shut down would be easy.  A blessing!  I underestimated living with extroverts with a high sense of drama in a pandemic.  Then when things started to lighten up the world decided we needed to worry about racism, rioting, politics, really strange weather, a depression, money and just about anything a reporter can think of.  All things that need attention.  Just not all at once.  My granddaughter had an illness that was never really diagnosed and stopped breathing.  She was put on a respirator and was in ICU for several days.  Peace has been hard to come by.  I have had to dig down deep.  I have had to restrict my internet and news time.  I have needed to demand space from my husband and daughter (the extroverts I was talking about).  Mediation.  Continued exercise.  Reading.  aaauuuhh!   

2020

 What has happened to me in 2020?  Well, personally, not a lot.  The big COVID this didn't effect me much personally.  My job kept going.  The biggest part was I did homeschooling in the spring.  Which was actually kinda fun.  The silver lining would be that I didn't have to go anywhere for a while.  I have learned about myself and others?  Myself: I would like more down time.  I feel like I missed out on a perfectly good shut down.  Others: Americans don't handle change well.  Especially the people I live with.  Most proud of: Well, I don't know.  I haven't done anything especially prideful.  

Autumn Leaves

 If leaves change color and fall to signal the end of the year, what "grand finale" would I like to see in myself that is similar?  I would love to put down the weight.  To let it fall.  I don't want to carry it around any more.  It is heavy and I am tired.  I don't want it anymore.  I want it to fall and to have a time of down.  Then blossoms.  Any color.  Just blossom.  

Emotional Eating in Crisis

 During stressful times I will emotional eat.  I eat to relieve the pressure, to relax, and to liven things up.  There isn't much that food can't fix.  Emotionally.  Outside of the emotions and keeping me alive it doesn't fix much else.  Texture tends to be important.  Crunchy during need for relaxing, sweets and soft during need to destress and savory during boredom.  

1. Pause: Think am I actually hungry?  

2. Say the Lord's Prayer

3. Try a distraction.  Try a small portion.  NEVER keep anything good in the house that isn't in a small portion.  

Priorities in Crisis

 Right now I am dealing with some family issues.  I have lost both grandparents this year as well as another has been put in a nursing home.  No one can see him because of COVID.  We have to look through the window.  I send him a post card every week.  With cats on them.  He likes cats.  My granddaughter has kidney issues (she is one) and has been in the hospital with a ventilator due to a reaction to her vaccines for the last couple of days.  I don't actually have a problem, just about everyone I know does.  So I worry about them.  

Personal Action Plan:  Try to weed out the narcissism.  How I feel about something doesn't change the outcome.  So I can't doom myself by being happy.  How much I eat doesn't effect the problem.  I can't make it better.  I can't make it worse.  I need to take care of me first.  Like a mama lion.  Then prioritize what is real and what is drama.  

Faith During the Storm worksheet

 I can stop worrying about every little thing.  When I eat what probably isn't "good" just enjoy it and then eat healthier next time.  Listen to music, relax, go outside.  

I am so worried about my granddaughter and her health.  I am worried about her parents.  I am worried that all this health stuff is pointless and it won't matter anyway.  

You of little faith, why are you afraid?

I can guard my heart by controlling my thoughts.  Not allowing outside influences (mostly media) to dictate what is true.  

Fear, disappointment, gratitude, relief.  Zoning out, not fulling believing. overeating, eating badly, TV watching.

Just plain old feel bad.  I don't want to feel bad.

Nervous stomach feeling.  Realize that my feeling don't change anything outside of myself.  A bit narcisstic.  (the real term, not popculteral).  

The Last Sovereigns Review

 The Last Sovereigns by Robert M Utley is a historical book about the days of Sitting Bull during the time of avoiding surrender and living in Canada.  Sitting Bull is more famous for the Custer event and I hadn't known too much about the Canada years.  During this time, Sitting Bull avoided capture when other American Indians (I will use the Indian term in this review as that is the term Sitting Bull used) were surrendering so that they would no longer have to starve.  The Indians had been pushed farther north into Canada to leave room for white settlers.  Each time more land was wanted, the Indians were simply moved again. Canada didn't have enough buffalo to go around for all of the Canadians and Americans as well.  The Canadian government also could not afford to feed both sets of Indians.  American whites were not known for kindness or trustworthiness, therefore Indians wouldn't volunteer to go to reservations unless it was absolutely necessary.

The beginning of this book reads like a list of facts and took a little while to get flowing.  I considered stopping.  However, I kept going and about a quarter of the way through it picked up and started to flow in a captivating way.  I learned a lot about the relations between the two governments and the two races.  I admit I was a little disappointed in my race.  Not a nice look.  I felt horribly sorry for all of the family members of Sitting Bull that got caught up in the battle of the male egos that were fighting each other.  One thing I have noticed in my various readings about struggle and notorious events is that the male ego is not usually very helpful.  It can cause a lot of damage.  As you can see here,  males everywhere and the women and children were starving.  

Meditation Journal

 1.  I was inspired to take the course mostly because it was free and I try to meditate daily.

2. My sleep was fine.

3.  I am on no medications

4. I eat or get angry during stressful situations.  Cussing is common.

5.  I drink rarely.

6.  New ideas for mediation.

What gets in the way?

What tends to get in the way of continuing in God's word?  Probably business.  Or rather unmindfulness.  I just don't think about it unless I make myself.  I forget.  I get selfish.  Nosy.  Lazy.  There are lots of reasons and none of them good.  I have set up a routine where I pray at least 2 minutes each morning as well as devotionals.  I also have  things I am grateful for each night before bed.  This seems to help but when I write it out it seems so small. 
What are some changes that I can do to bring alignment into God's will for my life?
Well, I can stop focusing on things that don't bring me peace.  Only weigh myself once a week.  Eat according to points and don't worry about it.  Stop worrying in general.  Get more sleep and more time outside away from electronic devices.  Sometimes I hate electronic devices.  Says the woman typing on one now. 

Social Media

This weekend I am going without social media.  I have "put to sleep" some people that just seem to post and post and post and they are so charged and angry and forceful that I needed to get them gone.  I feel at ease almost immediately.  So now I am going to do the whole thing all weekend.  I'll let you know on Monday how it goes.

Press Pause

What are some places or situations in which God is asking me to press pause and give myself a minute to consider how my actions might affect others?    Normally I work out every day.  I have been trying and failing to loose weight for awhile now.  The other day I put out my back (neck and arms) while washing my hair.  Yes, washing my hair.  It has stopped all work outs and a great deal of movement all together; including driving.  The pause button has been pressed.  It's a bit of a relief.  I am not too sure how it affects others, but it has affected me.  I need down time whether I think I do or not. 

Supernatural

As many of you know, Supernatural is coming to an end this season.  In homage to that fact, Lynn S Zubernis has brought together a collection of essays written by various actors, associates, and fans.  "There'll be Peace When You Are Done" is a nod to the unofficial theme song by Kansas, "Carry on my Wayward Son" and the title to the collection.  A collection of essays was written before, "Family Don't End with Blood" and this one may be a little better in some ways.  Some of the writers are Jensen Ackles and fangirl extraordinaire, Alana King.  Some essays are better than others. Most writings are farewell messages to the show, which has been on TV for 15 years and has interwoven itself into the fabric of American culture.  It deserves a farewell tour.   I would recommend this book for any Supernatural fan.  But not the so-so watcher. I received this book from netgalley. 

Day 2

Dear Beckie,
You are beautiful.  You are courageous.  You are unique.  You are amazing.  Your are worth it.  You are a Boss.  I love and respect myself, all of my needs are met. 

I love me day 1

Grateful:
1. Home from work
2. 4th of July was safe and happy
3. smoked turkey in fridge
4. I am Saved
5. washing machine

Shift Affirmations:
I will stay on Points.
I will relax when I get home from work
I refuse to worry.
I am not afraid
I will drink 50+ oz of water a day.

I am too Busy

This morning I said "I love you" to myself in the mirror.  What did I feel?  Well, I immediately started critiquing myself.  So I said it fairly quickly and got out of there.  Especially since I was supposed to be boosting my sexy vibes.  A physical feature I love is probably my boobs.  They are worth a lot.  The inside feature would be intelligence.  I think I'm pretty smart. 

Alone time

What is one way I can begin cultivating solitude?  I can get up earlier or spend time in my book room.  I relish getting up early on weekends to spend time alone before anyone else gets up. 
What are the top one or two obstacles I need to overcome practice times?  Well, going to bed earlier so I get enough sleep and can still get up early.  No one goes to bed regular anymore with this covid thing so staying up late is no longer an option.  Sometimes I am just plan tired.

Give Thanks

Livelihood:
I am thankful for my job, because I can somewhat make my own hours and I can work with my children sometimes.

Body: I am thankful that I am healthy regardless of my weight.

Creativity:  I am thankful that my book room is finished and that I have somewhere to go.

Relationship:  I am thankful for my husband because he is a hard worker that provides well.

Spirituality:  I am thankful that Jesus died on the cross because as often as I screw up I would be doomed without him.

Tempestuous Eden review

I have read several of Heather Graham's novels, mostly mystery, but this is her first romance that I have read.  "Tempestuous Eden" is a romance involving international diplomacy, missions, US government, etc.  Blair is a powerful government official's daughter who is in Central America feeding the hungry when her father arranges for her to be abducted for her safety.  Unfortunately he doesn't bother to tell her this.  He sends Craig to kidnap her and hold her for 10 days until the all clear comes through.  Of course they get on each others nerves ( as one does when involved in a kidnapping) but can't seem to fight off the attraction either.  I am not normally a romance reader, so I don't "love" them.  This one seems pretty standard for the genre.  It is good as far as romance goes.  If romance is your genre of choice, this is one I would pick.  There is sex.  Not, like, porn, but you get it. 

A little Time

Gratitude list:
 one is about me, one is in the future, 5 are about today, 5 are general.

1. Country is opening back up
2. Memorial Weekend was nice
3. Viola got a nice ring
4. Spent time with my grandaughters
5. Husband got some rest

1. Hostile customer is gone
2. a little time alone
3. workout was done in morning
4. accounts balace
5. cooler weather

1. I kept my cool with jerk

1. I am grateful I have lost weight (future)

Gratitude list

I am doing a Gratitude Challenge.  Today I am supposed to come up with 5 things I am grateful for and thank God for them.  You can do the challenge here:  https://emilyflorence.lpages.co/savvy-miss-gratitude-challenge/?inf_contact_key=f27ece92d1279b4a3120aec08cda2007680f8914173f9191b1c0223e68310bb1

 1. personal growth
2. Eva
3. Izzy
4. Grown children finding their way
5. Avoiding COVID
6 love of a good man
7. peace and quiet.  Much needed.

Waterkeeper Review

"The Water Keeper" by Charles Martin is a novel about an author serves as a rescuer of the Human Slave Trafficking for the governor.  His cover is a serving as a priest.  The story follows Murph as he tries to bring home Angel, a girl tring to lead the wild life and quickly finds herself in over her head. 
The book is the first in a new series by Martin, but it reads like you have joined in the middle of a series.  It leaves the reader kind of confused, but pulls it all together in the end.  It is a Christian novel, but not too preachy.  Keeps things on a n emotional level.  It was worth the read and I will probably give the next in the series a try.  "I received a complimentary copy of this book. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own."

cuz the preacher told me to

My church has not been meeting due to the state of Kansas being shut down.  Instead our preacher has been doing some videos on Facebook.  Some of his videos are a couple of minutes, just a magic trick or something(he's a professional clown).  Usually on Sundays he does one a little longer with a message and visuals.  This Sunday he said something about how we don't write when we meet together in church, we just talk, or sing, or hug or give.  He said we should write in a journal.  This is kinda like a journal.  Here goes.
Since the shut down has started I have probably been "going" to church more now than I ever did.  Before I went to my local church on Sundays.  I read a devotional and Upper room every morning or so.  That's about it.  Since then I have severely upped my religious game.  I now virtually attend a neighboring town's worship service that meets live on FB.  I also watch the videos from my own pastor.  I watch another church that is much larger in Texas on occasion.  I still do the morning devotionals, but also do a couple of scripture readings when I get to work as well.  I DVR Joyce Meyer everyday.  I can't help but feel like all of this down time is for our own good.  That we were getting out of hand, so God pulled the proverbial plug and is now counting to 30.  The typical reset to anything that has frozen up and won't respond.  Not that God plans pandemics, but you know.  silver linings and all.  I don't miss most of the usual extras.  The meetings, the games, the whatever.  I miss sports on TV.  I miss family get-togethers.  The rest can stay gone. 

Hold me Back

What holds me back from fully embracing God's love?  Well.  I guess it is the belief that I am not worthy.  That would probably be it.  I don't feel I am important or that I have done anything to deserve it.  Which, I guess no one has.  I should allow myself to feel it.  Allow it to come through.  There is no reason not to.  It's not like I can fool him.

Hope

We are all enduring something.  What has God already shown you while you wait?  He is showing me that I was doing too much and not paying enough attention to Him.  Since the world went into quarantine, I have started doing devotions and religious readings throughout the day.  I watch daily "speaks" through a local church and a Christian health influencer on Facebook.  I read the Bible more.  On Sundays I not only watch my own church's, but also a couple of others' services.  My connection to God has grown greatly since my connection to others has been set aside.  I think the whole world is going through similar changes.  I feel like God has pulled the cord and is counting to thirty. 

Overcommitment

"What are you over committing yourself that isn't serving you anymore?"  I have been on a weight program for about 2 years.  For the first year I lost almost 40 pounds.  For the second, I have gained 12.  I feel like the program is no longer serving and I need to do something different.  I feel more and more guilty and hate it constantly.  I would like some freedom.  If only that freedom didn't come with weight gain.  With this whole stay at home thing, I think I will practice more freedoms but need to start controlling myself without someone else making those decisions for me.  That is the new practice.  At least for awhile. 

Choices and Sacrifices.

Where can you accept sacrificing for what you want and where can you not?  Right now is a weird time.  I don't usually want to do anything much, but having the choice taken away I do not like.  I also do not like that I want to eat a lot and am having difficulty seeing why I shouldn't.  No one is going to see me anyway.  But.  Maybe weightloss and health shouldn't be about others seeing me.  It should be about me.  My health.  What I see and feel.  I have been others in the driver's seat too long.  I have a choice and I am giving it away and then having the nerve to complain about not having choices to make.  I have choices and always have.  I need to make the ones that will lead me to happiness.

Another day of Clarity

"What is dimming your soul right now?"  Well I gotta say it is fear.  I am far more afraid of the side effects of the virus than I am of the virus.  The panic will cause far more damage than the virus ever could.  I fear we are giving too much power to the government in order to keep us safe.  All of the guidelines sound awful familiar.  I fear the economy crashing.  I fear the lack of education that the children will be receiving.  I fear that the media has been lying to us for so long that we can no longer trust them therefore putting our very lives at risk.  This whole thing was created.  It's not a "thing" that just happened.  My soul is very dim.  

Clarity

"How do you know when you are connected to your soul?"  I am always connected to my soul.  My soul is me.  I am my soul.  This is no mystery.  I am who I am. 

Old is gone

"So look upon your old sin nature as dead and unresponsive to sin, and instead be alive to God, alert to him, through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:11

anger

"A wise man controls his temper.  he knows that anger causes mistakes."  Proverbs 14:29

Real Love

"In this act we see what real love is: it is not our love for God but his love for us when he sent his Son to satisfy God's anger against our sins." 1 Johm 4:10

Live again

"Yet, even though Christ lives within you, your body will die because of sin; but your spirit will live, for Christ has pardoned it.  And if the Spirit of God, who raised up Jesus from the dead, lives in you, he will make your dying bodies live again after you die, by means of this same Holy Spirit living within you. 

Paid

"God paid a ransom to save you from the impossible road to heaven which your fathers tried to take, and the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver as you very well know.  But he paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God." 1 Peter 1:18-19

not good enough

"then he saved us- not because we were good enough to be saved but because of his kindness and pity- by washing away our sins and giving us the new joy of the indwelling Holy Spirit," Titus 3:5

Boast

"It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.  Therefore, as it is written: Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord."  I Corinthians 1:30-31

Hebrews

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death." Hebrews 2:14-15

romans

"Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them."  Romans 4:7-8

Colossians

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God mad you alive with Christ.  He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross."  Colossians 2:13-14

John

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

Ash Wednesday

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have ever lasting life.
John 3:16

Mary Higgins Clark

Almost 2 weeks ago the world lost one of the greatest writers: Mary Higgins Clark.  She wasn't the most brilliant writer in the world.  If you read her mysteries too close together you would figure out the killer too quick.  But she was captivating.  She was one of the most captivating writers to ever write.  She drew suspense out of each page.  She was just simply the best. 
When I was about 12ish or so I was in my aunt's bedroom.  She was just out of high school and still lived "at home".  I was looking through her books which consisted of primarily Harlequin Romance paperbacks.  Dozens of them.  When there wasn't a Harlequin, there was a Jackie Collins.  I have never cared too much for romances, though I gotta admit a good Jackie Collins is divine.  When suddenly I came across "Where are the Children?"  I started to read and was immediately enthralled.  Who was this author?  I needed more!  My aunt also had "A Stranger is Watching" and then "Stillwatch".  I knew I had found my author.  About once a year she would publish a book.  I would then read this book.  It went on for decades.  Each year, gotta read the newest Mary Higgins Clark.  I also read her autobiography.  Getting to know the story behind the strong, smart, sleuthing heroines was such an eyeopener. 
I have felt bad when celebrities died before.  I might even watch the movie or listen to the songs a few times afterwards just to pay homage.  But I don't think I especially cared.  Not really.  Not as if it were a person I knew.  I cried instantly when I read that she had died.  I didn't just feel bad that there would never be anymore books (though I do terribly), I felt sorrow that the world no longer had Mary Higgins Clark in it.  I felt as if I had lost a mother figure.  This woman poured her words into my head every year.  Teaching me to be a lady while not lettering her fear keep her from finding the bad guy.  It was the thing I looked forward to every year.  Like Christmas.  I will miss the woman with accessory skills and pumps who was always making her way in the world alone and either fighting for her life, solving a murder, or just saving the world in general.  Ms Clark will be deeply missed. 

Self Love challenges

This week I will begin 2 self love challenges.  Not because I am feeling less self love that usual, but because Valentine's Day is at the end of the week it is apparently all of the rage in the area of influencers that I follow.  The first is Faithful Workouts and the other is Amanda Silvas.

Because I love myself I will drink 60 oz of water a day.
Because I love myself I will meditate on peace 3 minutes a day.
Because I love myself I will exercise 5 days a week.

What people come to mind when I think of "what will they think?"  First hand would be my mother.  Then my mother-in-law.  Those mom's you know.  Mostly because they have judged me with abandon.  Throughout my knowing of them both. Be it good or bad.
Five things I want to step into that are me:  become stronger physically, find peace, be hydrated, read more, freedom of judgement both for me and to me.

Emotional Eating

Share about the last time I was tempted to emotionally eat.  Well, that would be everyday.  Everyday.  It is my addiction.  My alcohol.  My nail biting.  My whatever.  It is what I do.  It makes me sad to think that it is killing me.  That one day what I do to get through each day will eventually take away my life.  Then all of those days won't matter anyway. 

Gratitude Post

1. baby sleeping in the bedroom
2. time for exercise
3.  I didn't get the sickness everyone else has
4. husband is working
5.  daughter is feeling better
6. got grocery shopping done before storm hits
7. Zac is coming back to work
8. Expo is in California
9. modern technology
10. I live in the US

2019-2020

Accomplishments from 2019:
1. Took a vacation to California and didn't lose my shit.
2. Saw Hamilton in KC!
3. Only gained 10 lbs even though I cheated a lot
4.  Kept regular exercise
5. Assisted in our business reaching financial goal.


Goals for 2020
1. Lose the 10 pounds I gained by Spring Break
2. Reach goal weight by end of the year
3. Be at Peace with myself in my world
4. Make my mediation practice more regular
5. See my grandparents more

Activities that will achieve Goals
1. Learn more about my spirituality
2. Read more
3. Be honest with food and everything else.  It is what it is.
4.  Spend more time on/in the water
5. Spend at least one day a month with Grandparent

What is me?

What takes up my time, thoughts, energy?  Right now I am back into health.  So, working out, recipes, thinking about food.  I also have a business.  Though it is my husbands and he is totally obsessed with it, it does take a lot of time and energy.  Dealing with him mostly.  I have one child still at home.  She is very attention seeking.  That takes a lot of attention and energy and can be quite exhausting.  I enjoy my books, cats, tv, church, but those things are on the back burner.  Mostly I am trying to keep my husband (business) and daughter at bay.  I need to seek some things for myself.  Without them.

How did I have fun?

How did I have fun last year?  Well, we took a trip to California that was great.  We visited my step-daughter, she lives at Laguna Beach.  We also spent a couple of days at San Diego.  It was a great trip.  We also took a long weekend to Springfield, Illinois.  Which you might think was kinda boring, but actually we had a great time.  We went to the Lincoln stuff and it was surprisingly amazing.  I highly recommend it. 

Personal Growth

In what way did I grow as a person in 2019?  Well, thanks to my kids, I got a whole lot more inclusive and accepting on normal.  My kids did some weird stuff this year.  Things I still can't fully grasp.  But each weird thing brought some good.  Something I am grateful for.  Something that makes me glad they did the hair-brain thing that they did. 
What did I learn?  That mother doesn't always know best.  Let them grow as well. 

Body Relationship

How do I feel about my body?  I was conditioned by parents, men, and society in general to not feel good about it.  It is in everyone else's best interest that I don't. I am easier to control this way, I am worth money this way, and it makes others feel better about themselves.  As a woman, it is fairly easy to do.  2020 is the year of Peace.  This year I hope to make peace with my body.  It is what it is.  It does what it does.  You can take it or leave it.  That is my goal.  Peace with everything. 

Priorities

What can I do to make my well-being a priority for 2020?  Last year I did not and there was absolutely no reward in it.  Not for me and not for the people I put first.  They did not benefit from my worrying at all!  This year I will keep my focus.  I will put exercising in with brushing teeth and bathing.  I will practice honesty with my food intake.  The body don't lie.