Frankie Say Relax

What is my relaxing state?  I would say taking a spa bath.  Light some candles, my salt rock, maybe some tunes.  Stay in the bath until I hear a crash out in the rest of the house that is loud enough that I feel the urgency to get out. 

what do I know?

The things I know more than the average person tend to be things of no value.  They are just fun.  Or they actually have nothing to do with me and they are the passion of someone around me who talks a lot.  I know more than average about American Girl dolls, Hamilton, and Laura Ingalls.  I know more than average about aliens, stars, and how to make a dish washer.  I know more than average about hunting, habitat, and guns.  I know more than average about conspiracy theories.  Enough that I could justifiably call myself a conspiracy theorist.  Like I said there's not a lot of value as far as making money, but it is all pretty interesting. 

Order or Chaos?

Both.  I was raised by two OCD people.  One was order, clean, size oriented.  The other was a hoarder.  I do not have OCD, but between the two I have a kind of order/chaos thing going.  I like to plan and have things in order, but find that the rest of the world goes against that kind of thing.  The man I live with really likes power.  Anyway, since I don't actually have OCD I don't need to insist upon it so then I just toss it to the wind.  It's a weird way to be I know, but it is what it is.

Food on my Mind

What do I think about the most?  Well, since I have joined this little adventure called weight loss, I would say food.  The when, how much, planning, guilt, etc.  I think about it waaaay more than I should.  I have read in multiple media that what you think about is your reality.  Call it whatever you want in whatever atmosphere you are in, but there you have it.  It's all the same.  I should probably let a lot of it go.  But when I do that I tend to eat unawares.  I need to find that happy medium that will let me live, but keep me within reason.  Ugh!  I hate food.  I love food.

biggest worry

I come from a long line of worriers.  We can worry about anything.  My Dad is the best worrier in the world.  No one can touch him.  It's a wonder he is still alive.  I am nothing compared to certain family members.  I am laid back and easy going.  I can still worry till the cows come home.  And still worry about whether the cows will come home or not.  I have so many biggest worries, I couldn't begin to limit it down to just one.  Here's a top 10:
1. Will I lose any weight?
2. Will my daughter's health be ok?
3. Will my other daughter ever move out?
4. Will my MIL ever stop being a boundary stomping maniac?
5. I can't understand my will.
6. will i be able to get to work in the ice?
7. Will my son be safe in Kuwait?
8. Is there some creeper living in my grandma's house without her knowledge?
9. Is my husband working himself to death?
10. Can our government be trusted?

Happy Place

My Happy Place would be in front of a TV watching the X-Files. I just love that show.  I am on my 4th time through.  Sometimes I'm just like, "I wonder what Scully and Mulder are up to?" So I will pick up where I left off.  There are times I like more than others, just like life, but I always come back to it.  It's comforting.  It's home. It's where I go when I don't want to seem weird anymore.  Cuz no matter how weird you are, X-files is weirder.  Always. 

The HLHS Battle

The oldest person living with HLHS has died.  She was 38.  Which is pretty amazing really.  When my daughter was born with HLHS 14 years ago she was only given a 13 year life expectancy.  So you can imagine what the 38 year old's expectancy probably was.  When my daughter was born I immediately started raising her differently.  With a "death sentence" on her head, she was raised to live in the now.  Her future was worried about.  Everything was about the present.  But so many people who worried about her dying young have since died and she is still here.  People who were young themselves, children even.  They have died from sudden heart attacks, liver failure, car wrecks, cancer, so many options.  And here she still is.  There is no guarantee for anything.  Enjoy what you got. 

Review of Personal

"Personal" is one of the Jack Reacher books by Lee Child.  Reacher is one of my favorite contemporary characters and I read all of his books.  "Personal" is a good one, though not one of my favorites.  In this book Reacher sees an ad in the personals about a former co-worker who he owes a favor to.  He responds accordingly leading to an adventure bouncing around Europe in search of an expert sniper trying to kill world leaders. 
This one is high in testosterone rather than intellect, so maybe the average guy would rate it higher than I, but it is still excellent.  I received this book in exchange for an honest review from www.netgalley.com. 

Can't Wait

There are several things I am looking forward to.  Both with joy and a little apprehension.  I am looking forward to our trip to San Diego this spring.  I am excited to get away and do some relaxing.  This trip is mostly visiting our daughter and just hanging out.  But I am apprehensive about being on a plane.  Will the passport come in so that my daughter will have a government issued ID to fly?  Will I fit in the seat or get kicked off for being to fat to fly?  Will I stand out there? Will my husband spend most of the time whining? 
Another thing I am looking forward to is seeing Hamilton.  But again nervous.  Will I be dressed appropriately?  I am sort of what you might call riff-raff in that world.
My walk-about.  I waaaant to go on that.  The deal is when I hit my goal weight I am going to take a walk-about by car.  I'd like to do Route 66.  I am afraid it will be too hot.  I am afraid it will never come.  I have a lot of worries.  I need to let go of the fear.  I refuse to feel fear.  This year's word is Adventure after all.

New Zealand

If I had a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world I would go to New Zealand.  I would love to see it.  It looks so beautiful in pictures.  I want to go to the south end and see the trees that are growing sideways.  It looks like such an amazing place.  I have actually looked into it and the plane ride is incredibly long and expensive.  It would take some doing to go.  But one day.  I'm gonna go.

How nice!

The kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.  There are many.  People as a rule tend to be kind.
1. A Sunday School student made me a pin thanking me for teaching her Sunday School.
2.  So many children have colored me pictures.
3.  When I divorced my uncle who has divorced three women leaving them with children, saved all of his change and gave me a check for over $500. 
4.  My Grandma would bring me food during that time as well.
5.  Once while single with 2 small children, a nursing home's employees adopted us for Christmas and gave me enough money to buy tires.  I know how much nurse's aids make and I know that was a sacrifice for them.
6.  A couple from our church would bring us ice cream every so often just to make us happy.
7. A guy once stopped and helped me change my tire.
8.  When pregnant with my first child, my coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower.
9. My boss brought me a doughnut.
10. my grandparents babysat my two children for years while I went to school.

that's the nicest thing

So, what is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me?  Nothing really stands out.  I don't get a lot of compliments so when I do, I tend to remember it.  Here are some of the nice things I have heard.
1.  I like her sense of humor.
2. You are a good writer.
3.  You take good pictures.
4.  You're the best softball player they got. (this was some years ago)
5.  You look like that girl on Wings.  (I heard that twice)
6.  You got a body that won't quit. (I was 19, he was 16.  It probably didn't take much.)
7. Your house is always clean.
8. You raise such good kids.
9. You have integrity.
10. You are strong.
11.  I can really tell you've lost weight.

It is also important to mention that I have heard the exact opposite of all of these things on many, many occasions.  And in the words of the great Julia Roberts: "the bad stuff is easier to believe."

Favorite Moments of 2018

2018

1. New grandbaby in December
2. Onederland
3. Weekend trip 1
4. weekend trip 2
5. Most of yr free of boundary pouncer
6. healthier me
7. kid's progressed

My top Ten

Top Ten Things I Like About Me
1.  I am kind to animals
2. I am reasonably smart.
3. I am stubborn
4. I can feel the room
5. I am interesting
6. I am a good mother
7. I am brave
8. I am strong
9. I am a good wife
10. I've got a good knack for business.

Was it Helpful?

What percentage of what I learned this year was actually helpful?  I would say most of it.  I learned that though most diets (including weight watchers) frown on milk, it is definitely important.  Not just for the vitamin D, but whatever it is that keeps your hair from falling out is worth the calories.  I learned a lot about myself.  All of which is useful.  There was a few things that were kind of fruity or witchcrafty that I didn't really find useful.  Anything to do with numerology I believe to be crap.  Anything chakra related I didn't especially find useful.  But all of the things that boosted self confidence; brought self value; encouraged self love.  Those are all things that have become incredibly valued.  I didn't have much value in myself before, but now I am coming around to it.  I must say, a lot of people I know aren't appreciating that much.  They liked bossing me around.  I like deciding for myself what is important to me, to spend my time and energy on.  I am growing to like me.  That is knowledge that I find incredibly useful. 
I am enough and the work I do is enough.

Take My Advice

If I could give January 6, 2017 me advice it would be to start my health journey sooner.  There was no point to putting it off to February.  I can't even remember January 2017 but I know I was depressed, anxious, unhealthy, and miserable.  I should have started it sooner.  Though I am on a bit of a plateau, losing only bits at a time, I know that I feel better about myself.  I feel better just walking around.  When I took my cholesterol in August and then took it again October it was high both times but came down considerably during that 6 weeks.  I can't imagine what it must have been in January.  I should have started sooner. I would tell me that I am important too.  That my health will take work and it is worth it.  That I will be so hungry I won't believe it, but hold on cuz it will get better.  That I will get to know myself and I will love myself.  I am worth it.  I should have started sooner. 

Authentically Me

Five things that make me authentically me:
1.  a disgusting sense of humor
2. a love of books
3. a desire for improve myself
4. seeing through bullshit
5. psychic ability


Five things that I want to step into:
1. The beginning and end of a 5K
2. a beach in a swimsuit with confidence
3. the town of Roswell
4. the start of my walk-about
5. my church on a more regular basis

how could I have made 2018 better?

Personally I think this is kind of a stupid question.  Why keep looking back and going over and over it.  Why not just look forward?  Well there is the whole learn from your mistakes thing.  I could have not done our will when we did.  I could have not bought ram an noodles.  I could have decided to not let my daughter have the foot surgery.  I could have done a lot of things.  But then I probably wouldn't have gotten a will done at all.  If it wasn't ram en noodles, it could have been something else.  There's no way I would have known about the foot surgery.  The infamous ear infection wasn't under my control in the first place.  Live and learn.  What's done is done. 

2018

My year truly started on February 7.  On that day I decided my health: physical, mental, medical, and spiritual were going to be a priority.  I didn't feel that others cared about me.  Whether that is true or not is irrelevant.  I didn't care about me and that was going to change.  I joined Weight Watchers.  Which was miserable.  I was hungry.  I was grouchy.  I didn't enjoy it at first at all.  But, anybody who tells you you can be healthy by taking a magic pill is a filthy liar.  It took a lot of work.  I was sore for a long time.  That was difficult in the beginning.  The always being sore and tired.  But as the muscle built and the weight came off things became much more easy.  I could move!  I had a very difficult time turning down food I wanted especially when I was so hungry.  I still can't believe I ate as much as I did when it didn't seem like much at the time.  Things got easier.  Christmas was brutal.  I have already gotten used to that Christmas vacation menu and now I am weaning myself back off of it.  And you know what!  I am already feeling hungry even though I am eating more than I did 3 months ago.  I have joined Faithful Finish Lines today as a extra support to Weight Watchers.  A seven week kick in the ass to get things going again.  In March I am going to California to hang out on the beach with my model-coulda-been step-daughter and her physical trainer husband.  Doesn't that sound like every weight watcher's nightmare?  They are lovely people and have never said a word about my size or anyone else's that I know of, but still.  So, I would like to drop one size by then.  From my keyboard to God's ears.