Did I really?

Did I take care of my health last year?  sure.  I didn't need to go to the doctor at all.  I wasn't ever sick.  No cavities.  I exercised regularly.  I did compared to my 2004-2018.  But did I really?  I gained back 10 pounds.  I lied and cheated my way through a years worth of WW.  I tried short cuts.  I didn't focus on my mental and spiritual health as I had planned.  I spent a lot of it worrying and being disappointed.  Last year was supposed to be my "adventure" year.  Word of the year.  None of the things I planned to be adventurous happened.  But..... I did have some unexpected adventure.  I had two sons go further and yon to serve their country.  I supported that both emotionally as well as physically since both needed a lot of assistance with legal and financial matters due to that.  I had 2 grandchildren born.  One who is blazing through babyhood with only one kidney!  Planned a wedding.  In a week.  Took one of the trips planned and took another surprise mini trip that was unexpectedly fun as well as interesting.  So it was an adventure.  And I did come through healthy. Now the word for 2020 is peace.  I want to make peace with life.  With my weight and health.  with family.  with work.  with whatever life throws my way. 

How much money do I have?

How much mullah do I have?  Well, I'm not gonna answer that here.  I will say that I have enough.  I always have enough.  Even when I was living well below poverty level, I had enough.  When I was living hand to mouth, I had enough.  When we started our business, we had enough.  When we were being adopted for Christmas, I had enough.  When I could buy what I wanted, I had enough.  I have always felt comfortable with what I had.  Now, I like not being in poverty much better.  Don't get me wrong, I know which way is up.  But I always got through ok.  I like to think I always will, but I know enough to know that you never know until you go through it, how you are going to do.  But I am fine with what I have.

morning gratitude

Gratitude for Christmas eve eve:
1. time for a workout
2. Don't have to go to work till afternoon
3. places to go for Christmas
4. dryer is drying my clothes and I'm not hanging them on the line when it is 30.
5. library room is almost done
6. bookshelves
7. coffee
8. kitty is tamed down and I can pet her
9. warm in my house
10. got to walk yesterday.  outside.

Pleasurable Christmas

Things I find pleasurable that are not food related:
1. listening to music
2. reading
3. drinking coffee (does that count?)
4. watching christmas classics like "Little Women" and "Family Man"
5. driving around and looking at lights
6. shopping

Three things I can put in to practice today: listen to new playlist I made, watch Elf, & look at lights.

What I have discovered about myself with this activity.  I do a lot of food related activities during the Holidays. 

Why?

step 1: secure, mobility, nonjudgmental, worry free
step 2: It would look like someone who cares little for the thoughts of others toward me and confident in my feeling towards myself.
step 3: 2020 I will live my life with independent self and trust in God.

10 Years From Now

Where will I be in ten years?  In ten years I will be in my mid 50s!  Gasp!  My husband will be in his mid60s which is retirement time.  Since I work for him, that means I will likely retire too.  I think I will enjoy being a housewife.  Maybe not with him being retired, but staying home might be nice.  I will likely do the things I like to do now.  Those things don't really involve a lot of youth.  I would like to be a healthy 56.  I would like to have achieved my weight goals.  I would like to have been to a few places on my bucket list.  I would like to be comfortable and happy.  I would like to like myself.  I am ready to do those things now.  Why not now.

Nourish your Relationship

The self-improvement word of the day is: relationship.  If I want to nourish a current relationship, examine my relationship with food, and with the world, what would I write about? 
How to nourish my relationship with food.  My past relationship would be a indulge and a starvation.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I eat it all.  I restrict.  I hate it. I love it.  How to live like a regular person?  That is a very good question.  One that I cannot answer. 

relationships

Who did I spend time with this year?  Well, as usual my husband and the daughter that still lives at home.  However, my older daughter started working at my place of business this year, so I have started spending a lot more time with her.  Though she just moved out in April, I didn't spend too much time with her before due to her running around a lot.  Now that she is married with a baby she has settled some and I can respect her a lot more now.  We also took a vacation to California on Spring Break.  One of my step-daughters lives in Laguna Niguel  and we rarely see her.  Maybe once a year we spend a holiday with her.  Whenever she can come to Kansas.  This year we spent several days with her and her husband and got to know them a lot better as adults.  So my year was pretty good as far as company goes. 

work/career

My focus for my career for 2020 is hard to say.  I don't really control any of it.  Taking initiative does not go rewarded.  In fact it is not encouraged greatly.  I guess my focus would have to be to not take any of it personally.    To better manage my reaction to the manipulation and insults.  To just let some things go.  To not expect to be respected by my boss, but by my customers.  Maybe.

Grateful list pertaining to work:
1. Can take a walk around the block at lunch.
2. Work with my kids
3. No horrible uniform.
4. Can take breaks when boss isn't around.

Let Go

Have I let go of anyone this year?  Not really.  Pretty much everyone is still here by my doing.  I have lost a few to things not of my control.  I lost my Grandpa this year.  In August.  He was a 98 year old WWII veteran from the Burma Theater.  He was a wonderful guy.  Always happy.  Mostly.  Strong as an ox, as he liked to say.  At 90 he could still hold a sledge hammer out straight and tough his nose without smashing himself in the face.  I miss him terribly and this Christmas will be hard.  However, we recently had to put our 12 year old cat down (bladder tumor) and when explaining to my daughter the necessity of it, we compared the suffering to my Grandpa.  I am so glad he is done suffering.  I know he is in heaven.  Quite probably hunting.  And since it's heaven, the deer will hop right back up again and scamper off. 

Work Satisfaction

How am I satisfied with my work this year?  I really don't have too much control over my work.  I work for someone else.  I just do it.  My husband is my boss and he is extremely controlling.  Taking initiative is not rewarded.  He prefers to control every key stroke.  That usually means there is little work done when he is not there.  I need to relax when ever I get the chance.  I don't really make any decisions or anything, so I would say I am not satisfied with my work. 
Maybe I need to develop some sort of hobby that would classify as work and focus on that.  I should have some achievements of my own. 

Self-love

Next year's self-love practice.......hmmmm.  2018 I practiced it in abundance.  2019 not so much.  It seems a little over done.  I little froo-froo.  This year I will practice a little something every day.  Not over-the-top, just a little reminder that I am important too. 

Self Relations

What kind of relationship did I have with myself this past year?  Well, I think I took myself for granted.  I didn't value myself and in return no one else did either.  I put myself on the back burner through out most of the year and worried a lot about other people and things that weren't my business.  I worried about things I had no control over.  I should have not worried at all and just managed the things that were in my power to make my health better.  This year I am going to work on that.  Twice lately I have had customers state that I was either not treated well or I was having too many demands put on me.  Both are true and are things that I have allowed and honestly, probably attracted.  I have been conditioned to believe that I have no worth if I don't overachieve my value.  My worth is in abundance and I should not be overdoing to benefit someone else to no benefit to myself and no appreciation to the manipulator in charge.  I am in charge and this year I am going to live like a woman who knows her worth!

How to have a positive mindset?

How will I have a positive mindset for 2020?  Who knows.  I am reading Battlefield of the  Mind.  I think if I can incorporate that book into my life I will achieve the mindset that I seek.  I dropped a lot of things I learned last year because I either thought it was stupid, it was too time consuming, or I just plain forgot about it.  I have learned I need something to keep on top of my mental stability.  I am trying to have a judge free lifestyle.  "You aren't allowed to judge me!" Favorite line from Why Women Kill.  That's what I want.  No judgment for me. No judgment by me.  Though I hate it for myself, I dish it out like nobody's business.  I am going to practice that as well as return to learning how to better myself.  Jo March style. 

Worry Wort

Last year I spent a lot of time worrying about things that weren't mine to worry about or things I could do nothing about.  Was my kid going to keep her baby?  Would she dump the guy she was with?  Where would she live?  Was my son safe in Kuwait?  Was my other son going to be able to keep what he had worked for when he spontaneously decided to join the army.  Was my granddaughter going to be healthy?  Were my grandfathers' suffering?  How is my grandmothers' doing?  Were they being treated ok by their children?  Will I ever lose weight?  Do I want to?  Will my mother-in-law invite herself on our vacation?  These are all things I worried about all 2019.  Now the answers are:  my daughter kept her baby, she is living in a rental, yes she dumped the guy, son is back safe and sound, other son quit the army caused havoc but is fine, granddaughter has one working kidney, grandfather died no more suffering, grandmothers are doing as expected, didn't lose weight, yes I want to, am working toward that. 
Worried all year for nothing.

Mindset

What was my mindset for 2019?  I should probably say it was all over the place.  I had no mindset.  It was incredibly hectic and scattered.  I didn't really like 2019 much.  2018 I was so focused on my health and I made a lot of progress.  2019 I was bored of myself and my surroundings were a mess.  I focused on them.  Their problems should have been their problems.  I need to keep my health in line.  Without it I have nothing.  2020 the focus will be mental health with a minor in weight.

What self care practices make me feel better?

I like exercising outdoors.  I like how I am getting the sunlight and exposure to green while I am working my body.  I also like doing hygge.  Being cozy eases stress.  I also like listening to music to calm down.  Anything that eases the stress is what I need more of.

How will I take care of myself next year?

Next year my plan is to work on mental health.  As a child my mental health was used as a method of control.  My husband does the same.  Next year my plan is to work on independent self thoughts.  More separation.  I plan to not walk into traps.  I want to make a decision and if someone doesn't like it, rather than allowing them to degrade until I agree with them or show agony to make them feel superior, I will leave them to deal with their own issues and they can correct my "mistake" on their own.  I want to work on making myself feel secure and happy.  My self image should not depend on someone else.  I have given them too much power.  And most of it is simply to boost their own self esteem. 

How did I take care of myself this year?

Last year was an abundance of trying new things to learn to care/better myself more.  I tried everything for every aspect of my being.  This year I tended to take the things I liked and do just them.  Some of the experiments from last year I decided where stupid, some were unhelpful.  I don't journal near as much as last year, though I do think it is helpful.  I am going to do a 25 journal prompts from The Blissful Mind blog (theblissfulmind.com) to try and get back into the groove. 

Question of the day: How did I take care of myself this year? Could I have done a better job?  This year was full of stress.  I did my best to take care of the stress.  To keep a meditation practice going.  That helped.  I also have tried to incorporate hygge.  That tends to make me feel warm and fuzzy, be it summer or winter.  I have also gone back to a couple of ladies who know their shit and are tried and true to get you back into shape.  Kathy Smith and Denise Austin.  You want your ass kicked, these are the ladies to get it done.  I've gone into following several people online for my fitness routine.  Less walking though.  I need to get that back going.  It seems to be a stress reliever as well as a fitness workout. 

I have not been so obsessed with my fandoms as last year.  That's good.  I like being free instead of having my OCD decided things for me. Last year I did so many challenges that I had to write them down every day and it really became a chore that I hated.

 Spiritually, I have been going to church about every other week, listening to Gospel music several times a week, and reading my devotional.  I try to watch Joyce Meyers every so often.  She is so wise.  Highly recommend her. 

Anyway, there you go.  Not back.  My weight has been on a standstill, but WW has changed things up and I have started to lose weight again on the new program.  So we shall see.