15 Interesting

15 Interesting things about me.  I don't know about interesting, but they stand out more than other facts.
1. Mother of 3, stepmother of 4, has one child with hypoplastic left heart
2. Have a Bachelor's in Education
3. Met someone running for President of the US (Bob Dole)
4. Been arrested (never charged)
5. Been to Washington DC twice
6. Have heard a ghost
7. Know how to play a flute
8. Know someone on death row
9. Hate the holiday Thanksgiving
10. Saw a panther (in Kansas in the wild)
11.  I have eaten both chicken feet and squirrel (separate occasions)
12.  Have watched the X-Files over four times
13. I practice daily meditation
14.I am a daughter of God
15. Once I was in the pit at a Metallica/Guns-n-Roses concert and got a Metallica pick

The Cliff?

I've been on a plateau as far as my weight loss goes.  For over two months, three really, I have been bouncing around the 36-37lb loss.  Up and down the same three pounds.  I was aware that plateaus are normal so I figured while I was at it I would dive into some other things that needed looked at.  Health wise.  I had some medical procedures done for health maintenance.  I knocked around the psychological blockages.  I even dabbled in the spiritual and borderline witchcraft stuff.  All of which was fun and effective in their own ways, but none helped with weight loss.  I have been following a "Finding Freedom" program that had me do a disorder questionnaire.  Turns out I am more than a little screwed up.  One of the things I do is I will go on an emotional binge and then to "fix" it, I will come close to starving to make it right.  Which leads to another binge, which leads to another starve.  Turns out this is an eating disorder.  I started to do some research on plateaus and on another program, "Finish Lines," I came across that this method of eating can encourage a plateau because on the starve days I don't eat enough calories (approx 700) and the binge too many(well over 2000).  I also had not lifted weights in about 3 months.  My water intake had fallen off.  These were all simple fixes, but the leveling out the emotional eating was going to take a few weeks to get straitened out.  Well, it's been about three weeks and this weigh in I finally broke the barrier!  Which is surprising since it was Thanksgiving weekend and not only was there lots of food, but lots of stress.  I think I handled the stress ok.  On the food, I made a Thanksgiving rules list and stuck to it.  Going back to tracking the next meal.  I feel better.  I don't trust it all of the way, but I do feel some relief. 

Share and share alike

No matter the suffering, God is with me.  We suffer so that when others suffer we can be there with them and know what they are feeling.  I guess I am supposed to share my sufferings and comforts as well as my redemption.  I am hoping by what I am reading that if I share that God has helped me lose weight and get healthy that it will help others.  Of course first I have to lose weight. 

Doing my best

Every hindrance is to be thrown off and run with perseverance.  Toss sin aside.  Run amok! (Amok, Amok, Amok) If I keep my eyes on the prize (Jesus) I am not worried about stuff.  I am not ridden with guilt.  I am carefree and down right skippy.  Why do I blindly do what I am told by everyone else?  Out with the old, in with the new; give thanks.  Sin is no longer my master.  Fix my eyes on what is unseen.  I am renewed every day.  Be good. 

My Community

I live in a rural community in Kansas.  Though I live in the country, I am not a farmer.  I used to have a large garden and rabbits and stuff, but my kids outgrew the rabbits and my husband can't stand to have plants growing so I no longer do that.  I live near what could be considered a village.  About 200 people live there; that's at the top of a triangle between two small towns.  One, my kids go to school in, has about a thousand people in it; the other, that I work in, has about 10,000 people.  My church is in another village near by.  I wouldn't say I am especially close to that many people, but when you live in a small community all of your life everyone knows about everyone else always and it becomes close without really having to do the work.  If you know what I mean. 
I used to do a couple of exercise classes at local churches for exercise, but currently I just work on my own.  I have tried to incorporate my husband to exercise with me, but beyond the purchase of an extremely expensive piece of workout equipment, he hasn't done anything.  Some of the steps I have taken is to workout regularly, but not be crazy about it.  I hope that I can encourage him to join me, but he kind of has a confidence that is unreal.  Which is kind of great, but when he is wrong, there is no convincing otherwise.  Something I have been considering is getting a food counselor.  I think that might help.  I am starting to lose interest and I know in my heart that I am not finished. 

Thanksgiving

1. Jason
2. home
3. kids
4. business
5. health

Well, that was super easy.  Top 5 things I am thankful for without thinking.  Rejoice always.  Pray constantly.  Give thanks in everything. 

Customer Service

When I receive excellent customer service it makes me want to spend more money there.  However, I have seen people take extreme advantage of customer service and try to screw the company out of everything they can and boost their own egos while they are at it.  So it's a toss up as to whether it is effective or not. 
The opposite of my temptations with food and body image would be a healthy person who eats when they choose because they are hungry.  I tend to try to do creative math and justify reasons to get what I want.  I might me one of those greedy customers when it comes to my health. 
The bible says to love your neighbor as yourself.  But what about when you don't love yourself very much.  Could it also be read, love yourself as you love your neighbor?  Of the fruits of the spirits I would have to say self-control is the complete opposite of my customer service when it comes to my temptations.  This week is Thanksgiving.  I have already been struggling more and more as this plateau goes on, so Thanksgiving is probably going to really kick my ass.  I suppose some practical ways of going about this week would be to do my plateau practices that I recently put together, with Thanksgiving as a "no points counted" day.  No point in feeling horribly guilty about the whole thing.  I will be careful of portions and try to make the food on the lighter side and just don't keep points that day.  Even if I am careful, I will out-point and then feel terrible about Thanksgiving.  Which is not the point of Thanksgiving at all. 
I will be having guests on Thanksgiving.  I should focus on their interests and not on my own.  Not on my guilt or points or sin.  Just what do they need.  And hope that none of them become greedy customers. 

Stick together

Ecclesiastes 4 summed up would be: stick together.  I would not say I have a pack.  I have friends, but none that I consider especially close.  I really don't have any that I could talk about weight with.  I used to be with a couple of women that I was close to and we worked out together and everything.  But one moved away and the other had gastric bypass surgery.  My sister and mother neither one has a weight problem and most of my family either don't or do and have made peace with it. 
I should probably start going to WW meetings, but I am so afraid.  It's my experience that instead of support, people tend to give criticism to boost themselves rather than advice.  I have been struggling with a plateau for about 2 months.  It has gotten so that I feel disappointed and like giving up.  The old self-hatred thoughts have made there way back in.  I repeatedly think about the things that are frustrating me, including ones that I can't do anything about.  I am really feeling the need to binge.  I feel empty. 

63 days

I have been isolated in my struggle mainly because making it known opens up things for people to attack.  They will know it bothers me and go straight for it.  My husband usually goes straight for crazy.  My father did too.  It's in my experience that men tend to do that. Making a woman crazy makes her easier to handle.  You also don't have to admit that you are an asshole.  If I let it be known that my weight bothers me, it would give him a new target.  He already had a period of trying to control what I ate all the time.  He thought it was funny.  It was not funny.  My mother would be constantly giving me "helpful" advise.  Of course sometimes, she just makes it up.  Like completely.  No nutritional research at all.  I want to find a balance of not being ashamed and taking care of myself without boosting so many egos with my suffering. 
One thought that keeps coming back, "it doesn't matter to anyone".  Which may be true.  My weight truly doesn't and shouldn't.  The only time it does is to give someone an ego boost or ammunition to cut me down.  Whether my weight is up or down, really doesn't matter.  I should care about being healthy and that is it.  I've GOT to cut out some of this negativity in my life. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

This week I have discovered that I place too much on beauty.  If asked would I rather be a genius or beautiful, I would pick beautiful.  Why?  Cuz if I am beautiful, I don't need anything else.  If I am smart, I still need other things.  Over and over I have read that God thinks I am beautiful and that he created me to look like this.  This is exactly what he wants.  This probably has always been there.  I live in the modern world where a woman's looks mean everything and the older a woman gets the less value she holds.  However, looks change.  What is beautiful changes by the time and location.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  My beauty may not be what the media considers beautiful, but the media has an extremely narrow scope.  The media is stupid.

Holidays are Here

Things I love to do this time of year:

sit in the dark and look at the lights on the tree
listen to christmas music while I clean or drive
go shopping
drive around looking at lights
seeing snow if there is any ( I suspect this is going to be my lucky year)
open christmas cards in the mail
set up the nativity
hear that I will have no overnight guests
have kitties curl up next to me to get warm.

Food for Comfort

Of course I turn to food for comfort, duh!  No one is that hungry.  2 Corinthians says that we receive comfort so that we can give comfort.  Eating comfort is not possible to pass along.  Jesus asks for all who are weary.  He created the food for thanksgiving, to be enjoyed.  Today I will count my points and enjoy my food.

Tebow

Let's start this review with everybody loves Tim Tebow.  Even when they say they don't, they do.  I tend to carry around the books I am reading and read them at various places: practices, lessons, various other kid activities, and when I do people usually never comment on the book.  Unless it has Tim Tebow's picture on the front.  My boys (early twenties) argue over who gets the book next.  When it's Tebow.  "This is the Day" is Tim's newest book and it is about grabbing your dreams and making them happen through God.  He gets pretty honest in this book, sharing his minor league experiences.  When he talks about the things the other teams would do to them, though I can see where he wouldn't find them so funny, I thought they were hilarious! He had touching moments as well as once that really made you think.   I feel like this is his best book yet.  Perfect idea for stocking stuffers!

Out with the Old

It's comfortable to know that God and the universe have given me the tools needed to deal with things that go wrong.  I am finding that life is much easier when I know how to deal with it.  What stuck out the most is the impact my parents have had on my weight.  I can see the why now.  But I am no longer a kid and can do what I want.  I can say yes or no to whatever.  I just need to DO it. In             1 Corinthians 13 is says that as a child I thought like a child, but as a grown-up I put away childish things.  It is time to put away childish things. 

#trueyou

Three reason why I love myself:
Because I am the only body I got.
I get shit done!
What's not to like!

Three Reason I am grateful to be alive today:
Of all the times in history to be a woman, this would be the one I would want to be in.
Because I have so much I still want to do.
It's a wonderful world/

Three difficult things this week:
Family visited
harassment at work from various sources
trying out balancing/intuitive eating

Three things I will do next week:
Get balancing in line
Have birthday party for my 14 year old
get will done

Reasons I deserve happiness
everyone does
I have not done anything to deserve pain
I am a good person

Three ways I am closer to the #trueyou:
I am learning my sources
I am learning who I want to be
I no longer care what it takes to get there or what others think about it.

Wonderfully Made

This week I have had some things put upon me that I didn't especially want.  All were people trying to take advantage in various ways.  All have given me tons of stress and anxiety.  I want to hide when that happens.  I am getting kind of tired of people  I have been getting back on track and trying to even out a balance in things lately.  All of stress is binding that up.  However, I keep reading that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am how I am supposed to be.  That I need to love me as I am.  I can change things for the better, but that shouldn't be the reason I love myself.  I am working on it.  I noticed that this past week was easier to handle when I kept myself in mind.  For instance when I was being absorbed and used this week I snuck off and did some walking by myself.  Then sat on a park bench and meditated.  I felt ready after that.  I also took a candle lit bath one night when I knew people were wanting me to serve.  Screw 'em.  I'm taking a long soak. 
Now to get through the work related anxiety. 

do it myself

I would say there are two areas where I have no control.  Or normally have none.  I don't usually have control over the food going in and I don't usually have any control over my home where guests are concerned.  I am lately fighting for control over my thoughts.  I have been working considerably on my control over things and letting other things go.  For instance, I can let a lot of things that I try to control go.  Just let someone else do it.  And then controlling the things that actually matter to me.  Like my health.  I need to control my reactions to things I don't like.  I may not be able to control who comes over, how long, and to do what; but I can control whether I am there.  I know my not being there will hinder the enjoyment  as no one else is there to do the work, he will need to.  I can control what I am willing to do.  I can control how much activity I do for exercise.  The food part is harder.  I have come to realize that the binge/deprive thing I have been doing is not working.  I need to even things out.  That's what I am trying to do now.  Have a few treats spread out over the week.  
I don't think "I need to control" is a lie.  People need to control a little of something.  Otherwise, they are being controlled.  Sometimes control is a good thing.  Controlling everything; now that's a lie.

My flaws would be the need to control everything.  Not being able to control that which is actually in my control.  etc.

pie chart

I am loving the area of results in the area of smaller clothes.  No one has noticed yet.  I don't think anyone actually looks at 45 year old women anyway, and so no one probably will notice.  I notice.  I am disliking the results of my mind control.  I feel like I am losing control a little right now.  Mother-in-law is coming this weekend, baby shower, crazy lady called and yelled on phone, and creepy guy is coming by again.  Feel like I am not keeping peace.  I am not sure what I can do.  Other than hide.  That would not be appropriate.  Hold it together till Monday I guess.  Wish husband wasn't bailing on me this weekend.  But of course that is what he usually does.  That's how he deals with the stress. 
I am thankful for the visit being short.  I am thankful that I have come together with the tools I need to handle any situation. Just wish I didn't need to put them to use quite so soon. 
I tend to put others first to the point of harming myself.  I need to put myself first in the areas that my health is at risk.  I tend to soothe myself with food.  It tends to be more acceptable to do rather than say no.  It feels like everyone is constantly wanting something.  I need to do this; need to do that.  Even the dog!  Other people's demands tend to put my health on the back burner due to the fact that they won't stop whining.  I realize I am not important to others, but I should be important to myself and I have been working on my health even though others do not like how it improaches on their desires.  I buy much healthier food now and refuse to eat out with others near as often.  I also take at least 30 minutes a day to walk whether they like it or not.  Sometimes I can't figure out why they especially care other than just to control.