macros, smacros

So I did some steps in the Metabolism Reset Challenge and discovered that some days I am no where near the calories or grams of anything and some days I am way over the calories.  It has been pointed out on two other things I follow (CWL and an Instagram blog) that bingeing or emotional eating is bad because of .......  So when it was put in mathematical format I could see it.  I need to stop over eating some days and then trying to make up for it on others.  Weight watchers has "weekly" points for special days, but I was using them to excess and then trying to make up.  I need to make it a more balanced week.  Balance is my November word.  I am going to work on balancing my diet before I go further into why I am not losing as quickly as I would like.
Culprits:
Stress
Vitamins (weird outta balance thing I got going on)
sleep
food sensitivities.  I have had blood work, I think that area is fine.

The Hurdles

What are my mental and emotional hurdles that I have been going through?  Well.....I have doing a lot of soul searching in the last few months.  Along with my physical health I felt the need to become healthy mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Which meant coming to deal with a lot of stuff in the past.  Most of which I feel I have come to terms with as of late.  I also felt the need to place it to the side for a bit.  Let it rest.  However, yesterday I received a call from my lawyer about going over the papers for our will.  We saw him in June and as most know, we had the summer from hell.  This unstable state was being had during the time the original papers were being drawn up for the will.  I thought I had put it to rest when he "came to", but as I keep reading I keep having flash backs to his behavior as well as all of the trauma of the summer.  It has become difficult to read the papers (and not just because they are in attorney speak).  I'm thinking maybe I am not ready to read and rehash.  I may need to take this in baby steps. 

Reflection

This week I have learned that Jesus had all of the exact same temptations as everyone else.  Which is something I kind of knew until I blended it with this: everyone in the world has the same temptations.  So in other words, the heroin addicts have the same temptations as me.  Yet I find myself not at all fighting the desire for heroin.  Yet, a Buzzard's Pizza?  So both me and the addict are enticed the same.  But I can say, "heroin?  No, I'm good."  Maybe the other guy can't.  Temptations are the same, we just say yes to different things.  We still fall.  Temptations are all the same, if you can turn down one you can turn down another.  Furthermore, you can't snub your nose as anyone falling to their temptations when you fall to yours.   I need to ask God's help in continuing the process, in fighting temptations, in balance.  The lies I believed that I need to stop is: my temptations aren't as bad as someone else's, that I am destined to be this way, that my pride doesn't get in the way. 

tools

What tools do I need to achieve my goals?  That is the question of the day. So I was thinking of things to buy.  However, my simple living blog I read said that more stuff is more stuff.  So what do I need that isn't more stuff?  I don't know.  I don't want to get stuff for the sake of getting stuff.  I will be needing some workout shoes shortly.  So there's that.  I also need to stock up on chicken, fish, and fresh fruits and veggies.  I am getting a little bored of the same old same old.  Need to liven things up.  Get some unique fruits and veggies.  Probably have to go to Lawrence for that. 

the way out

Weirdly two different bible readings gave the same verses this morning.  God must want me to know something.  And that something is......

All temptations are the same for everyone  and he will always give you a way out.  No temptation is more than anyone can bear.  He is faithful.  Jesus is the high priest and he was tempted in the same ways as me.  He never fell.  He knows what I'm talking about. 

Change

Paul's three step process
1. put out old self
2. be made new in attitude of minds
3. put on new self

Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Kindness is probably the easiest, self-control is the hardest.

CHANGE

I haven't really lost any weight in the last two months.  It has gone up and down the same 3 pounds by the week.  But I felt I was being called to work on something else for a time.  I had heard of weight loss plateaus and felt that that's what was happening and since it was, I might as well work on something else.  That something else being healing from past wounds.  Wounds that may very well have caused the weight issue to begin with.  I worked on several issues and wounds.  I worked on psychological aspects as well as emotional and stress related.  I dove pretty deep for a person without their main crutch.  That might be why I didn't lose anything as well.  I think I did pretty well considering.  It was an emotionally hard two months.  I also had some medical exams and tests done.  I am not one to visit the doc unless I am ill, so this was all pretty new.  Got a pap for the first time in about 10 years, first mammogram ever, blood work, etc.  All is well.  But now I am thinking I need to let it rest a bit.  Give my soul some time to heal and time to strengthen.  I want to focus back on basic eating and exercise.  My new goal is to be in one size smaller by spring break.  We are going to be on a plane and I would like my butt to be the size of the average American butt.  I am going to start focusing on more veggies and lower points.  I am going to continue to do walking,yoga and tai chi, but also to do more Pilates and strength training.  My goal is pretty simple.  I need some simple right now.  I am not going to drop the self-love and self-care, but I am going to put the major mental topics and actives on the back burner.  I need some down time in that department.

Week three

2. Yes it does.  I was thinking the other day about a woman who claims to be Christian and yet lives in a typically "unchristian like" fashion.  Then it occurred to me that she still may love God with all she has and that her behavior and love for God is none of my business nor any less real than mine.  She is his image same as me and no better or different.  His daughter too.

1.  I need to get rid of shame in bringing my health and consideration for it public.  Not necessarily public, but not hidden.  When you need to exercise, don't hide it just do it.  When you want to turn down a dessert, just turn it down.  If you want to eat it, just eat it.  Don't sneak it. 

3. In a way both.  I am encouraged that the spiritual war is there, because I know that all will end well and that there is nothing outside of my mind I can do about it.  On the other hand, there is nothing on the outside of my mind I can do about it.

Created

What I have learned this week:  I was created by him, for him, in him.  I will not be able to move forward until I have learned to accept myself as I am and to love myself as I am no matter how I am.  My body is a temple for God and I am to love it and me no matter what.  In response to this information, I need to learn to treat my body with care whether weight is lost or gained.  I will exercise because it is good for me, not just because I want something in return.  I should learn to meditate and journal because it it makes me feel good and stop when that goal is achieved.  I need to learn to eat when hungry and to enjoy the foods that I am eating.  It is a joy to eat; many people can't.

Prayer requests: I pray for willpower, enjoyment, and good health.  I pray for others to have access to the food that I have an abundance of.

Grateful:
1. time spent with husband doing something I had never done before (NASCAR).
2.  Spent time with both grandfathers.
3. things have calmed down at work.

One way food issues are stealing from me:  It is a big time consumer.  Whether weight watching or not, it seems to take a lot of time.

List of Courageous moments:
Continue to keep getting back up when people are mean to me
Fought for daughter when sexually assaulted
Watching for daughter when in hospital, every time.
Going against in-laws, time and again.
Divorcing while pregnant

Maybe I better look at my Why again

So my Why.  I did the "why" questions earlier and the point of the why was that I wanted to live to see my child grow up.  I have been to doctors and had scans to update my medical health and other than the cholesterol is a little high, I am going to live.  So now I still hope to lose the total of 75 pounds with 35 to go.  Lately I keep gaining and losing the same 2-3 pounds for the last 2 months.  So I need to re-evaluate my "why." 
Why do I want to lose 35 pounds?
Because it will be healthier and I will look better.
Why do you want to be healthier and look better?
Because though I am not at risk for dying, I want to live well.  I want to be more in shape.
Why do you want to be more in shape?
Because there are a lot of things I want to do and I don't want to be embarrassed or unable to do them.
Why do you want to do them?
Because I want to experience life and enjoy it.
Why do you want to experience life?
Because I see regrets in my grandparents and I don't want to be alone with them when I am older.  I not only want to live, but to live well.

dream goal

My comfortable goal is to "be healthy".  I have several goals that are attached to that.  One being to get all medical health check-ups updated and deal with results.  Check.  All that is left is eye doctor and I am due for that in December.  That was to be done by the New Year.  Second is lose 75 pounds in one year.  I have lost almost 40 in 7 months.  Scheduled due date has been moved to June 1.  I may have overestimated that one.  Another is to connect more with my husband, become closer to my God, overcome PTSD and anxiety and all the while actually learn to enjoy life and be happy.  Those are more vague goals.  Not really sure how to measure enjoyment.  Anyway, one thing I would like to do is run the 5K (they do two heart runs in KC).  They are both in June.  I would like to be able to run one of them.  Now, anyone who is 45 and had three kids knows that running is usually not a good idea (think wet pants) but I would like to be able to.  I need to loose the weight by the goal date and then really step up the fitness routine.  I will think more on that later.

Day Three

1. Galatians 1:11-24 is Paul's story.
2. That man who once persecuted us is now preaching the very message he used to try to destroy.  Their response was to recognize and worship God because of me.

Tomorrow I am supposed to take an eating disorder test, but I already took it on day one.  The test was pretty astonished at my results.  It appears I touch on just about all of them.  I don't have night time eating.  I also don't have bulimia.  Anymore.  I didn't think I had anorexia, but apparently the thing I do where I try to make up for bingeing is a type of anorexia.  I would say I am mostly a emotional binge eater.  I didn't have control over anything growing up.  My dad has OCD and he pretty much controlled everything.  So when I grew up, I wanted to take my control and in turn, did the same thing.  Except eating.  It was something I was always free at.  Except not really.  What I was considering freedom was more control over me.  I need to let the release the grip of a lot of the rest of my life and control the eating.  Hmmm, yeah, I should do that.

Arms of Mercy review

Ruth Reid strayed a little from her supernatural Amish Fiction, but has found her way back in her newest, "Arms of Mercy."  In her latest novel, Catherine finds herself between two men, Elijah, her ex who ran off and married another, and Zach, her man for years who doesn't seem to want to tie the knot.  Personally I don't know why this was a choice.  I would have dumped them both.  Which she kinda does.  She decides to go to Florida to work in a bakery, when Elijah (now widowed) gets on board the bus for a little long distance stalking.  While on their way, the bus wrecks, the two are separated and Catherine has amnesia.  While separated in a foreign land (Ohio), the learn to know themselves and do a little reevaluating.
This is a pretty good book.  I like Reid.  Thought the ending was predicted, the middle was certainly unpredictable.  I received this book in exchange for an honest review from www.booklookbloggers.com. 

Two

1. permanent memorial to for the People of Israel.
2. The flow of the Jordan was stopped in it's tracks.

Born to teenage parents in a small town in Kansas.  About three years later moved to a farm house owned by my grandfather.  Wonderful home to grow up in.  Grew  up a an extremely strict environment which left me unable to make decisions.  Went to college and became a prime target for the much more experienced.  God looked out for me then.  No lasting effects.  Married poorly in early twenties and had two children.  Divorced while pregnant with the second.  Husband completely abandoned all financial responsibility.  God looked out for me then.  Though was in poverty, maintained all means of reasonable life.  Married again and had terminally ill child.  God looked out for me then.  Child miraculously lived and is healthy though still has illness.  Though I have made some terrible decisions and have not done all that I knew was right, God has been there to shield me when needed. 

negative to a positive

Today I came to work and the phones were going crazy.  Which is good; we like business.  This was almost more than we could even answer, but we were doing well.  A meeting had been scheduled and clearly we were going to be too busy to handle a meeting, not to mention that the meeting had been had to no avail several times before.  The other person had come without all of the necessary information.  So I called to reschedule.  He was upset.  At the time I was listening to him chastise me, the school called for me to come get my sick kid.  I almost snapped.  It turned out being pushed to the edge by controlling men was a positive.  I "had" to leave the office to get her, giving me time to cool down.  I rescheduled, like it or not, proving that the limits needed to be set and doing things well was more important that making a man happy.  The time was freed up to take care of customers that were needing help.  When looked at in another point of view, things aren't nearly as trying as they first appeared. 

The only we thing we have to fear.....

My fears:
riding on a plane
getting kicked off of a roller coaster
water (drowning)
dropping suddenly
men
losing my husband to someone else
my child dying
my mil moving in with me


I would say other than the first two my fears are pretty founded.  They are things to be warned of and to take into account of.  They are not things that won't happen, they are things that quiet honestly could or will happen.  The first two are more of ego thing.  I don't want the humiliation.  This spring break I will be facing both of them.  I do not look forward to either.  My goal is to lose another 20 pounds by March to ensure that the humiliation part does not occur.  Though it still might.  I feel sick.

Gotta have goals

Short term goals:
weigh what my driver's license says by Thanksgiving
eye doctor by end of the year
get cholesterol down to normal by new year


Long term goals:
lose 20 pounds by spring break
goal weight by June 1
have two trips planned and preferably taken by New Year 2020.

theme vs passion

Lately I have been passionate about my health and it has morphed into being passionate about changing my life for the better.  Sometimes I wonder if I am changing everything I am, but I think I am becoming who I am.  All of this stuff was pretty much there all along.  I am just now acting on it.  Now, I don't really like to watch what I eat, but I am not changing too much really.  Just eating less of it or a light version.  I don't mind exercising, but I am discovering new types, like interval and ti chi.  There are a few things I have dabbled in that might go against my religion lately, and I have since decided that they are crap.  But I can see where psychologically they would help someone who did believe.  Like crystals (personally I think they are just pretty rocks) and that one thing where there is an informational highway running over your head with all the info from past lives. Yeah, I don't believe that. There are a couple of things I sorta believe.  Like Chakras.  I think that that area of the body does do that kinda and that eating certain foods help that area.  I also believe in archangels, but I don't think that Raphael is going to help me with my creativity.  Right now I am all about making myself healthier, happier, at peace, and healing from the past.  I do not think I can make a living at it. 

Let it Go

One of the mantras I have had to say time and again is  "I choose to let go of that which does not benefit me."  So, what am I ready to let go of?
Parents too young
Angry father
mother with a razor for a tongue
Bullied by boys in school
sexually assaulted
husband unfaithful
battered by husband
single parenthood
chronically ill child
harassing in-laws

There is probably more, but this is the highlights.

My ears have heard

Several days ago I began looking into non-traditional reasons for my ear troubles.  I have had ear problems all of my life.  Countless ear infections as well as ear drum bursts.  Of course this has made me hard of hearing.  I have often wondered why I am the only person I know over the age of 10 with so  many ear infections.  I discovered that unorthodox teachings of the ears having health issues is when the ear chakra is closed up.  Which sounds like horse shit until they started to explain.  When a child hears lots of sounds that are unwelcome they will start to close their ears to sounds.  Which will result in ear infections.  My parents fought constantly.  And they said some pretty horrible things to each other, as well as to me, and just in general.  They were incredibly young, poor, and angry.  Life wasn't being too kind to them.  That was how they expressed it.  They did better when they knew better.  Lately, I have been trying to open my ears.  I hadn't realized how much I wasn't hearing because I didn't want to.  So much white noise is now being heard. 
Today's activity was to listen to my favorite song and dance; the other was to listen to Broken Chains by Tasha Cobbs Leonard.  My favorite song is What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong.  The American Heart Association also said to listen to sounds of nature.  It seems Hearing is the word of the day.  With the combination of the three I have come to realize a few things.  One: in 1967 when the world could not have kind to Mr. Armstrong, he still sang and appeared to truly believe that the world was wonderful.  That it is time for me to break the chains that are not doing me or anyone else any favors.  Those days are long gone.  My parents are no longer young or poor.  I am not a child listening to bad things anymore.  I am a woman listening to crickets, trees blowing, and kitties meowing.  And some amazing music.

Enjoy Weight Loss

No one truly enjoys losing weight while it is happening.  I don't think.  It's kinda awful, not just because of the hunger and exhaustion, but the time consuming process of planing and scheduling and the just plan obsessing.  Always looking for something to "make do" with.  The high and low of success and disappointment.  Judgment from others: either something to make themselves feel better about not losing or something to make themselves feel better about not having to.  The humiliation of people seeing you eat light or workout when obviously it isn't the norm.  But once the novelty wears off and you get a little more comfortable with the new life style, and you make peace with back slides and plateaus as well as victories, I guess you could find something to enjoy about the process.  For instance though I am still a good 25 pounds from my goal weight I have already discovered that with each size that is dropped, the clothes get cuter.  They really should make cuter clothes for all sizes, but they don't.  So there's that.  When I go to things that involve a lot of walking and standing I find it is much easier to handle.  I can do more longer.  On most days I can't tell too much difference, but two weekends in a row I went to a car show and then the Renaissance festival.  Both were better when I didn't need to carry close to 40 pounds extra.  I haven't had heartburn in months.  That's good.  People have started looking at me.  Not in a checking me out way, but just looking at me in the face.  I hadn't realized that was happening until people started looking again.  That was kind of startling actually.  Besides the weight thing, I have been doing an all over health scan and awakening.  I don't have results on doctor exams yet, but I realize that that could be very dangerous thing to ignore due to size.  I simply didn't want to be weighed at the doctor's office.  So no doctor.  Also I feel my marriage is better due to mental and emotional things I have been taking care of as well as I feel that my mind and spirit are in better shape.  That makes me feel happier and more at peace.