Did I really?

Did I take care of my health last year?  sure.  I didn't need to go to the doctor at all.  I wasn't ever sick.  No cavities.  I exercised regularly.  I did compared to my 2004-2018.  But did I really?  I gained back 10 pounds.  I lied and cheated my way through a years worth of WW.  I tried short cuts.  I didn't focus on my mental and spiritual health as I had planned.  I spent a lot of it worrying and being disappointed.  Last year was supposed to be my "adventure" year.  Word of the year.  None of the things I planned to be adventurous happened.  But..... I did have some unexpected adventure.  I had two sons go further and yon to serve their country.  I supported that both emotionally as well as physically since both needed a lot of assistance with legal and financial matters due to that.  I had 2 grandchildren born.  One who is blazing through babyhood with only one kidney!  Planned a wedding.  In a week.  Took one of the trips planned and took another surprise mini trip that was unexpectedly fun as well as interesting.  So it was an adventure.  And I did come through healthy. Now the word for 2020 is peace.  I want to make peace with life.  With my weight and health.  with family.  with work.  with whatever life throws my way. 

How much money do I have?

How much mullah do I have?  Well, I'm not gonna answer that here.  I will say that I have enough.  I always have enough.  Even when I was living well below poverty level, I had enough.  When I was living hand to mouth, I had enough.  When we started our business, we had enough.  When we were being adopted for Christmas, I had enough.  When I could buy what I wanted, I had enough.  I have always felt comfortable with what I had.  Now, I like not being in poverty much better.  Don't get me wrong, I know which way is up.  But I always got through ok.  I like to think I always will, but I know enough to know that you never know until you go through it, how you are going to do.  But I am fine with what I have.

morning gratitude

Gratitude for Christmas eve eve:
1. time for a workout
2. Don't have to go to work till afternoon
3. places to go for Christmas
4. dryer is drying my clothes and I'm not hanging them on the line when it is 30.
5. library room is almost done
6. bookshelves
7. coffee
8. kitty is tamed down and I can pet her
9. warm in my house
10. got to walk yesterday.  outside.

Pleasurable Christmas

Things I find pleasurable that are not food related:
1. listening to music
2. reading
3. drinking coffee (does that count?)
4. watching christmas classics like "Little Women" and "Family Man"
5. driving around and looking at lights
6. shopping

Three things I can put in to practice today: listen to new playlist I made, watch Elf, & look at lights.

What I have discovered about myself with this activity.  I do a lot of food related activities during the Holidays. 

Why?

step 1: secure, mobility, nonjudgmental, worry free
step 2: It would look like someone who cares little for the thoughts of others toward me and confident in my feeling towards myself.
step 3: 2020 I will live my life with independent self and trust in God.

10 Years From Now

Where will I be in ten years?  In ten years I will be in my mid 50s!  Gasp!  My husband will be in his mid60s which is retirement time.  Since I work for him, that means I will likely retire too.  I think I will enjoy being a housewife.  Maybe not with him being retired, but staying home might be nice.  I will likely do the things I like to do now.  Those things don't really involve a lot of youth.  I would like to be a healthy 56.  I would like to have achieved my weight goals.  I would like to have been to a few places on my bucket list.  I would like to be comfortable and happy.  I would like to like myself.  I am ready to do those things now.  Why not now.

Nourish your Relationship

The self-improvement word of the day is: relationship.  If I want to nourish a current relationship, examine my relationship with food, and with the world, what would I write about? 
How to nourish my relationship with food.  My past relationship would be a indulge and a starvation.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I eat it all.  I restrict.  I hate it. I love it.  How to live like a regular person?  That is a very good question.  One that I cannot answer. 

relationships

Who did I spend time with this year?  Well, as usual my husband and the daughter that still lives at home.  However, my older daughter started working at my place of business this year, so I have started spending a lot more time with her.  Though she just moved out in April, I didn't spend too much time with her before due to her running around a lot.  Now that she is married with a baby she has settled some and I can respect her a lot more now.  We also took a vacation to California on Spring Break.  One of my step-daughters lives in Laguna Niguel  and we rarely see her.  Maybe once a year we spend a holiday with her.  Whenever she can come to Kansas.  This year we spent several days with her and her husband and got to know them a lot better as adults.  So my year was pretty good as far as company goes. 

work/career

My focus for my career for 2020 is hard to say.  I don't really control any of it.  Taking initiative does not go rewarded.  In fact it is not encouraged greatly.  I guess my focus would have to be to not take any of it personally.    To better manage my reaction to the manipulation and insults.  To just let some things go.  To not expect to be respected by my boss, but by my customers.  Maybe.

Grateful list pertaining to work:
1. Can take a walk around the block at lunch.
2. Work with my kids
3. No horrible uniform.
4. Can take breaks when boss isn't around.

Let Go

Have I let go of anyone this year?  Not really.  Pretty much everyone is still here by my doing.  I have lost a few to things not of my control.  I lost my Grandpa this year.  In August.  He was a 98 year old WWII veteran from the Burma Theater.  He was a wonderful guy.  Always happy.  Mostly.  Strong as an ox, as he liked to say.  At 90 he could still hold a sledge hammer out straight and tough his nose without smashing himself in the face.  I miss him terribly and this Christmas will be hard.  However, we recently had to put our 12 year old cat down (bladder tumor) and when explaining to my daughter the necessity of it, we compared the suffering to my Grandpa.  I am so glad he is done suffering.  I know he is in heaven.  Quite probably hunting.  And since it's heaven, the deer will hop right back up again and scamper off. 

Work Satisfaction

How am I satisfied with my work this year?  I really don't have too much control over my work.  I work for someone else.  I just do it.  My husband is my boss and he is extremely controlling.  Taking initiative is not rewarded.  He prefers to control every key stroke.  That usually means there is little work done when he is not there.  I need to relax when ever I get the chance.  I don't really make any decisions or anything, so I would say I am not satisfied with my work. 
Maybe I need to develop some sort of hobby that would classify as work and focus on that.  I should have some achievements of my own. 

Self-love

Next year's self-love practice.......hmmmm.  2018 I practiced it in abundance.  2019 not so much.  It seems a little over done.  I little froo-froo.  This year I will practice a little something every day.  Not over-the-top, just a little reminder that I am important too. 

Self Relations

What kind of relationship did I have with myself this past year?  Well, I think I took myself for granted.  I didn't value myself and in return no one else did either.  I put myself on the back burner through out most of the year and worried a lot about other people and things that weren't my business.  I worried about things I had no control over.  I should have not worried at all and just managed the things that were in my power to make my health better.  This year I am going to work on that.  Twice lately I have had customers state that I was either not treated well or I was having too many demands put on me.  Both are true and are things that I have allowed and honestly, probably attracted.  I have been conditioned to believe that I have no worth if I don't overachieve my value.  My worth is in abundance and I should not be overdoing to benefit someone else to no benefit to myself and no appreciation to the manipulator in charge.  I am in charge and this year I am going to live like a woman who knows her worth!

How to have a positive mindset?

How will I have a positive mindset for 2020?  Who knows.  I am reading Battlefield of the  Mind.  I think if I can incorporate that book into my life I will achieve the mindset that I seek.  I dropped a lot of things I learned last year because I either thought it was stupid, it was too time consuming, or I just plain forgot about it.  I have learned I need something to keep on top of my mental stability.  I am trying to have a judge free lifestyle.  "You aren't allowed to judge me!" Favorite line from Why Women Kill.  That's what I want.  No judgment for me. No judgment by me.  Though I hate it for myself, I dish it out like nobody's business.  I am going to practice that as well as return to learning how to better myself.  Jo March style. 

Worry Wort

Last year I spent a lot of time worrying about things that weren't mine to worry about or things I could do nothing about.  Was my kid going to keep her baby?  Would she dump the guy she was with?  Where would she live?  Was my son safe in Kuwait?  Was my other son going to be able to keep what he had worked for when he spontaneously decided to join the army.  Was my granddaughter going to be healthy?  Were my grandfathers' suffering?  How is my grandmothers' doing?  Were they being treated ok by their children?  Will I ever lose weight?  Do I want to?  Will my mother-in-law invite herself on our vacation?  These are all things I worried about all 2019.  Now the answers are:  my daughter kept her baby, she is living in a rental, yes she dumped the guy, son is back safe and sound, other son quit the army caused havoc but is fine, granddaughter has one working kidney, grandfather died no more suffering, grandmothers are doing as expected, didn't lose weight, yes I want to, am working toward that. 
Worried all year for nothing.

Mindset

What was my mindset for 2019?  I should probably say it was all over the place.  I had no mindset.  It was incredibly hectic and scattered.  I didn't really like 2019 much.  2018 I was so focused on my health and I made a lot of progress.  2019 I was bored of myself and my surroundings were a mess.  I focused on them.  Their problems should have been their problems.  I need to keep my health in line.  Without it I have nothing.  2020 the focus will be mental health with a minor in weight.

What self care practices make me feel better?

I like exercising outdoors.  I like how I am getting the sunlight and exposure to green while I am working my body.  I also like doing hygge.  Being cozy eases stress.  I also like listening to music to calm down.  Anything that eases the stress is what I need more of.

How will I take care of myself next year?

Next year my plan is to work on mental health.  As a child my mental health was used as a method of control.  My husband does the same.  Next year my plan is to work on independent self thoughts.  More separation.  I plan to not walk into traps.  I want to make a decision and if someone doesn't like it, rather than allowing them to degrade until I agree with them or show agony to make them feel superior, I will leave them to deal with their own issues and they can correct my "mistake" on their own.  I want to work on making myself feel secure and happy.  My self image should not depend on someone else.  I have given them too much power.  And most of it is simply to boost their own self esteem. 

How did I take care of myself this year?

Last year was an abundance of trying new things to learn to care/better myself more.  I tried everything for every aspect of my being.  This year I tended to take the things I liked and do just them.  Some of the experiments from last year I decided where stupid, some were unhelpful.  I don't journal near as much as last year, though I do think it is helpful.  I am going to do a 25 journal prompts from The Blissful Mind blog (theblissfulmind.com) to try and get back into the groove. 

Question of the day: How did I take care of myself this year? Could I have done a better job?  This year was full of stress.  I did my best to take care of the stress.  To keep a meditation practice going.  That helped.  I also have tried to incorporate hygge.  That tends to make me feel warm and fuzzy, be it summer or winter.  I have also gone back to a couple of ladies who know their shit and are tried and true to get you back into shape.  Kathy Smith and Denise Austin.  You want your ass kicked, these are the ladies to get it done.  I've gone into following several people online for my fitness routine.  Less walking though.  I need to get that back going.  It seems to be a stress reliever as well as a fitness workout. 

I have not been so obsessed with my fandoms as last year.  That's good.  I like being free instead of having my OCD decided things for me. Last year I did so many challenges that I had to write them down every day and it really became a chore that I hated.

 Spiritually, I have been going to church about every other week, listening to Gospel music several times a week, and reading my devotional.  I try to watch Joyce Meyers every so often.  She is so wise.  Highly recommend her. 

Anyway, there you go.  Not back.  My weight has been on a standstill, but WW has changed things up and I have started to lose weight again on the new program.  So we shall see. 

Fall Gratitude

Things I am grateful for for Fall
1. Post season baseball
2. not so hot
3. wear jeans
4. beautiful colors
5. walk dog on road and not worry about feet temp
6. football
7. hunting season
8. butchering season
9. pumpkin patch
10. Halloween shows on TV
11. new tv seasons start
12. kids go back to school
13. fall festivals

Toxic Thoughts

Toxic Thought: It is pointless.
Truth: Nothing is truly pointless.
God says: I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Affirmation: I accept me.

rewrite my story

Trauma stored in my body.  Well, yes.  Trauma is verbal abuse, physical abuse, manipulation by partner, infidelity, medical trauma with child.  All there.  Most of weight problem came after the medical trauma.  It was brutal and I will probably never heal completely.  I have clung to the food to self-medicate for the above.  I will change my story and make myself a priority.  I will use food for fuel and not a therapeutic relationship.  I will be more healthy.  I will feel confidant.  I will be strong enough to endure whatever life throws at me.  I will leave the weakness behind. 

coming undone

Last year I decided it was the year of health.  I was going to become healthy physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.  I worked very hard on that.  I lost a lot of weight (not enough, still working on that), I discovered a lot about myself, got in tune with myself, grew closer to God, etc.  This year was going to be the year of adventure.  I was going to take 3 trips and have fun.  Life kept happening.  Also, due in part of the stress of the year, I stopped losing weight.  The year, it is a wonder I didn't gain it all back really.  Everyone around me has been causing extremely high stress.  My daughter announced she was pregnant.  Again.  Still not married.  Then she decided to break up with the dad and go on her own.  My son decided to join the army.  Out of the blue.  Then my grandfather was put on hospice.  That was the spring.  The summer brought, son decided to quit the army.  Which is apparently something you can do.  Daughter's unborn baby has only one working kidney.  Daughter is living in son''s house.  Other daughter struggles with a crazy schedule of dance team and driver's ed, both teachers are flakes who change their schedule on a whim and insist that their whatever is the only thing in the world that counts.  Had to quit dance.  Son decides to move back into his house when he comes back, daughter gets new boyfriend who is living with her.  They move into different house.    Husband decides to revamp the business.  Complete overhaul, mostly to be done by me.  Baby is born.  Grandfather dies and one week later cousin-in-law commits suicide.  Son is  homeless for about 2 months.  I did get a couple of trips in.  Though because of  "I am going to join the army; I am going to quit the army" the trips kept switching.  Before all hell broke loose we got to go to CA to see my step-daughter for Spring Break.  Had to go to Texas for business.  But that doesn't really count.  Went to Illinois for a long weekend in July.  Not exciting, but better than nothing.  It's been trying.  I need a little down time.  I need to control my eating.  I need to rest.  I need shit to quit happening.  A little boredom would be nice.  No more adventure. 

Back to You Challenge

Day 1:  One goal for this week

My goal for this week is to not out eat my points for WW.  It doesn't do any good to pay for the program if you are going to out eat the program.  Ways to do this: plan ahead, snack on more fruits and veggies. 

F&B image day 4

What does body image mean to you?  How we view and feel about our bodies.

What does body image healing mean to you? Making peace and learning to enjoy the body we have.

what are one or two of the above components to help strengthen body image that you’d like to focus on? How do you see yourself nurturing these components in your life? To take care of my body even when I don't feel like it.  To show respect and kindness regardless of my opinion.

Food Body Image Day 3

Negative Talk:
There's really no point, it won't work.
No one is looking anyway.
No one cares.
Too old
Pig
Disgusting


Everything takes time.  It took a lot of time to gain this and it is the result of a lot of trauma.  The things that happened to result in this are bigger than a eating problem.  You did what you could when you could.  Now you are doing this.  It will take time to learn. 
No one may be looking, but so what.  What does it matter what anyone thinks.
You care.  You need to be aware of your health and make it a priority. 
Caring for yourself will result in better relationships.  They may need to take a cut in "their" wants and time, but the quality will be better.  Some of these people need to take care of themselves anyway.
You are not a pig, you just know good food when you taste it. 
You are not disgusting.  These are things people told you to gain control over you to better themselves.  They are weak.  You are not. 

Food & Body Image Day 2

In your experience, what has not honoring your hunger shown you?
Anger, nerves, over eating
In your experience, what has not allowing yourself unconditional permission to eat what you’d like shown you? Well, usually I allow myself to eat whatever, that's how I got into the shape I am in.  However, I also frequently won't allow myself what I want and make do with something else.  Something better.  Then I find I keep eating looking for satisfaction.  Either way I lose.

With this insight in mind, how can you better honor your hunger? Eat what is healthy.  If still hungry, eat what I want that might not be considered healthy.

Corrine Dobbas

Food & Body Image Day 1

In my body, the physical sensation of hunger feels like...nervousness.
 To better honor my hunger in a timely, caring manner it may be helpful to experiment with....eating small portions when hunger arises rather than trying to hold it off until desperate.
In my body, the physical sensation of fullness feels like..comfort.
 To better honor my fullness in a timely, caring manner it may be helpful to experiment with...eat until no longer hungry, then finding something else that brings comfort.

In my body, the physical sensation of feeling satisfied from an eating experience feels like..relief.
 To better allow myself to experience satisfaction from an eating experience it may be helpful to experiment with....eating what I want to begin with, but with smaller portions.

In my body, the physical sensation of emotions I experience during a challenging food or body image moment feels like...I don't like it.

To better allow myself to take care of myself during these challenging food or body image moments, it may be helpful to experiment with.....not having them?

Selfworth 4

Today is Day 4 of the Self Worth Challenge I'm doing. It’s about FOCUS and gaining awareness around what I choose to focus on. So today I choose to be grateful and focus on the things I have in my life. I’m grateful for:
1. flexible hours and work
2. good people to work with
3. sarah learning stress management
4. born in the good ol USA
5. actually have too much to eat
6.  it's the weekend!
7. got to go to Hamilton in KC
8. marriage is in a good place
9. Morgan is doing well out on her own
10. beautiful day

self worth day 3- intentions

Today’s Day 2 of the Self Worth Challenge. I just got done learning about the power of intention and one of the biggest things that stuck out to me was I cannot take care of everyone, but I can take care of me. Part of today’s challenge was completing this intention exercise where we create 6 different kinds of intentions. The categories are creativity, loving kindness, appreciation, growth, abundance, and receiving. I’m going to share my Top 3 favorite ones that I created.

#1 is focus on health. #2 is let go of others' problems and #3 is ask purpose of problems.

Self Worth day 1

Today is Day 1 of this Self Worth Challenge that I'm doing (with Amanda @doit_like you). I'm feeling _stressed out about it and am excited for  some peace . Today's all about living in alignment with yourself and really discovering what lights up my soul and what depletes it. I've created these two new rules for myself to help set better boundaries around the things I want to take time for. Rule #1 is _Eat within my points allowance and Rule #2 is _have  a weekly fun event.

Gratitude Again

Three things from today I am grateful for:
1. my car is fixed
2. I remembered to buy timothy's tickets
3. ac is on

things that worry me

1. grandbaby's health
2. daughter won't be able to take care of baby
3. son won't get through basic
4. son will get hurt in war zone
5. won't be able to lose weight
6. daughter's heart will fail
7. won't have proper clothes for Hamilton
8. business will go bust
9. husband will work himself into an early grave
10. grandpa's don't want to live
11. grandpas' will live
12. grandma is being taken advantage of
13. vacation in fall won't happen
14. graduation will go bad

15.  menopause is driving me nuts

Can/Can't

Things I can't change:
How my husband behaves
what my children's choices are
What I want to eat
genetics
the weather
who calls


Things I can change
how I respond to others
What I eat
How much I exercise
how I speak to callers
how i allow myself to feel
how i feel about myself

Count my Blessings

Been feeling kinda down lately.  I've got one son in Kuwait (actually he's in Egypt at this moment, but he's stationed in Kuwait), I've got another that just joined and is at Basic, I've got a step daughter that just turned 30, a daughter that is pregnant and moved out last week.  I just finished a class on business that zonked me out and put on several pounds.  We were kept in a room for 9 hours at a time with no choices on our food for two meals a day.  It was horrendous and my stress level is through the roof.  I feel old.  I feel duped.  I feel like all this weight loss stuff is pointless.  I am up 8 pounds from my lowest. My grandfathers are old and suffering tremendously.  They are at the end and I know they are just....done. But, today's mental detox says to count my blessings.  Oh, do I! 
For instance:  I am not in class now and can make my own choices.  My sons are very patriotic.  They are relatively safe.  My daughter is doing fine on her own.  My step daughters are doing fabulous including the cutest baby ever!  I have more free time than ever before.  My house is getting clean (it was disgusting).  I am healthy.  I am loved.  I am strong.  My grandfathers had long good lives.  I am blessed.

Accomplished

I accomplished several things yesterday.  For starters, I paid all of the businesses bills.  Got them done and sent out.  I also prepared the checks to be deposited.  I went the store and got groceries.  I got everything on our list, I got some things on sale as well.  I stayed within my budget, I purchased wise and healthy food.  I came home and did my workout.  I walked 1.5 miles with the dog and did 2 ten minute workouts.  I did my devotions and meditations.  I listened to a abundance mantra while paying bills, thus raising my vibrations.  Yesterday was a good and productive day.

Good about myself

Today I felt good about myself when I stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost a pound and a half.  After having gained 6 pounds over the month of March I didn't really want to weigh myself.  Especially when I had been and feeling so well.  I thought another gain would lead to a depression and disappointment.  But I am ok.  I feel good.  Onward and upward. 

Proud

Something I am proud of today.  Lately I have been bummed.  I have been up and down on the scale.  I think I am done plateauing and then I gain.  Around and round.  Finally it has warmed up here in Kansas and I have been doing some walking.  My daughter has singing lessons on Tuesday night and the teacher lives near a walking trail.  When it is walking weather I walk it.  Yesterday while walking, I was almost to the bridge (about 8 blocks) when it dawned on me that it was easy.  When I started this journey a year ago it was hard.  I was out of breath when I reached the bridge.  I had to rest.  I always wanted to turn back early.  Basically I hated it.  Yesterday I didn't realize I had gone as far as I had.  Yesterday I stopped at the bridge not to rest, but to see if I could get over the fence to the side path.  I walked back with ease and not out of breath.  It was an enjoyable way to spend the afternoon.  Whether I ever get off this old plateau or not, I am proud that I am so much healthier.  I am proud that I am in better shape.  I am grateful that I can enjoy moving again. 

Something I did well today....

Today I went shopping for groceries.  I did it very well.  I got relatively good deals.  I don't regret any purchases.  I got lots of healthy stuff.  I didn't get agitated by anyone.  No one was agitated with me.  That I know of.  I got home in plenty of time to work out and get supper.  I did well today.

What do I want

What do I want with this whole diet thing, anyway?  What I want is to be free.  I want to be free of excess weight and baggage.  I want to be free of judgement.  I want to be free of being pulled down.  However, I also want to be free of restrictions, of planning, and of sacrifice.  I want to do what I want to do.  I want to be free of feeling like I need to eat and just eat when I am hungry. I want to be free of all of the emotional pull.  I want to be free of the need for dieting, the dieting, and the end result.  I want to be free of it all.

San Diego

We recently took a trip to see our daughter in California.  She lives in Laguna Niguel with her husband in a cute little studio apartment not far from the beach.  We left our home in Kansas at the un-Godly hour of 2:45 am to catch a flight to Santa Ana.  Our youngest daughter, the heart kid, had never flown before, and was terrified.  As was I since I still have some apprehensions about flying.  I am scared to death of getting kicked off a plane for being too fat.  We caught a layover in Arizona to discover our gate had been changed to CLEAR ACROSS THE AIRPORT!  We sprinted across to make it in time for the next flight.  We then went straight to Disney Land!  We spent a whole day, looking, riding, but mostly waiting in line.  If ever there were a place to wait in line, Disney would be that place.
The next day we mostly visited.  Went out for breakfast, went the the beach to mess around (too cold to swim), the kids made us pizza in the pizza oven in the courtyard.  It was a nice day.  Sunday we went whale watching.  We were told by both our daughter and the company not to expect much, but we saw a humpback whale, a sea turtle, and a ton of dolphins.  It was so much fun.  We did some more visiting.  My husband wanted to see his old neighborhood and visit a friend.  The following day we had coffee in San Juan which is just the most adorable town ever!  Then a stop in Carlsbad to look at the flowers and on to our sea side rental.  It was a gorgeous day.  The view above is from our living room!
That week we spent a few days in San Diego.  We went to the zoo one day.  It is an enormous zoo!  If ever you go get a two day pass and see it all.  We didn't see it all and we walked over 5 miles that day just in the zoo.  The next day we went to the Midway.  You have to go to the Midway if you go to San Diego.  Everyone will expect it.  It is so interesting too.  My uncle served on that ship in the late 70s so I wanted to go or personal reasons.  Afterward, when ever we told anyone we went to San Diego, they wanted to know if we went to the Midway.  The last day we went to Old Town San Diego.  I wished we had had more time to spend there.  That place is pretty great.  And bring money!  You are going to want lots of souvenirs from Old Town.  It was a great trip.  My youngest wanted to go home earlier than planned and my husband wanted to stay later, so I guess it all evened out.  I thought we went home just right.  Other than we should have stayed at Old Town a little longer and not gotten to the airport so soon.  It was a good week.

End Goal

What is my end goal?  What will it look like?  Well, my end goal is to be healthy.  In all mannerisms.  I am in a rut right now.  I have been on a weight plateau for a few months now.  I have paid for a couple of different things to help.  One did quite a bit of good in the mental, eye-opening aspect.  The other I don't see where it helped at all.  I have gotten a couple more to try.  One was free.  It is a book and program that I was given to as a part of the launch team.  I am starting on it today.  The other is a higher vibration deal.  It may be total crap; it may quiet my demons.  We shall see. 

Why am I hesitant?

Why am I so hesitant to know my purpose?  I like to think it's because I just don't know.  And maybe that's true.  Could it also be because then I would have to do it?  What if it's hard?  What if it sucks?  What if it's something I really don't want to do ?   If it's my purpose, God will have me do it anyway, won't he?  Yes.  yes he will.

What if I knew

What advantages would I enjoy if I knew my purpose?  Well, how would I know if I don't know my purpose?  I suppose I would stop questioning "is this right? is this?" I would be more confident because I would know what I was supposed to be doing.  I would know it would work out.  Is this a waste of time?  Is there a point?

My Life's Purpose

Live a More Fulfilling Life

1. Am I living my life's purpose? 
I have no idea.  I'm not real sure what my life's purpose is actually.  My youngest says it is giving advice.  She thinks I am really good at it.  I don't know that anyone should really be taking advice from me.  That doesn't seem like a good idea.  Or maybe I should take my own.  My husband thinks it is to serve him.  I don't think that's it either.  If it is, I suck at it.  Maybe it is to teach.  I think I am pretty good at it, but I don't do it very often.  Hmmmm.   I guess it's a good thing I am doing this workbook. 

Mr Prez & Patterson

I am in the middle "The President is Missing" by Bill Clinton and James Patterson.  I am pleasantly surprised by the book.  I have read many Patterson books and the autobiography of Clinton so I knew both could write.  I am not sure how they divied up the writings, but it is extremely good.  It reads with the chapters trading between the point of view of the president and the assassin.  It gives a peek into the behind the scenes of being a president.  It isn't autobiographical; different president.  Not very political, so if you are thinking you don't like Clinton as a president, you don't need to feel like you can't like him as a fictional author.  You totally can! 

Relationship Goals

Top Three Values:
Laughter
Compatibility
Respect

I have picked these three because I think these three will make being married more enjoyable.  Laughter means that a moment has been had and now you are comfortable enough to just laugh about it.  Not just smile; laugh.  Without compatibility there really is no relationship.  Not to say you need to do everything together, but I would like to do what we do without fighting and with peace.  I would also like to be respected.  I think if a man respects a woman, it means more that if he loves her.  Men love women.  They rarely respect them.  I guess maybe I need to work on being respectable. 

Intentions:
We enjoy each other so much we laugh every day.
We have a compromising relationship that we are compatible in.
I respect him; he respects me. 

Mom & Pop

What do I appreciate about my parents?  Well, they may have been young and had no idea what they were doing, but I can never say they didn't work hard.  Very hard.  I grew up on a farm.  A family farm that my Grandfather owned and let us live in. (He had moved into a trailer in town; too old to farm)  My father worked a full time job as well as raised pigs for our food and money.  My mom, sister and I cared for them as well, as in we hauled water in 5 gallon buckets in a red wagon twice a day all summer long to them.  But the bulk of the work was done by my father.  Later we switch from hogs to cattle. He also hunted everything he could to provide us with meat year round.  This included the butchering of these animals, processing, etc.  My mom grew everything you can think of and canned or froze it all for the winter.  We grew a huge garden and put everything up in our cellar.  We also picked fruit from other people's trees (they let us) and froze all of that as well.  She sewed all of our clothes and most our food was homemade.  She also ran a day care with approximately 5 additional kids too.  They worked very hard and I am sure they didn't enjoy it very much.  We made it on very little money, can't say that love was especially in large supply either.  But there was a major work ethic that can't be denied.  Especially when you consider how young they were at the time.  I appreciate how hard they worked so that I could have everything I needed. 

1 Years of First

My husband and I have been together for 19 years.  We have had lots of firsts and lots of hundred and somethin's.  Here is a list of some of our first.
First time I saw him he was mowing his yard. (he was my neighbor)  He had his hat on backwards and was wearing a tank top and Levi's. 
First time I spoke with him we were near the street watching our children play and he said the roads were better before they fixed them. (they were)
First time we had a conversation he fixed my son's bike, which my grandpa had bought at an auction for my friend who had stomach cancer.  Jason's father had donated the bike which had been Jason's son's to the cause.
First time he asked me out was in my yard and I had to clarify he meant a date.  It had been awhile.
First time we went out, we went to see "Sixth Sense" and ate Phili Cheese steak sandwiches.
First time we kissed was after our first date and he asked me if he could. (swoon!)
First trip we ever had was to his parents lake house at the Lake of the Ozarks for Independence Day.  It was a disaster.
First gift he gave me was a Scrabble game for Christmas. 
First time I knew he loved me was New Year's Eve.
There have been a ton of other firsts and such.  Some wonderful, some awful, mostly mundane.  It's the day to day that keeps the relationship going.  He is my husband and I am completely dedicated to him. 

5 years ago

Five years ago I was in the throws of motherhood.  I had one in grade school, two in high school, and three in college.  I was constantly going to games, meetings, performances, making food to bring somewhere, the responsibilities were endless.  I felt so depleted and zapped of energy.  I was incredibly overweight and too busy to do anything about it.  I ONLY went to kid stuff and drove people around.  It was exhausting.  But that time of my life is over.  When my son, kid number 6, graduated, I spent about a year watching TV.  I had one in middle school and she didn't do near as much stuff as the others, so it felt like I had all the time in the world.  I certainly needed a rest. Then I started to work on me.  I was horribly neglected and needed to start taking care of myself.  I don't know how many doctor trips and illnesses were due to overworking and under caring.  I have been sick for the past week with a horrible cold/plague that has been going around.  I am determined to recover without a doctor visit.  So, I haven't done much the past week.  I have craved juice and so I drank it.  I haven't worked out or done much labor.  I worked half days and even took one day off.  I am feeling better and don't feel any infections coming on.  So far so good.

Year One Achievements

I posted my anniversary post the other day, but failed to mention my achievements from the year.  I may be feeling down now, but I know that I have come a long way as well.  I have lost almost 40 pounds.  I have gone from a size 22 to a 16.  I can easily walk 3 miles where I could barely walk one.  I have discovered many things about myself and how they effect me.  I have read many books and watched many videos about health, self-love, inspiration, and spirit guides.  I don't believe in spirit guides, by the way.  I have put my health in a status of importance rather than something to be ignored.  I have gotten the nerve to go to the doctor and have a pap and a mammogram.  I have had blood work done and discovered I have high cholesterol.  I have discovered that when made with a little creativity, salads are delicious!  Yeah!  There is a reason that a bowl of ice berg lettuce wasn't cuttin' it.  I needed some seeds, some other veggies, maybe a boiled egg.  I have a thirst for water now.  I still want to down a Pepsi from time to time.  Though I drink diet as a treat, it's just not the same.  I have become a better person and I think I like me. 

One Year Anniversary

One year ago today I decided to join Weight Watchers.  I had reached a peak that I didn't want to and was very uncomfortable, embarrassed, and fearful.  I felt heart pressure and palpation.  I was needing a bigger size.  I was having trouble moving like I wanted to.  I was depressed and anxious.  I needed to change.  I decided to join with my only goal to work the program for 6 months.  Around July I realized that I needed to be healthier in other ways too.  I took up journaling and meditating.  I learned about myself by taking personality test, etc.  I got into my spiritual health in my God and in the other realm.  I started practicing self-care and working on my relationship with my husband.  I started doing hygge activities in the fall.  Though I have been sitting on a weight loss plateau for the last 5 months and that is getting old, I can say that in my adult life I have probably not been all-around healthier..... ever.  I feel pretty good.  I just need to get off this damn plateau.  I have started incorporating some other programs with Weight Watchers to connect with my "why" and "payoff".  I have completed the "Finding Freedom" program.  A Christian program for health and self-esteem that showed me the how and why of it.  I finished just recently a "Emotional Eating Workshop"  which taught me the pay off.  I am currently in the Finish Lines Support Group, a Christian support that works with Weight Watchers program.  I realized I needed some sort of support.  Now I just need to put it in motion.  I think that without the losing, it makes the suffering of working out and not enjoying food seem pointless.  I need to learn to enjoy both.  Ha! I know I need to keep going, but I am tired. 

Proud

What am I most proud of?  Not sure.  Everything has it's pros and cons.  Proud of my kids, yet they have disappointed me from time to time as well.  I am proud of our business we have built.  But I also realize that though I spent a lot of time on it, it's not really mine to be proud of.  I am proud of my weight loss, but am also aware that being on a plateau for 5 months is really a failure.  I am really tired of working out and not enjoying food if I am not losing weight.  I am proud of my home.  But haven't really paid for it either.  So.  There's that. 

How to Destress

My previous methods of de stressing would be eating and having a fit.  I have been using different methods as of late and they seem to be much more effective and healthy.  I meditate.  I use Reiki.  I do small amounts of tapping.  I exercise.  I walk.  I read.  I journal. Can you tell I am under a lot of stress?  And yes, I still dive into the food from time to time.  It is still the most effective way of dealing with it.  I hate that I do it, but still I do it.  I should probably try eliminating stress!

Food for Thought

"Eat to Love" by Jenna Hollstein is a new type of book about health and food.  This one does not focus on weight loss rather than a healthy relationship with food.  She focuses on how women should relate to the food both in a physical and mental capacity.  She also brings to mind how women's bodies and their reality to fit into our society by pointing out what is ridiculous and what should be embraced.  The wants and desires of men and society (men) cause a lot of damage both emotionally and physically to women and how they relate to the food they need to survive.  I noticed on Amazon a 1 star rating due to political stand point and I admit, Hollenstein does bring up some politically charged statements that are unnecessary, but they are few and far between and don't cause too much distraction.  Whether you agree with her views or not, it shouldn't interfere with the reading.  For the most part she hits the nail on the head with feminine views and how we should let some of this crap go and do what we need to feel comfortable, healthy, and happy.  Can't go wrong with that.

My advice

My advice to the youngers.  Today I taught a middle school Sunday School class and taught a thing or two. Some of it I learned today. 1. My advice is to not rely on other people's say so.  Study it.  Read on it.  Give it some thought.  Ask questions.  Make your own decision with your own research.
2. The best commercials seem to come after the Super Bowl. 3.  Listen to what makes you happy, not just what's on the top sales or what someone else is listening to.  That's just wasted time.  4.  Assume men aren't to be trusted until they prove they can be.  Might be sexist, but you can't go wrong with that rule.  5. Mark boiled eggs so that you don't get the two mixed up.  6. No one else will take care of you like you do.  Take care of yourself.  Look out for yourself.  7. Hollywood is made up.  The stories are fiction.  The tweets are paid for (usually). Everything you see is fiction, including interviews and pics.  8.  Do what makes you happy and don't tell everyone else.  They will try and ruin it for you.  It's not to be ashamed of, but it is something for you.  9. Don't take 8am classes in college.  You won't go anyway.  10.  Decide your future and don't let others do it for you.  In the end, you are the one that has to do it. 

Abundance

What do I have an abundance?  I have so much.  I have a family that loves me.  I have improved my life in health, weight, spirit, and vibrations.  I am on my way to bliss.  I hope.  No, I will.

Frankie Say Relax

What is my relaxing state?  I would say taking a spa bath.  Light some candles, my salt rock, maybe some tunes.  Stay in the bath until I hear a crash out in the rest of the house that is loud enough that I feel the urgency to get out. 

what do I know?

The things I know more than the average person tend to be things of no value.  They are just fun.  Or they actually have nothing to do with me and they are the passion of someone around me who talks a lot.  I know more than average about American Girl dolls, Hamilton, and Laura Ingalls.  I know more than average about aliens, stars, and how to make a dish washer.  I know more than average about hunting, habitat, and guns.  I know more than average about conspiracy theories.  Enough that I could justifiably call myself a conspiracy theorist.  Like I said there's not a lot of value as far as making money, but it is all pretty interesting. 

Order or Chaos?

Both.  I was raised by two OCD people.  One was order, clean, size oriented.  The other was a hoarder.  I do not have OCD, but between the two I have a kind of order/chaos thing going.  I like to plan and have things in order, but find that the rest of the world goes against that kind of thing.  The man I live with really likes power.  Anyway, since I don't actually have OCD I don't need to insist upon it so then I just toss it to the wind.  It's a weird way to be I know, but it is what it is.

Food on my Mind

What do I think about the most?  Well, since I have joined this little adventure called weight loss, I would say food.  The when, how much, planning, guilt, etc.  I think about it waaaay more than I should.  I have read in multiple media that what you think about is your reality.  Call it whatever you want in whatever atmosphere you are in, but there you have it.  It's all the same.  I should probably let a lot of it go.  But when I do that I tend to eat unawares.  I need to find that happy medium that will let me live, but keep me within reason.  Ugh!  I hate food.  I love food.

biggest worry

I come from a long line of worriers.  We can worry about anything.  My Dad is the best worrier in the world.  No one can touch him.  It's a wonder he is still alive.  I am nothing compared to certain family members.  I am laid back and easy going.  I can still worry till the cows come home.  And still worry about whether the cows will come home or not.  I have so many biggest worries, I couldn't begin to limit it down to just one.  Here's a top 10:
1. Will I lose any weight?
2. Will my daughter's health be ok?
3. Will my other daughter ever move out?
4. Will my MIL ever stop being a boundary stomping maniac?
5. I can't understand my will.
6. will i be able to get to work in the ice?
7. Will my son be safe in Kuwait?
8. Is there some creeper living in my grandma's house without her knowledge?
9. Is my husband working himself to death?
10. Can our government be trusted?

Happy Place

My Happy Place would be in front of a TV watching the X-Files. I just love that show.  I am on my 4th time through.  Sometimes I'm just like, "I wonder what Scully and Mulder are up to?" So I will pick up where I left off.  There are times I like more than others, just like life, but I always come back to it.  It's comforting.  It's home. It's where I go when I don't want to seem weird anymore.  Cuz no matter how weird you are, X-files is weirder.  Always. 

The HLHS Battle

The oldest person living with HLHS has died.  She was 38.  Which is pretty amazing really.  When my daughter was born with HLHS 14 years ago she was only given a 13 year life expectancy.  So you can imagine what the 38 year old's expectancy probably was.  When my daughter was born I immediately started raising her differently.  With a "death sentence" on her head, she was raised to live in the now.  Her future was worried about.  Everything was about the present.  But so many people who worried about her dying young have since died and she is still here.  People who were young themselves, children even.  They have died from sudden heart attacks, liver failure, car wrecks, cancer, so many options.  And here she still is.  There is no guarantee for anything.  Enjoy what you got. 

Review of Personal

"Personal" is one of the Jack Reacher books by Lee Child.  Reacher is one of my favorite contemporary characters and I read all of his books.  "Personal" is a good one, though not one of my favorites.  In this book Reacher sees an ad in the personals about a former co-worker who he owes a favor to.  He responds accordingly leading to an adventure bouncing around Europe in search of an expert sniper trying to kill world leaders. 
This one is high in testosterone rather than intellect, so maybe the average guy would rate it higher than I, but it is still excellent.  I received this book in exchange for an honest review from www.netgalley.com. 

Can't Wait

There are several things I am looking forward to.  Both with joy and a little apprehension.  I am looking forward to our trip to San Diego this spring.  I am excited to get away and do some relaxing.  This trip is mostly visiting our daughter and just hanging out.  But I am apprehensive about being on a plane.  Will the passport come in so that my daughter will have a government issued ID to fly?  Will I fit in the seat or get kicked off for being to fat to fly?  Will I stand out there? Will my husband spend most of the time whining? 
Another thing I am looking forward to is seeing Hamilton.  But again nervous.  Will I be dressed appropriately?  I am sort of what you might call riff-raff in that world.
My walk-about.  I waaaant to go on that.  The deal is when I hit my goal weight I am going to take a walk-about by car.  I'd like to do Route 66.  I am afraid it will be too hot.  I am afraid it will never come.  I have a lot of worries.  I need to let go of the fear.  I refuse to feel fear.  This year's word is Adventure after all.

New Zealand

If I had a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world I would go to New Zealand.  I would love to see it.  It looks so beautiful in pictures.  I want to go to the south end and see the trees that are growing sideways.  It looks like such an amazing place.  I have actually looked into it and the plane ride is incredibly long and expensive.  It would take some doing to go.  But one day.  I'm gonna go.

How nice!

The kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.  There are many.  People as a rule tend to be kind.
1. A Sunday School student made me a pin thanking me for teaching her Sunday School.
2.  So many children have colored me pictures.
3.  When I divorced my uncle who has divorced three women leaving them with children, saved all of his change and gave me a check for over $500. 
4.  My Grandma would bring me food during that time as well.
5.  Once while single with 2 small children, a nursing home's employees adopted us for Christmas and gave me enough money to buy tires.  I know how much nurse's aids make and I know that was a sacrifice for them.
6.  A couple from our church would bring us ice cream every so often just to make us happy.
7. A guy once stopped and helped me change my tire.
8.  When pregnant with my first child, my coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower.
9. My boss brought me a doughnut.
10. my grandparents babysat my two children for years while I went to school.

that's the nicest thing

So, what is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me?  Nothing really stands out.  I don't get a lot of compliments so when I do, I tend to remember it.  Here are some of the nice things I have heard.
1.  I like her sense of humor.
2. You are a good writer.
3.  You take good pictures.
4.  You're the best softball player they got. (this was some years ago)
5.  You look like that girl on Wings.  (I heard that twice)
6.  You got a body that won't quit. (I was 19, he was 16.  It probably didn't take much.)
7. Your house is always clean.
8. You raise such good kids.
9. You have integrity.
10. You are strong.
11.  I can really tell you've lost weight.

It is also important to mention that I have heard the exact opposite of all of these things on many, many occasions.  And in the words of the great Julia Roberts: "the bad stuff is easier to believe."

Favorite Moments of 2018

2018

1. New grandbaby in December
2. Onederland
3. Weekend trip 1
4. weekend trip 2
5. Most of yr free of boundary pouncer
6. healthier me
7. kid's progressed

My top Ten

Top Ten Things I Like About Me
1.  I am kind to animals
2. I am reasonably smart.
3. I am stubborn
4. I can feel the room
5. I am interesting
6. I am a good mother
7. I am brave
8. I am strong
9. I am a good wife
10. I've got a good knack for business.

Was it Helpful?

What percentage of what I learned this year was actually helpful?  I would say most of it.  I learned that though most diets (including weight watchers) frown on milk, it is definitely important.  Not just for the vitamin D, but whatever it is that keeps your hair from falling out is worth the calories.  I learned a lot about myself.  All of which is useful.  There was a few things that were kind of fruity or witchcrafty that I didn't really find useful.  Anything to do with numerology I believe to be crap.  Anything chakra related I didn't especially find useful.  But all of the things that boosted self confidence; brought self value; encouraged self love.  Those are all things that have become incredibly valued.  I didn't have much value in myself before, but now I am coming around to it.  I must say, a lot of people I know aren't appreciating that much.  They liked bossing me around.  I like deciding for myself what is important to me, to spend my time and energy on.  I am growing to like me.  That is knowledge that I find incredibly useful. 
I am enough and the work I do is enough.

Take My Advice

If I could give January 6, 2017 me advice it would be to start my health journey sooner.  There was no point to putting it off to February.  I can't even remember January 2017 but I know I was depressed, anxious, unhealthy, and miserable.  I should have started it sooner.  Though I am on a bit of a plateau, losing only bits at a time, I know that I feel better about myself.  I feel better just walking around.  When I took my cholesterol in August and then took it again October it was high both times but came down considerably during that 6 weeks.  I can't imagine what it must have been in January.  I should have started sooner. I would tell me that I am important too.  That my health will take work and it is worth it.  That I will be so hungry I won't believe it, but hold on cuz it will get better.  That I will get to know myself and I will love myself.  I am worth it.  I should have started sooner. 

Authentically Me

Five things that make me authentically me:
1.  a disgusting sense of humor
2. a love of books
3. a desire for improve myself
4. seeing through bullshit
5. psychic ability


Five things that I want to step into:
1. The beginning and end of a 5K
2. a beach in a swimsuit with confidence
3. the town of Roswell
4. the start of my walk-about
5. my church on a more regular basis

how could I have made 2018 better?

Personally I think this is kind of a stupid question.  Why keep looking back and going over and over it.  Why not just look forward?  Well there is the whole learn from your mistakes thing.  I could have not done our will when we did.  I could have not bought ram an noodles.  I could have decided to not let my daughter have the foot surgery.  I could have done a lot of things.  But then I probably wouldn't have gotten a will done at all.  If it wasn't ram en noodles, it could have been something else.  There's no way I would have known about the foot surgery.  The infamous ear infection wasn't under my control in the first place.  Live and learn.  What's done is done. 

2018

My year truly started on February 7.  On that day I decided my health: physical, mental, medical, and spiritual were going to be a priority.  I didn't feel that others cared about me.  Whether that is true or not is irrelevant.  I didn't care about me and that was going to change.  I joined Weight Watchers.  Which was miserable.  I was hungry.  I was grouchy.  I didn't enjoy it at first at all.  But, anybody who tells you you can be healthy by taking a magic pill is a filthy liar.  It took a lot of work.  I was sore for a long time.  That was difficult in the beginning.  The always being sore and tired.  But as the muscle built and the weight came off things became much more easy.  I could move!  I had a very difficult time turning down food I wanted especially when I was so hungry.  I still can't believe I ate as much as I did when it didn't seem like much at the time.  Things got easier.  Christmas was brutal.  I have already gotten used to that Christmas vacation menu and now I am weaning myself back off of it.  And you know what!  I am already feeling hungry even though I am eating more than I did 3 months ago.  I have joined Faithful Finish Lines today as a extra support to Weight Watchers.  A seven week kick in the ass to get things going again.  In March I am going to California to hang out on the beach with my model-coulda-been step-daughter and her physical trainer husband.  Doesn't that sound like every weight watcher's nightmare?  They are lovely people and have never said a word about my size or anyone else's that I know of, but still.  So, I would like to drop one size by then.  From my keyboard to God's ears.